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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

I just want to erase him from the picture.

23 replies

poshsinglemum · 31/12/2010 00:14

I know I will get flamed but I want to cut dds father off altogether. he terrifies me and is a loose canon.
He's never seen her but keeps in contact sporadically. He wants to see her but i am terrified he will abduct her. (He's a foreigner). I can't believe I was stupid enough to get pregnant with this man. i love dd but feel fucked up inside about her dad.

He fled to Iran when dd was 8 months pregnant and if he ever takes her out there then she is SCREWED.

OP posts:

LovePinkBitsOfMyHorse · 31/12/2010 00:16

Has your daughter had her baby yet?

GypsyMoth · 31/12/2010 00:16

So how does he make contact?

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 31/12/2010 00:19

My dd is two. Did I phrase that badly?

He phones and moans about how he longs to see her. This is considering he pressurised me to abort her when I was pregnant, was absent and abusive over the phone. He is Greek/Iranian and I am a complete tool.

OP posts:

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 31/12/2010 00:20

My life has been screwed up for years now and I'm fed up with it. I'm not having any more children as I don't want to bring them into my mess.

OP posts:

Maelstrom · 31/12/2010 00:21

Does he have parental responsibility? can you get a residence order? I believe you can apply for one and with that in hand it is more difficult for him to apply to get passports etc. If Iran is a signatory of the Hague Convention you may get the child back much easily than if they are not.

Please visit reunite.org or give them a call, they will provide very useful, even if preventive, advice.

GypsyMoth · 31/12/2010 00:22

Change your number then, see how serious he is. He will find another way to contact if serious

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 31/12/2010 00:26

No Hague convention there at all. I am terrified.

OP posts:

UnlikelyCrackerzonian · 31/12/2010 01:43

What has brought these thoughts on Posh? What's happened?

earwicga · 31/12/2010 01:59

Do it then. No need for him so far, and there won't be. Do what Maelstrom has said. You know for a fact that if he takes your child to Iran you will never see her again, probably not Greece either.

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 31/12/2010 08:45

I read an article in the paper about a women whose father took them to France. I just can't risk it.

OP posts:

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 31/12/2010 08:46

I feel very sad that it has come to this. My fault entirely.

OP posts:

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 31/12/2010 08:49

The quaetsion is how do I do it without damaging dd? When she is 18 I will encourage her to find him if that's what she wants but right now I think it would be a disatour.

OP posts:

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 31/12/2010 08:50

sorry typos

OP posts:

Mzdemeanourunderthemistletoe · 31/12/2010 09:16

Posh - see here for useful advice about parental abduction. I am in similar situation as my DT's father is Turkish. He was deported from the UK back to Turkey and has made vague attempts to return but think has had visa refused. He has asked me to take the kids to Turkey but I am too worried that I would return without them ...

Like you I worry about the longterm implications for my children - who I do believe have the right to some relationship with their dad ... but not prepared to risk losing them for that relationship to continue ... it's a bugger isn't it.

JustForThisOne · 31/12/2010 12:44

Get professional help! I did
From CP and Family Lawer
The first few year I was wrap up in fear and guilt
I wanted some type of mediation put in place but luckly I was adviced by a lawer that the child was far to young. She asked me how would I feel if within 5 years the child name was to be on father passport. No way!
Their interest does fad out so goes your guilt feeling. This is not to say that one must not facilitate contact when it feels right but you will have to be in a pretty sound state of mind to face it. I do not feel you are yet but you will be.
Your DD will not ask anything for a good few years. Your job is to love protect and nourish her. You must have a good relationship with her, save all your energy for it.
When they start asking you need to have worked out your inner most feeling about what happened. You must get to the point that you do not feel stupid for what you have done ( I am not there yet) but it will come (with some little help from your friends)
You must never feel guilty or you will always be sending mixed feelings to her. She is a blessing not a mistake. She choose you to be brought to this world.
You will have to face the "problem" long before she is 18 unless. I would.
Are you scared that she would love him? Be honest with yourself. If he is so bad she will see it for herself, than again if you feel for him she might just as well do the same.
I know a 14 years old girl that has never been interested to meet her dad but her mother does bring up the subject every so often. As a mother you must put in place all the measures you can to feel safe enough but still be ready to provide access of some sort.

JustForThisOne · 31/12/2010 12:45

I could have done with a spell check sorry!

WhereAmIWhereAreYou · 31/12/2010 12:51

whose surname does your dd have?

LovePinkBitsOfMyHorse · 31/12/2010 14:23

Has he threatened to abduct her?

Zappy123 · 06/01/2011 11:11

Hi, sorry about this but don't agree with how your dealing with things.

If you have genuine concerns that your dtr may be taken out of the country there are a number of things you could do to give you peace of mind; for example keep the passports and/or obtain a PSO.

As for the dad, he misses his dtr. Is that wrong or unusual? Why add to his misery?

Your dtr has a right to know her father. When she grows up what you want is to be able to fill in that blank page as best you can. If the dad is willing to send photo's of himself and family, write the occasional letter or card, perhaps visit the UK now and again. What is wrong with that? Likewise if you promised to keep him in the picture and support the relationship as best you can, what harm does that cause in comparison to the good that you would be doing.

BurningBright · 06/01/2011 11:41

Posh - I went through something similar a couple of years ago when my DD's father suddenly decided that he wanted to see her after abandoning me before she was born and ignoring her existence for two years. I didn't have the fear of abduction though.

My initial reaction was that I didn't want him anywhere near my daughter.
I really, really understand how you are feeling and why you might feel that you want to cut him off completely.

But if you possibly can, try to divorce what you feel from what is right and fair for your daughter. She has a right to know him.

With regard to your fears about abduction, there are steps that you can take to protect her from this. If she does not already have a passport, get one listing only you as a parent and make sure you keep it safe. Allow supervised contact only. Presumably he is a stranger to your daughter so it would need to be supervised to start with anyway.

Does he have parental responsibility?

Would you consider mediation?

Saltatrix · 06/01/2011 12:10

Ok is your fear he will abduct your child because he has be expressing that notion himself or because of his race?

Saltatrix · 06/01/2011 12:11

been*

BurningBright · 10/01/2011 09:41

Posh - are you ok?

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