miserable and confused

[ilovenewpyjamas]

How I wish to be writing for advice for the best tricycle with push-a-long feature ??.I wish but my worries are bigger as my life is miserable. I am miserable, depressed, sad?..I am trapped and I don?t know how to get out. I sometimes feel I am on the edge. Maybe I am writing for advice and maybe I am writing this just for me ? like a cathartic experience. Either way, yes, advice would be good as I am probably too tired to think anymore. I took courage to write this from a really honest thread by Zahora about regretting having kids -I know, very controversial but I could relate to what a lot of the women were saying. I don?t know whether it is because I am a single parent (I?m sure it doesn?t help) or just being an exhausted mother. I don?t know whether the answer would be getting back with my XP. Had I have known MH would be so bloody difficult then I probably would have never left him. It is like deciding between 2 really crap places ? I can?t find an attractive 3rd option. What I would really love is to meet the knight on that horse who picks me and DD up but I don?t think they will happen.
You may get bored of this, but I need to right my life story. Will do the abridged version here.
Met man ? very successful, good looking, blah blah - didn?t feel right ? signs of control - often critical ? wanted to leave ? he got angry ? emotionally abusive ? stayed with him ? wanting to leave ? difficult ? sometimes it was good ? when it was bad, it was really bad ?told him I didn?t want baby ? he got upset/annoyed ? I let him have his way -I know that makes me sound pathetic ? there?s a lot I haven?t mentioned ? but yes, I was pathetic and v confused ? oh shit I?m pregnant ? tried for abortion several times ? couldn?t go through with it ? left him when 7 months pregnant as emotional abuse/control too much ? he said it resulted from the fact that he was hurt as I wanted to leave him ? I didn?t know if I was thinking straight but I was in a mess ? I wasn?t prepared for a baby ? especially with him. But, I decided, I?ve made this choice and now I need to get on with it ? I was actually ok/happy ? had purpose as I got a flat ready with a nursery. Then, CRASH. I never expected MH to be like it has been. The pregnancy dream burst and it became hell. I was naïve not realising how diff being a mother is. Juggling a stressful part time job and with MH, only just making ends meet, she doesn?t sleep well, been to hospital with a few scares. Have hated being alone. I have pined and pined for him. Even now I am crying. I need him. And the most painful thing is that he was begging for me to go back for 2 years ? 2 years! I never knew what I wanted, I was usually too caught up in the chaos of day to day that I didn?t have time to think. When I did panic about him leaving me something came up ? like DD was ill or I was committed to my work (he lives in another city about 100 miles away). Then he would get frustrated. I had many chances and blew every one. Now it seems I have left it too late. This new year, he has asked to move on for me not to contact him. I feel so stupid. I feel in pain. Every day I drema about us being as a family, every day for the last 2 years ? why the hell did I not act quicker? Had I have known life would be so difficult. Plus, a aprt of me does still love him. WHY did he have to be so nasty ? I am living with my mother and finding I have no life at all. With him, we were going to go on all these holidays as a family ? I can?t bear the thought of going away just me and DD. He may have been emotionally abusive but surely being with him is better than this.

Hi hun, sorry to hear you're having such a crap time at the mo.
You've not mentioned how old your DD is?
Our situations are quite different in some ways but very similar in other ways and I can relate to a lot of things you have said and how you are feeling.
I was feelin very similar a few months ago but honestly things can and will get easier and better.
Firstly, have you spoken to your GP about your depression? They could maybe help you with anti depressants and/or councelling if you think it may help? I've been taking AD's for about 6 months now and they've made such a difference, I just feel like I can cope with DS a lot better and have more energy and enjoy him soooo much more. I dont want it to sound like I'm saying drugs are the answer but it's just I've found them to help immensely.

Do you have any friends in a similar situation or anyone who understands what you are going through?
I know I sometimes feel like it's just me who is going through all this whilst my friends with kids are all playing happy families.
I've recently met some very good friends through a website called Single With Kids and it's made a huge difference to meet friends in the same boat, u should check it out, my user name on there is ClaireBear83.

Also, u mentioned about going on holidays, they organise holidys through that website, we're booked to go on a farm holiday in May which I'm really looking forward to.

That's the one thing which still plays on my mind about my ex, we never got to go away just as the 3 of us.

