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Original poster

i feel like i am being pushed to being the 'baddie'

51 replies

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 28/12/2010 00:14

ok so Exp is home on leave, we have no arranged contact, i have told him he can have the dcs anytime aslong as he prearranges it and doesn't just turn up at the house.

he had them today, brought them back at 6pm (agreed time) and sat down on the sofa watching tv. I was just sitting down to my dinner (he had given them dinner at his mums) and when i finished i went back to my ironing. as it approached half 6 i asked ds1 if he wanted a bath, he said yes so i asked EXp if he would like to do it as he was here. so he bathed the dcs and put them to bed and then came back down and sat down on the sofa. i was using the computer so it wasn't like he was even sitting down with me. I feel really awkward when people are in my house, as though i have to entertain them, well it's rude not to speak to someone who visits but as he wasn't really invited to stay it felt weird, i tried to make conversation but he was giving brief answers and carried on watching tv, and then i asked him something about his car (stupid racer boy car that he is trying to sell) and he got annoyed and said " just stop talking to me" quite sharply and i said "hang on, you're in my house, you don't tell me to stop talking to someone who is sitting in my house" so he said "right I'm going" and went off in a bit of a huff.

the thing is this isn't a one off. when he came to collect the dcs earlier (agreed time was 2pm) he arrived 15 minutes early, infact he was behind me for the last few miles of my journey from my mum's and he came into the house and while i was setting teh fire he switched teh computer on and said "I'm using yoru computer" he stayed til afetr 3pm. teh whole time teh dcs had their coats on because i presumed he would be taking them soon but i didn't want to take them off them incase he would take it as invitation to stay longer.

so basically he is taking liberties and i feel he is doing it intentionally to get me to get me to snap and tell him to stop hanging around so that i am the one being unreasonable.

how do i make it clear to him that he isn't invited to lounge about my house but without me being made out to be a cow. which i knwo he will do. FWIW i always have teh dcs ready to go, coats on at agreed pick up time but he usually ahs a reason that he needs to come into the house, like using teh computer or something.

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 29/12/2010 00:37

OP: you do not have to let this man in your house. Ever. if you don't want him there. There are no court orders he can obtain that will allow him access to your home which is NOT his home. Court orders WRT his access to DC will only insist that you allow him to see DC eg have them ready when he comes to collect them, or bring them to an agreed neutral place.
So while you may want to follow the advice given by other posters about telling him when you want him to leave etc, please bear in mind that if necessary you can get a restraining order against him forbidding him to enter your home. You may well not want to go this far yet but remember that you have a legal right to do so, you do not have to just accept him being in your house and not going when you want him to because he is DC's father.

DioneTheDiabolist · 29/12/2010 00:37

Mine is still on too. Me Ma's is still off. That makes me think that NI Water, as with all our governement bodies are a bunch of amateurs. So better safe than sorry.

They wouldn't get away with this if I were Queen of the World(tm). Fair trade organic for everyone!Xmas Grin

BTW the site to check is here

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 29/12/2010 00:42

fairtrade organic NI water service?? Grin

SGB you are right. i know he has no right to be in my home. i have been trying to play this in as a relaxed way as possible so not placing any restrictions until something became a problem which is why i have been letting him come in, but i can see now, he is taking teh piss so in future it will be doorstep and no further.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 29/12/2010 00:53

wondering if i should go and have my morning shower now? don't want to risk not getting it in teh morning.

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 29/12/2010 01:00

You mentioned him coming home on leave: is he in the army?While that rules out having set weekly contact, you can still get it legally formalised that he (for instance) has to ring you or text you and not just appear on the doorstep, or give you advance warning of when his leave occurs and allow you to agree when he can see DC but you do not have to just be available whenever he chooses to appear.

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 29/12/2010 01:07

navy. yes that is why i have been so relaxed with contact because he can't see them regularly so i didn't want to restrict his contact while he is here.

so far he has kept in touch letting me know when he is on leave and has been asking by text or phone if he can come and have the dcs although tbh he hasn't asked to have them much. he seems to think that when he is coming to collect them, that he is welcome to come in and sit down as if he is also visiting me. this is obviously, NOT ok, i don't want him to be in my house, i am not comfortable with him here. i imagine that when he realises he wont be coming in anymore he will start messing me around WRT just turning up and not bringing them back on time in an attempt to get me to go to solicitors, so of course there will be no blame on him for involving them.

