Having no father around...

[ForFestiveSake]

do you think your child suffers?

DS is 19 months and has never met his 'father'. He mos likely never will (not my choice)

Is anyone else in this situation? What do you think are the long term effects of having no father around? Hoe do I go about compensating for fathers lack of balls?

the effects dont need to be negative if you dont make them so - be confident in your ability to keep your ds safe loved and secure.

build a network of positive role models family / friends etc.

if you are confident and happy -then cahnces are he will be too.

i'm in same position forfestive.

i think the risk, though i hope it can be avoided, is that the child will feel a sense of worthlessness - that they weren't worth sticking around for, their own father couldn't be bothered sort of thing. we knew a teenager boy who had taken that from it and he was really sad for a while but i think it was more his issues and the reality of his father merging in his head.

from that though i take it as really important that the child grows up realising that it definitely wasn't their fault and was about the kind of man their father was not to do with them. there's the line of 'being a daddy is a really big, responsible job and a really important one and not everybody can step up to that' sort of thing.

my son is 3yrs and 9months. the questions are quite hard sometimes. you want to be honest but have to make it age appropriate too.

do you have family around? i found comfort in making sure he was close to my family and had lots of secure regular figures he knew loved him and were consistent and there for him.

My DS1 has not had a dad around (DS1 is 21 now)while DS2 only sees his dad in the holidays due to distance.

DS1 is, and has always been fine about it,he just accepted the situation,wasn't angry,and didn't feel 'hard done by',we've spoken about it lots in the past.He is a very caring, balanced,sensitive DS,and has always felt that there's a lot of kids in the same boat.

I think I always felt pressured by the situation- at Christmas, Birthdays, parents evenings etc,in a way guilt ridden that he missed out,that i couldn't change the situation.. but he is happy, has great friends,and is doing really well at college and work.In fact he's quite a character!

Looking back now he is older, i'm glad he had a 'peaceful' upbringing,we weren't messed about over contact,he didn't have to witness arguements, odd feelings etc.. we were left alone to get on with it and actually it was positive and cosy..

Male input and role models can also be in the form of other family members,your male friends, dads' of his friends etc..

The family idyll is probably not so much the norm. these days,and what you have sometimes has advantages!

I'm in exactly the same situation, as my ex buggered off with someone else when I was pg and he has never even seen DS (not for want of trying on my part ). DS is 4.5 and is happy, polite, bright, friendly and well-adjusted. I don't see any difference between him and the kids of my friends in couples, either behaviourally or emotionally.

I have a loving, supportive family and don't think my son suffers at all from being raised by a single parent. He'd suffer a lot more if his cheating, lying, worthless, irresponsible shit of a dad was involved in his life - someone like that is hardly a good role model for a young boy.

agree with all jellykat said - we are blessed to have peace. i've seen some awful situations of war between mothers and non-resident dad's playing power games with the child in the middle.

think it is important that they get the sense they're not the only ones, that this happens not infrequently and men do choose not to be with their children sometimes. might not be a pretty peter and jane truth but it is the truth. i'm hoping when he starts primary school there'll be other kids from different backgrounds than the whole family norm as portrayed in children's books.

i talked to a teacher on the open day about it and she reassured me they're very aware and don't push or emphasise one family type over and encourage children to feel good about their family whatever shape it is.

i wanted to add that children respond to love, not maternal love, or paternal love...
that most people agree that a family is a group of people who love and look after each other, not even necessarily blood related,
that husbands/fathers may not even benefit a child.
like someone else said, just be confident with it.
your childs needs are met, what more could they ask for?

Hi, I agree with what others have said. My DD2 (nearly 12) has never met her dad. She always knew she was different to her sister, who has regular contact with her dad, but accepts it as normal. DD2 is a really lovely girl and I don't think she has missed out on having a father figure. She has plenty of good male role models around her, my dad, my step-dad, BIL and DD1s dad is very good to her. I suppose we are very lucky.

My advice is to be as honest as you can with your DS, don't say bad things about his father (even if you do think them/they are true!). Answer all of his questions as he grows up, give him lots of love and cuddles and there shouldn't be a problem.

Good luck x

my daughter has only ever known not having a father. She is 16 now,i met dp when she was 12 and we've gone on to have her sister and brother together. I believe for her,it was better to be all my world than half here half with him (he was a cunt by the way of highest order) she hasn't missed out imo.
she has always had stability is the main thing,it has always been me and her,we only moved house once,she stayed at the same school etc etc.
she's a really lovely girl and now has a good relationship with dp. her father is class prannock,he made moves to meet us a few years ago,we went,she couldn't believe the way he behaved to her.

it's so reassuring to hear from other people who have raised a child totally without the father.

nice to know that there are healthy children out there who grew up in similar circumstances.

can feel like you're the only one.