Honestly, things will get better, let 2011 be the year where u put the past behind you and start enjoying your daughter. xxx

I'm really sorry that you are feeling so lonely and depressed.
MH is a wonderful thing, but it can also be tiring, thankless, infuriating, frustrating and incredibly hard work.
I myself have been struggling recently too and I thank my lucky stars that I don't have to cope on my own, although DH is often away.

I am very sorry that your XP treated you so badly. It sounds like you had a very complex relationship, but it sounds like it was also very unhealthy.
If he was controlling you and abusing you to the extent that he could prevent you from leaving and compel you to have a baby that you didn't really want, he was clearly the wrong man to be with.
I am sorry that you are lonely now and I am sorry that you are so down that being with him sounds better than your current situation.
However, getting back together with him would not answer your prayers. You would be condemning yourself to a lifetime of control and abuse.
I cannot promise that a knight in shining armour is going to gallop up and take you away from it all, but it is possible that you will meet someone more decent and suitable than your XP. Being together with you XP in a bad relationship will make that less likely to happen.

What you need to do is to sort yourself out. Become happy with yourself, your DD and your situation. Then you can consider preparing yourself for a new relationship.
Can you get extra help with your DD? Children are hard work. Does your Mum help at all?
Do you go out at all? Do you have a social life with friends? This is important for your sanity and stress relief.
Do you spend quality time with your DD that allows you to enjoy her company rather than just feeling that she is a burden?

Are you genuinely depressed? Is this something that a doctor could help with? Some anti-depressants, for just a short time, if appropriate, might help while you get back on your emotional feet.
Along the same lines, might some counselling help by allowing you to talk through things and getting your own head straight?

Everything you describe sounds hard and tough. But at the same time, it all sounds like it can be dealt with and that you can make it through.
Don't punish yourself by going backwards to the man who has caused so many of your problems. Go forwards and onwards and upwards to a new and better life for yourself and your DD. :)

MH is incredibly difficult at times, you are not bad for feeling that way at all. In fact please dont be so hard on yourself everything is overwhelming and difficult. I agree absolutely with hunny. Please go and see your dr. I eventually went when SS took my children to their father for a few days because I was so depressed I could bearly function. The doc was great she gave me anti depressants which made me feel worse for a few weeks then suddenly it was like the veil started to lift and I could see the way out. She also arranged for some cognitive behavioural therapy which was the best thing I ever ever done and would really benefit you. Its not like councelling it kind of helps you to view things a different way and to be kinder to yourself.
In the meantime keep posting on here you will always find support and understanding. You'd be suprised how many people have felt the way you do now. HUGS

hugs I think everyone has moments where mh is hard. But that child is part of you and will grow and go to playgroup and school and you will have more freedom.

I think you are lonely frustrated and stuck, and repeating a negative script in your head every day which makes it worse.

How about trying playgroup a few times a week? Having friends makes life so much better...

How about contacting homestart about gettin respite from your daughter ie . a couple of hours off a week?

How about gettin your mum to babysit and going out and having some fun and laughin a little?

Visualise the perfect man that you are going to attract and look forward.

To be honest you sound like someone who has had traumatic experiences which you are trying to come to terms with.

Ad's might help but I would suggest taking small practical steps in the meantime one every day as ad's bring problems of their own....

How about visiting the behaviour thread - I'm sure you could get some useful advice on there about how to deal with your daughter.

The best advice I ever heard was that every time they start crying tell yourself "the birds are tweeting in the trees, I am calm and happy etc" Sounds ridiculous but it does actually work!

I also take the view that they are going to cry fight/whatever anyway - either i can be calm and deal with it or I can get angry. Gettin angry does not benefit me or the kids, and usually prolongs the torture lol!

thank you to everyone who replied. I noticd some of the damage he has done (2 years of daily insults/criticism) when I saw that several people replied I didn't know whether to read them (self-protection) and then cried when I read the replies- you know, when someone is being nice to you.......It sounds self-pitying but it has been a long time, I have just realised, since I have heard nice things.

I wanted to reply earlier but have not had mmuch time today. DD sleeping :)

I have read all the repsonses over again - thank you to all of you.

Everyone, I had a better day because of your postings x

answers:

there are a lot of shit things. I think he has damaged me - a lot. I'm trying to get over it but at the same time I am a busy mother. I find that diffiuclt. I find that I am worrying about how I will cope and what to tell her about not having a father.

