Lodger taking advantage of LP status?!?!

[StellaBrillante]

Back in September, I took in a lodger as I really need the extra cash coming in. Not pleasant having a stranger living under the same roof as ds and I but seeing the person would have been thoroughly checked for work purposes (and I did pre-screening), I thought we could take the risk.
Nothing major other than started to feel that said lodger was taking liberties or making jokes / remarks which were pushing it too far ("good girl"). I put it down to me being my stupid, friendly self and immeadiately retreated. Around same time, found out that lodger had helped himself to very nasty vodka (used for mixing cake decorating powder, pure alcohol) which I thought it wasn't on but let it go. Yesterday, went to grab bottle of wine to take to friend's today only to find said bottle empty, with the screw top on, in the cupboard! Absolutely livid and feeling that trust has been ruined. Lodger away with family (Mon-Fri arrangement and off work during holiday period) so have time to cool down. I would kind of understand if this was a 19 year old but a grown man in his forties, with two children?!?! Feel VERY vulnerable and it's crossed my mind a few times that he maybe feels like powerful male presence. It doesn't help that we're hardly at home or go to bed early so he's got more use of the house than we do. Not a problem until I finished work and ds and I were able to watch late telly (just before Xmas) and lodger decided to sit in the lounge with us. I really don't understand how somebody can have so little common-sense or self-awareness. Please, what am I doing wrong and how do I handle this? I did say that he could use the lounge whenever we weren't about (which is normally most of the time) but I didn't expect to have to sit on the sofa with him when we are there! I just feel so stupid for being too friendly or too trusting!!! And the thing with the alcohol is that I now feel inclined to hide the two very expensive bottles which were a present and I've started to wonder what else he's up to after we've left in the morning. Argh!!!

hmmm...he rents a room in our house, so really, can you expect him NOT to sit in the lounge - what, sit in his room all night? Unrealistic and unreasonable. Although you could say "Id like to spend some quality time with my son, would you mind not sitting in here tonight?"

However, the wine is not OK, although I can see how it might have happened - he fancied a drink one night, drank it, and thought "I'll replace it tomorrow" - and then forgot.

Just leave empty bottles next to his bed, with a post-it "I presume you were planning on replacing this?"

That's a good one!

I would just take all the booze and keep it in your bedroom, does the contract state that he has full use of everything in the house? Don't think so!

You need to have it out with him! Put up some boundaries, by not confronting him about taking the vodka and wine, you have given him the ok.

Hope you have all your personal and valuable stuff firmly under lock and key!

I've had lodgers but mostly friends-type who needed temporary housing, this guy would give me the creeps in my own house!

I would look to terminate the arrangements asap.

Tbh, I am a bit concerned about your personal safety from a man (stranger) who takes such liberties in your own home. He does not seem to understand boundaries and is taking you for a fool. The implied physical threat of his presence is enough for me when you said 'powerful male presence'.

I would just give a plausible excuse eg 'family member coming to stay indefinitely' and show him the door. Don't mention the nicked alcohol. It is a small price to pay to get him out. Change the locks.

I agree with blueshoes. I'd get him out as fast as I could.

To be honest, I don't like him taking the wine - it would be different if he just took it, but putting it back empty is too weird - are you supposed to think that you must have drunk it?

I wouldn't want him roaming around the house either - are you sure he hasn't been in your room?

I'd get rid of him after the theft. And review arrangements for next person ie Have a proper arrangement Ie what rooms he or she can and can't use.

Get rid he sounds very overbearing and rude.

In the future, get some overseas students in as lodgers, my nan did this when we were younger and i learnt a lot from them.

They are always polite and nearly out all the time aswell, my nans used to cook us dinner ( italian, swedish, portugese etc ) very educational and a great experience.

Thank you all for your responses, I've had this in the my mind non-stop since the lounge issue (before I found the empty bottle of wine).
Just to allow myself a moment of self-pity here, I wouldn't bloody be taking a stranger in if I didn't really need the money so why couldn't this be nice and simple for a change?!?!
Confession: when the vodka thing happen, it got alarm bells ringing especially considering that he's only here from Mon to Thu! Not wanting to judge others' tastes, I was so shocked by the fact that he felt the need to drink almost a whole bottle of some seriously nasty ASDA super-value vodka that I decided to take a look at his cupboard. Up until then, I hadn't bothered checking anything as I didn't feel the need to and was mindful of respecting his space. He's got his shelves in the fridge, double cupboard in the kitchen and of course his room and own bathroom. I did hand out a list with the house rules and I mentioned that he should feel free to use the lounge if we weren't there - this is most of the time as we tend to read and both ds and I go to bed very early due to painfully early start. So with the lounge, I can only assume that he got so used to having free use of it pretty much all the time he's here (we finish in the kitchen when he arrives so he's got the all to himself too) that he's overlooked the fact that he's a lodger renting a room, not a house-sharer / housemate. This also means that he never vaccuums or does anything in any of the rooms other than his own.
Back to the vodka, I found a couple of bottles stashed in the back of his cupboard both pretty much empty and he had been going through a bottle of wine per evening. Plus unlike at the start when he would go to the gym after work every day, he suddenly stopped. Not being much of a drinker myself, the alcoohol consumption freaked me out but a couple of colleagues seemed to think that it wasn't that bad for a guy who was probably bored, lonely, missing his family.

Now this has happened with the wine and I too saw it as stealing. At the end of the day, we've got a 24hr ASDA 5 mins drive from here and even if we didn't, surely you can't be that desperate for a drink in the middle of the week that you have to steal from your landlady - and leave the empty bottle behind!!!
I just don't understand it. Especially from a guy his age and circumstances, I'd have expected him to be mindful of the overall set up and to show basic respect for what is not his. There is really no excuse.
I will tell him to go when he comes back (1 month's notice as per contract) and will advertise for another part-time lodger as before. We need the house to ourselves at the weekend and we don't live particularly central so not appealing to the younger ones!

Oh, and I've arranged for a male friend to come over for dinner on lodger's first day back. If nothing else, it shows that we are not alone and not as vulnerable as he may think. Gosh, what's wrong with bloody people?!?!?! (men!!!)

I have have several female friends who take in lodgers ad as it happens they are all young male students and hence you might think prone to heavy drinking and selfish behaviour. This is not how it works at all. You need to need to give notice to this man.

He is a guest as per someone who stays in a hotel. It is your home and not his. He is not a tenant. There are house rules and he must abide by them.

BeenBeta, this is exactly how I see it! It's my home and he's failedy to return the respect that I've shown to him. What I find even more puzzling is that we look after our things we really well and the house is always nice and tidy. What I mean this is that sometimes, by not showing enough care and respect for your own things (house a tip, kitchen in a mess, etc), you almost encourage others to do the same or you give them the excuse to behave in the same away. But this is not the case here at all so...