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Lone parents

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Original poster

advice please on next steps - trial separation about to become permanent

8 replies

scarlotti · 03/01/2011 20:24

Hi
Can I get some advice on what I should be doing next?
H and I have had a trial separation going since early November, agreed from last July but took a while to get sorted. Been in relate since last Feb and still go once a month.
I suspect that this month's (in 10 days time) will be the cards on the table one, where if we're both honest we will agree that we're not compatible enough to make this work.

2 ds' between us and I have one dd from previous relationship. Up until now he's just been contributing the childcare vouchers, so just £243 a month. CSA website implies he should be paying nearer £300.

House is in joint names, with a trust deed to protect my equity I brought into the marriage, marriage only 3 years old.

So what do I do now? Legal advice? I'd like to keep things as amicable as possible and do mediation if possible. Will relate start to help us sort out where we go from here? He has the boys 2 nights a week and that seems to be working out well so far. DD isn't that interested in seeing him, as she's 16 it's up to her really.

Thanks.

OP posts:

hariboegg · 03/01/2011 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

scarlotti · 03/01/2011 21:24

haribo

Thanks for your post and sorry to hear you've been going through this as well.

That's very helpful, and how I would like to go about it I think. I'm in no rush to get the actual divorce, but would like to get the financial aspects sorted out so am liking the sound of the separation agreement.
I guess the next session where we're open and honest will decide whether this will have an amicable path - hopefully it will.

OP posts:

hariboegg · 03/01/2011 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

scarlotti · 03/01/2011 21:52

Thanks, I will have a look for local solicitors then and make an appointment. I am a bit worried that he will get angry when the trust deed we had drawn up gets applied as the house has gone down in value since we bought it, and so I suspect he will not get any money from the house. He won't like that I'm sure.

All such a minefield, I guess it's baby steps and one thing at a time to start with.

OP posts:

pickgo · 04/01/2011 00:09

Just a word of warning - (going thro D at mo) don't get drawn into discussing any finances at Relate. Finances are where the shit hits the fan in my experience and if there's going to be any nastiness finances will be the catylst.
As Relate do not have any legal expertise (and are short on any expertise IMHO) they will be no use in quelling any H try ons.
Leave it to the solicitor to sort, much less stressful and hopefully realistic.

Original poster

scarlotti · 04/01/2011 10:52

Thanks, I will bear that in mind. It will be the finances that is the sticky bit for us I'm sure so I'd much prefer that done properly. Need to make sure I don't agree to stuff just to keep the peace as I'll get walked over if I'm not careful.

Sorry it's been tricky for you, hope negotiations go smoothly now

OP posts:

Niceguy2 · 04/01/2011 13:00

You need legal advice really. On the one hand the declaration of trust sets out the equity split. On the other hand, you are married where the basis of any split is 50-50. Not sure which takes precedent. I guess that could depend upon when the declaration was done versus when you got married. But I'm no solicitor so you need to check it out.

But as a LP who's had many years of dealing with my ex, I have to say that you have to be pragmatic.

So for example, CSA says pay £300. He's "paying" £243 per month. You need to figure out how important that £57 is to you per month.

Is it worth the aggro and the risk of him deciding to pay £0.00 or him messing around constantly....but just enough to keep CSA at bay?

What I mean is...what is the impact of him not paying you for a month?

I've found its better to get something regularly every month albeit less than what the CSA say. Than constantly have to fight and go without because the ex has fallen out over something and has decided that this month he/she will show you by not paying.

Original poster

scarlotti · 04/01/2011 19:11

Thanks for your post niceguy, I think legal advice is definitely my next port of call. Have looked into it a little today to find who is available near me.

I am more than happy to be pragmatic - DD (16) is not H's and I have been apart from her Dad for 16 years with practically no maintenance paid during that time. I would forego the £57 a month for a quiet life just as you say - the thing I'm more concerned about is the house and the equity situation as I wouldn't be able to afford to buy him out.

All so much to think about at a time when sadness for how it's turned out is hard enough to deal with as it is.

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