About the support network - I agree it is important. When I left him I had no job and no money left. I came back to live with my parents. it usually varies between tolerable and bloody awful. The advantages are I get some help (not that much) and it is quite reassuring to have other heart beats i the house. I'm not very good at living alone with baby. i miss my own place/freedom but I think I might find it stressful. PLus I can't afford my own place. He left me pretty much pennyless.
My parents are judgemental and often critical too. I am living in my childhood bedroom and fantasise about jumping out of the window a lot.

Which brings me to the next point. I often feel like I dont want to live but I am sure I would not commit suicide becasue of DD. If DD wasn't hear I would not be living here but I would have started a fresh life somewhere - make up for lost time.

That's why I feel trapped as I am v restricted. hen i left him, I imagined doing all these things with baby - like i said, I was naive.

I suppose I have depression - but I dno't know how I can feel happy. The only happiness I have is from moments woith DD (15mths)

We live in the mmiddle of nowhere. I work 2.5 days a week which is good but has come with added stress. I do take the train in to the hearest big towna nd go to a playgroup. I did meet a v nice woman but she is often busy. I tink I will keep trygin it just became hassle with the train etc.

I have one friend who lives 30 minutes away - the rest are far. There is one who would help me a lot but she is 4 hours away. Iam 32 and left here when I was 18, came back in deperation 2 years ago. I had a very good friend who helped me through the early pregnany time but I think she doesnt want to hear anymore moaning. She was v supportive at beg and kept saying it will get better. But, it hasn't really.SHe rang the other day to talk about if I had a nice Xmas and asked me questions about what I did. I jsut played along.

My mum could have baby for a few hours at the weekend but she is also tired from working FT. She can't do bedtime as DD quite unsettled.

Maybe if I focus on improving her sleep I would be able to have more tiem for myself - I would love to exercise, bath, read.....although I don't know how I could meet people.

Yeah, you are right - being lonely is the worst thing at moment. I know I am a big whinger. i know that I am not dying, and sometimes I feel grateful for many things (healthy baby who smile a lot, for one). Just....well, i can't help crying myself to sleep.

The best thing I did was go to a counsellor. I pay 30 pounds for nursery and drive 45 mins to a counsellor - 20 per hr with discout. i can only jsut afford it but it has helped. she has reassured me it is emotional abuse - like the reassurance I have had from you. she suggested mumsnet. I may talk about some things he did as i think i have deined a lot of it.

My other problem is that i presume people with H/P are all honkeydorey.

There are too many negatives going on - dealing with abuse, no time for me, loneliness, no money, lack of sleep, hate the way i look (Possible from XP), ruined my career, can barely hold my job down, living in an awkward environment, I had a miserable labour. Haven't even detailed parents, I get v angry when I think about what he did and how he has got away with it. I'm not going to hurt him physically(!) but I do get some sort of peae when I think about exposing his abusive emails etc.

maybe my problem is that I am a big romantic and i had big expectations of my life. And not jsut romantice, I am quite raditional but not judgemental. I get a lot of people gossiping about me (even my father sas he is ashamed to talk to people - doesn't know what to say) in this small town - people suspecting I had a one night stand etc etc. When really, I was pressurised into it. I was on holiday with him an I was too scared to refuse although i said v v clearly that I didnt want unprotected sex.

Anyway, I supose I am sad to the core - it started with being alone at labour and then I stayed in hosp for a week and couldn't handle H/P visiting hour - used to hide behind curtain. I cant stand seeing husbands.

Maybe in future I will have hope that someone will want to be with me and even have another baby with me.

I don't think XP will take me back now anyway.

Sorry to moan. For the first time in my lif, I jsut don't knwo what to do - where to go - I have never been so restricted and all my aspirations have had to change.

On that note, don't worry about DD, i don't blame her. i tihnk abotu her in a good way and she seems v happy.

this is the last time I am going to apologise for dreadful spellings! I'm sure you all know why.

Did any of you ever experience emotional abuse?

You have all taken me on my word that I was emotionally abused. He says I am just too sensitive, irrational when pregnant or that when he was a bit nasty when he was hurt becasue i hurt him. On the doubt that I have, I feel stupid to have risked a life with someone, never having to worry about money, giving DD a father, having someone to share all the good/difficult times with DD.