It all depends on how you approach it. the simple answer, as we all know is that the healthiest environment is to be brought up in a loving home with two parents who also respect each other, however we also know that is rare.

I think the short answer is that as long as your ds is loved and cared for, and a huge benefit is having close consistent male role models - grandfather, uncle etc, then the impact is less.

I've raised mine without a dad and although they have felt the loss of a father, realistically what they miss is 'male' rather than their biological father.

see i don't know if i even agree with that 'simple answer'. we're certainly trained to believe it.

i'm sure there are brilliant ways to bring up children that don't fit that mold but this society has chosen the isolated nuclear family living in a unit each because it fits capitalism best.

ideals that don't take into account real people, real circumstances and social realities are just theories with no backbone.

poverty, abuse, neglect and lack of loving intelligence are what hurt children. not the number of adults living under one roof.

be confident - given the circumstances we are there rock solid for our children and have become tiger mummies standing against the world if needed to protect our young and our right to raise them and enjoy them and not feel like we're doing something wrong for having loved and stood by them. they've found out early that the world isn't made up of social norms and peter and jane story books, that love and family comes in all different shapes and sizes and it's ok. our daughters will hopefully not live in fear putting up with an abusive partner because they're scared to do it alone. our sons will know women should be strong and independent and respected as being strong, competent people who can stand alone.

no harm.

believe in the good stuff.

and apologies for the waffle

DS has also never known his father. His situation was different in some ways though as I left exP due to DV - I think it's more positive that I chose to leave so he doesn't feel abandoned.

I've never felt that he misses a male role model, in many ways I was lucky as I was a teenager when I had him and my parents helped out a lot with childcare. So he's grown up with his grandfather and uncle around and he feels like part of a big extended family, rather than just the two of us.

I don't agree with only saying good things about his father though, I think it's important for them to have a realistic view of what they are like and not allow them to build them up in their head as they could be disappointed or even exploited in future.

i agree cloudy. my son's father chose never to see or support his own child because i didn't want to stay in a relationship with him. how do i paint that positively?

his father is one of those men who can know they have a child out there and not be bothered. that's not positive and to tell my son it was would be wrong.

the tricky thing is that he has gone on to get married and have other children. so i can't even say oh he didn't want to be a dad/wasn't ready etc because within a year he'd gotten someone else pregnant and gone on to be a father and reaffirmed his position of not wanting to see my son when i got in touch with him for the last time encouraging him to.

i worry how that will feel for my son and whether i'm meant to tell him that he does in fact have half siblings out there. what an awful thing to know! i want to shelter him from it as long as possible i think. there is no way any of them can have a relationship as children without him allowing it (and he's made clear he wants nothing to do with ds) so it would just be fruitless knowledge that could torture him with child like fantasies about this family out there

god he's an arsehole really isn't he? and it's my job to raise my son and somehow get him through the consequences of this man's actions without being too hurt.

bit of a rant here but i was amazed that he could have another child and hold it in his arms as his 'firstborn' and not have a gob smacking moment of knowing this isn't my first child, i have a little boy out there i've never seen.

for my part it's great really that he stays away but for my son it's a bit sad in theory of losing a father - but in losing this man in reality he is probably blessed.

I'm in the same boat and don't agree that the healthiest approach is two parents, children need to be loved, nurtured, valued and cared about and for. Its difficult to explain to her at times why she doesn't see her father but she is safe and secure, a happy, confident and sociable little girl. I think like others have said it is good if you have other male role models you can use!! I'm lucky that I have two brothers who adore my dd and my dad is very good with her as well.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan how old is your son?

Thank you everyone for the replies to this thread.

It's been really helpful to see the positive attitudes and experiences.

Santa - I get what you mean. I know I am mourning the 'father' my son will not have but by no means the actual man his father is.

I know that he is not the kind of role model my son needs. I am grateful that the drama he'd bring is missing :)

The other question is simply what do I tell him?

It is difficult to answer that question as everyones situation is slightly different, I tend to focus on what my dd has rather than what she hasn't iyswim? So she has a mummy who loves her very much and a nanny and grandad etc, some daddies don't want to be daddies and it feels sad is also something Ive said. I think its important to let them know it is o.kay for them to feel sad/ cross/ confused as mummy feels those things as well at times. I have a book that I got off amazon called 'do I have a daddy?' which is good as a conversation starter if nothing else. Also letting him know it is okay to talk about it i think is important, good luck xxx