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 29/12/2010 01:55

Look love, when you are dealing with an unreasonable dickhead there is no point in acting like you are dealing with an unreasonable person. What's wrong with involving solicitors? If anyone asks, you tell them you did it because he was being a knob.
As others said, you don't have to let him in. Just either hand over DC on the doorstep or tell him to wait in the car if he turns up early, then if he tries to come in when he brings them back, say 'Thanks, bye' and shut the door in his face. I appreciate that y0u might not want to have to actually say to him 'You are not coming into my house again' but just always have a reason why it's not convenient for him to come in and shut the door on him.

Gonzo33 · 29/12/2010 05:48

Boo,

Your xp sounds like mine. I am now remarried, but when I was a single parent (7 yrs) and separated from my xp I had this sort of problem.

My xp used to claim that he still loved me, wanted me back etc, but when I told him I wasn't interested (almost on a daily basis) he would kick off and get nasty emotionally and physically (I know you have said your xp hasn't been violent). When I called the police they told me that even mental abuse (making you feel guilty etc) is classed as Domestic Violence. What they, and my solicitor, advised me to do was to try and meet on neutral ground. So I started to tell the xp that we were going out in the morning and could he meet me at x place to pick the children up instead. He didn't like it but at the end of the day it keeps your home yours.

I too wanted to avoid confrontation because of the continual harrassment that I suffered if I stood up to him, but one of the other posters is right eventually you are going to be forced into a situation where you have to stand up to him. Trust me the longer you leave it the harder it will become.

mathanxiety · 29/12/2010 06:25

Chain on door so it doesn't open all the way when you answer his knock.

Better still, hand over the DCs at the local fast foodery or some other spot at a prearranged time and you pick them up there too afterwards so he doesn't go near the house at all.

Best of all -- solicitors.

What he did just there was testing to see if you would resist and is yes, how much. 'Trust me the longer you leave [resisting] the harder it will become.' Never was a truer word spoken.

Never ever again ask him to do anything in your house (like bathing the DCs).

'Not an inch' should be your motto from now on.

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 29/12/2010 12:27

well he came to collect ds about half an hour ago and i just had ds ready to walk out the door, so he didn't get a chance to come in. i made no excuses. just gave ds a kiss and sent him off. Exp did notice but said nothing. will do the same at drop off.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 29/12/2010 12:28

i can't put a chanin on the door because my hall is only the width of the door so i couldn't actually see out IYSWIM.

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 29/12/2010 16:32

well done boo. good luck with drop off. open door greet ds and say, see you then, smile and close door. a narrow hall may help Smile

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 29/12/2010 17:11

yes i will just open the door enough for ds to come in and i will close teh door over as soon as he is through.

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 29/12/2010 17:46

let me know how it goes. thinking of you.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 29/12/2010 17:46

let me know how it goes. thinking of you.

mathanxiety · 29/12/2010 18:01

Long chain? That way the door could open about 9-12 inches and you could get your head around?

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 29/12/2010 18:05

i will santa.

surely if it was that long he could put his hand in and open it anyway? well, I'll see how this evening goes before i do that

OP posts:
CarGirl · 29/12/2010 18:06

Baby steps, baby steps......

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 29/12/2010 18:21

that went well, thank god. he parked his car as if he was coming in rather than just right infront of the door where he would if he is just dropping off, but i had just dished up my dinner so i went to the door with my plate and just opened wide enough for ds, asked him if he had a good time and just said see you later to EXP. he just started walking away and threw a 'bye' over his shoulder.

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 29/12/2010 18:52

well done!

and keep going.

if you stick to it, that casually but assertively it will soon become the norm.

do love the long jangly lampshade idea too though as an extra prompt. and if it is the place you lived together before do decorate and make it your own - get your spray on it Wink

start with the hall.

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 29/12/2010 18:54

yes he lived here aswell, although i am trying to find a new house to live so might hold off on the redecorating!1 Smile

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 29/12/2010 18:55

a picture, a lightshade, a mirror - whatever. something visible from the door that says, 'change' and 'not yours'.

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 29/12/2010 18:58

yep i think you're right. a new lightshade it is!!

OP posts:
CarGirl · 29/12/2010 18:59

New door mat - can take that with you Grin

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 29/12/2010 20:06

pick a style he'd never have chosen and that is very much you but a bit louder maybe. something that says confident.

Grin it is quite funny when you think about it. so long as he doesn't kick off. if he does we'll all help you strategise on how to deal with him.

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