I wonder, if you are LP,would you really not try to get back to someone like my XP? He is great with children, financially very secure, very responsible, he is even a doctor...he ticks all the boxes except that he was very hard on me. Writing this, I do think again what the hell have I lost here.

just to add you are not whinging many of us have felt very similar things and understand we are happy to listen :)
I felt the same for a long time that I would rather be with a man who was no good for me than be alone but over time with help my attitude has changed and I would rather be safe keep posting we are here for you.

Are you on the housing list? If you are in one bedroom with your dd, at your parents house, you should be able to go onto the either waiting list/homeless application with the council and try to get your own flat.

I'm sure you would feel better in your own place?

I totally agree with lucie its much better to try and improve your own life and make the best of what you have, than to get into any relationship which will ultimately make you unhappy.

I can't qualify for housing benefit and c tax as I work 2.5days. On my salary and taken off my outgoings, renting is not possible at mo. But I do plan to work more in afew months so I will try to get a smal flat then. it will be tight but I do miss my space and I think you are right, I might feel better.

Yes, I need hope. When I feel hopeless, and think about the lifestyle he could offer (at least with him I had some kind of life)I then think Im better off with him.

I'm in the process of writing down all the crap he gave me (been putting off) to make me realise (hopefully) that it was definitey EA and I didn't deserve it/start it.

I just saw your post, and just wanted to reassure you that i don't know anyone that hasn't found MH overwhelming at times, my eldest is 16 and still now I sometimes ask myself "what the hell am i doing?" "why did i have children?" It does get better, please believe that. You will reach a point in your life where you feel happy again, promise

In the meantime, do you not qualify for housing benefit to help out with rent? Maybe move nearer to the town where you work? Possibly qualify for help towards childcare costs etc?

Also second what others have said about talking to your GP who may be able to offer NHS counselling and save you some money.

Hello ilovenewpyjamas. I have lurked here for two and half years and never posted. But I could not let this go unanswered as it mirrors in many respects my situation and I am a man.

I too after two and half years of trying to get back with my ex have said enough is enough and I need to move on. I akin it to keep knocking on the door and not getting an answer and at some point you have to except that no one is in. This time of the year makes all of us focus on where we are at in life and take stock of our own personal situation.

Now two years is a long time and given you are only 32 and I will assume he is not much older. Being a Doctor and in the scheme of things that makes him a good catch so finding another woman should not have posed much difficulty for him. But he didn?t. So I think that needs to be your starting point for some deep thinking. In my own situation I have had a handful of opportunities to be with someone else and I have always rejected them, sometimes to the surprise of the admirer. Although I craved intimacy and many times felt very alone when everyone around me seems to have happy lives I knew deep inside that the only woman for me was my ex. Not all men are philanders. Some, and especially those who have already had a long term relationship, yearn for the woman they love and the family life that has now gone. Not in a soppy way but in a real sense as parenthood does make you grow up and think deeply about many things. Men hurt as well. They get scared with the arrival of a baby and my take is that couples don?t talk enough about each other?s fears and aspirations and then the rot sets in (with life being an added factor) and the all too often blame and counter blame that never seems to stop. That perhaps needs to be your second focus as I have long since accepted that nothing is black and white and there are many shades of grey. Take a hard look at your involvement in the break-up and see if there was room for improvement. Not blaming just trying to have some balance as I can feel your pain. Men really are simple creatures but will come onto that shortly.

I liken relationships now to bread making machines. At the start you are not sure what you are doing. There is so much to work out. What ingredients, temperature how long to leave rising. But after trial and error you get there and produce the perfect loaf! You stay with that loaf for many months, if not years, and then one day you decide to produce a different loaf and it does not come out as per the recipe. Instead of trying to work out why; you (men and women) blame the machine and throw it away and buy another one ? because that must be the ?problem? instead of remembering the start of your bread making experience. I mention this in relation to your ?knight in shining amour? statement. Sure one might come along but real life kicks in at some point and then we are back to swapping the bread maker for a new one without trying to understand why the second loaf did not come out right. The Irish have a saying ?that only he who makes the stew knows what went into it.? From your first meet it could not have been all bad. There must have been good times. Only you really know if you had sex or if you made love. I think that needs to be another focus.

There are so many on here to ready to suggest that you are depressed. ?See the Doctor and get some happy pills? they shout. I tried that one. Three minutes after meeting my Doctor for the first time I was dispatched with happy pills (Prozac) and then the worst nightmare I have ever experienced started. I did not know what day of the week it was. I was in a place that no one wants to go. It was complete madness. I was on them for four months and when I went back to see the Doctor all he wanted to do was up the dose!! I went cold turkey to come off of them and that was even more madness times ten.

What I did do afterwards was some exercise. Changed my diet big time and trust me my mood changed for the better and for once I felt normal. Perhaps that should be your next focus. I know my ex is/was much stressed. When I tried to help through my own experiences she pushed me away so much and so often that the rejection became so painful that I reverted to survival mode. I tried to reach out to her but there are only so many times you can keep knocking at the door. Perhaps that could be another focus?

I now want to make reference to the emotional abuse and its second cousin ?control? part of your posting. Having read far too many postings on Mumsnet it appears to me every man is an emotional abuser. The comments that come back are always the same. ?Change the locks.? ?See a Solicitor.? ?Call the Police? And many more. It used to make me very angry and now just saddens me. These are people that do not know you in real life or the dynamics of your relationship but are very quick to give armchair advice without knowing the full and complete picture.

The postings did, however, give me some guidance as I could see at times I was an emotional abuser and I am ashamed to admit that one time I hit her and that night will never go away both for me and her. But again it is not all black and white. Too much detail to give here but lets just say that a chain of circumstances really messed my brain chemicals and for a lot of the time I did not know what I was doing. It?s not an excuse but just statements of fact as I see it and will always be truly sorry but there are only so many times you can say sorry. It was not her fault but a toxic in-law but that?s a hell of a long story.

Before I talk about second cousin ?control? I would just like to say I was far from being perfect. I had a drink problem. An anger problem. Issue?s in the past problem and under a lot of stress. Not an excuse but never-the-less factual. I spent two and half years trying to get back with her because I loved her and wanted to make her life easier and for us to be a family. There is only so much rejection you can take and I believe your Doctor friend really loved you ( two years is a long time) but can no longer take the rejection and needs to move on to safe guard his own sanity. Perhaps that is something you could focus on.

There is a lot of talk on Mumsnet about controlling men. My take is that when a woman has a baby nurture mode kicks in and no end of routines applies. Great and that is the way it should be. But a lot of women then start to micro-manage their partners. In my case it was when to shower. What to wear. What to feed our daughter. What to read to her. How to read to her. When to play with her and the list goes on. It is sole destroying. It robs you of your identity and makes you frighten to do anything in case it is the wrong thing at the wrong time. It wears you down and makes you question your own worth. I mention this so there is some balance in the discussion and you can, hopefully see it from a man?s point of view and get you to reflect on your own situation.

Beside me is a great park with a fantastic children?s play area. I spend a lot of time there just thinking.

No one has a child with someone expecting the relationship to fall apart. The pain is very real and never seems to end. My take is for the two of you to move forward you have to get off the merry-go-round [blame/poor me], get on the swings [solitude/reflection] and join each other on the see-saw [balance]. I don?t know if he has given up on the merry-go-round or even if he has spent time on the swings but I do know he is on the see-saw and without you to play with he has no choice but to move on as the see-saw needs two people to work.

But what you do don?t go back because he can offer financial security. It is not fair on either of you. Do, however, explore reconciliation if in your heart of hearts you know there is room for compromise. Only you can make that decision.

And finally just before Xmas I was asked ?Do you have any regrets?? Regrets about meeting her. Regrets about having a child with her. Regrets about the last two and half years. After a lot of thought I relied ?No? ?No regrets except that we did not go the distance. His next question thou really through me. ?Would you go back now if she asked?? And after a lot of soul searching I have to be honest and say no. Not back to the way it was. The only chance would be for her to understand that it was both of us that got us into this mess and it needs both of us to make it work. I can?t play on the see-saw on my own!!

Above is part or all what your Doctor friend is thinking. I hope it helps. Take care.

I was also in an emotionally abusive relationship for 3 years and what you have to remember is that it can completely strip you of your self esteem. This will go in time but probably accounts for alot of your feelings at the moment on top of being a LP with a DD who is a difficult sleeper? My DS was a nighmare at bedtime and it could last for hours and I found this very tough even though I had help as I was still with my XH at the time. It might help to talk about the EA either on here, in RL or PM me if you want to as when it is written down on black and white you can see that he was wrong in the things he did/said to you.

Hope your OK

nice post ificouldundothepast.
hope op sees that, relate would be a good option.

Zanywany: ??.as when it is written down on [sic] black and white you can see that he was wrong in the things he did/said to you.?

I really hope the OP does not PM you. It will not be constructive or helpful as your starting point is assuming that he is in the wrong. All of us on the lone parents section know too well the pain that is felt with the emotional fall out of a relationship that comes to an end and even for those that initiated the break up.

There are three types of friends when your relationship fails. Type one will gladly listen to you and agree with everything that you say. This effectually leaves you on the merry-go-round and prevents you from going to the swings. They may be motivated by genuine concern but in my view they are offering armchair advice because they are avoiding the issues in their own past/present relationship difficulties.

Type two shows empathy. Is prepared to listen but offers no advice or criticisms either way.

Type three is a special and rare type of friend. They are like type two but always end the conversation by asking ?so what are you going to do about it?? Type three remains neutral but still tries to get you over to the swings because they have your best interests at heart and can see you are in pain but also understand that only you can walk the walk.

Noraa: Like you I think the OP should explore all avenues and relate may be one of them. I have views about relate, however, and will come to that in a moment. My starting point was that he was knocking on the door for two years and the OP has said that a part of her still loves him. With a child involved those are two powerful reasons to continue to explore all avenues before you call it a day. Not to do so will always have you wondering and not allow you to have complete closure. I am not one to give advice in relationships but in this case will break that rule and suggest that the OP reaches out to him before he is too far down the road and can?t come back.

I have a jaundice view about relate having had just the one session with them. It seems to me that when a relationship has difficulties both people don?t simultaneously say ?let?s go to relate.? It is always one that pushes to go first and that by its very nature creates a power imbalance as one of you is clinging on to the relationship harder than the other. Also I don?t think men are hard wired to speak openly to a stranger about their relationship difficulties where as women find it easier. Also too many people think relate is some kind of magic pill that just fixes things by virtue of just attending. At best relate can give you the tools to understand and deal with your problems and at worse can make it worse. There are good and bad councillors like all professions and relate is no more than a branded name.

It was me who pushed to go to relate. We attended together. The first twenty minutes was spent filling in a questionnaire. Inside I was screaming that we are here to fix our relationship not fill out your bloody questionnaire. After all it?s my £50 that was paying for this. At the point she asked me my ethnicity; we lock horns. I asked her what the relevance was. She said she would not continue until the questionnaire had been completed. I tell her white Irish.

We then both spoke individually for a while. At the end of me speaking she asked me ?Is there financial abuse involved?? Now this is a term I have never heard and ask her to explain what it meant. When she explained it all I could think was she should ask the ex if there was emotional abuse involved and l could answer because I went from having a family to living in a room. She would not communicate. Would not allow me get close to her and was shutting me out. I felt abused. I felt it was all one sided but to be fair I was very raw and extremely fragile and still on the merry-go-round of blame and poor me.

This woman was around my age [47]. She was grossly overweight and clearly had an alcohol problem. To add to that she was not wearing a wedding ring. You may ask what relevance that has. As someone who has studied nutrition and alcoholism for far too many years it seem to me that this person who was committing dietary suicide and has no balance, restraint and control in her own life and is perhaps divorced is not in a position to teach us the same qualities. Whilst thinking that I keep saying to myself to stay in there as we had got this far because all I wanted was my family back.

The session ended. She then tells us that relate policy is not to counsel couples together if there had been DV involved and therefore she would only see us individually. Well that was enough for me. Not only did I not think she was not up to the job but she now wanted £100 instead of £50 twice each week. No more for me. The cynic in me said that was an amazing marketing ploy.

After that we saw a non-relate councillor in private practice both together and on our own. I found him very easy to get along with and thought he was fair and not judgemental.
At the time I did not understand what he was trying to do. But now realise he was trying to get us off the merry-go-round of blaming and counter blame.

To the OP I second Noraa and suggest you explore relate and if the first councillor is not working move onto another one. Your posting suggests to me there is hope for you and your Doctor friend. Take care.