Anyone have any idea about whats reasonable access for a Father to visit his 3 yr son who lives about 150 miles away?

[Redfox]

I am a member but don?t post but read everyone else?s messages avidly.

My DS is 3 and a half, and his father, my ex left us last year now. Things have been rubbish between us however he has seen our DS and son has had overnight stays. In about a month I am moving to be nearer my family about 150 miles away

Anyone have any idea what constitutes reasonable access for a Father to visit his 3 year old son who lives about 150 miles away? I know that many factors are involved, previous contact, maintenance payments and if Father was present at the child?s birth (ex was)

Ex has stated that he wants to have DS every other weekend on Friday evening and then drive to his parents (DS grandparents) - about 95 miles away as they are nearer and return him every Sunday evening.

I feel that every other weekend is too excessive for a 3 year old to endure a 2 hour journey. Also access should be the Father for him as a Father to build a relationship with his son and not access for the grandparents (and I am not denying them visiting rights)

I feel that ex can visit his son every other weekend and spend the day with him and then every 6 - 8 weeks or so ex can have DS for a long weekend and they go to his home or stay with his grandparent. I am prepared as DS gets older to increase the weekends and during holidays. I feel I am being generous and reasonable and not denying DS?s Dad access or even the paternal grandparents access.

I dont know how we are going to reslove this and I dont want to go to court. Anyone have any views or personal experience/insight?

I am not in this situation so can not imagine the emotional side of this but FWIW I would have no problem with the altenate weekend access as I don;t think the drive is too arduous for a 3 year old --- especally if there is a DVD player on!!

I think it is important he spends a lot of time with his Dad and his grandparents and builds a relationship with them as early as possible especially as they live so far away and can not just pop round to see him...

He does sound like a good Dad... let him have the tinme with his son...

Message withdrawn

No personal experience but what you're suggesting sounds about right. It's a very long journey for such a young child.

I suspect that your ex may find it impractical after a couple of months as well.

whats the problem with dp taking his son to his parents house? Do you feel that gps will take over on the care front and ex wont build a proper relationship with his son? Why cant he take his son back to his own house in that case?

How often does ex see his son atm? If they have a good relationship and he knows hsi dad well then I dont see a problem with fortnightly access.

Not sure that a 2 hour car journey is too much tbh esp if its on a Friday/Sunday evening and he can sleep in the car (I presume that we are talking about a car journey here). but I do think that getting ex to travel 4 hours to spend a few hours with his son every second weekend might restricting for both of them in building a relationship with each other.

Hi Redfox . My dh went to Court to get to see his dd, who lives an hour and a half away (sometimes more depending on traffic. The Court ordered contact from 6pm Fri to 6pm Sun every 3rd weekend, a week at Christmas, a week at Easter, two separate weeks in the summer holidays and half of every half term. He would see her more if he could and has never missed a visit. She was 4 at the time.

She would normally sleep on journeys, or listen to story tapes and the journey never seemed to be a problem for her. Having said that though, my dd is 2.5 and I can totally see your point about the journey.

He did have day visits initially and we found them quite difficult, especially as it was on a Sunday in the winter. He would take her swimming, to the pantomime, cinema, etc so that she was amused and warm, and he very often used to end up in a pub with a play area as it was better than Macdonalds. It really wasn't the best way of dh and his dd having a relationship, and I felt it was much better and much more "normal" once she started coming to stay. DH's x accused him of spoiling her and trying to buy her on the day trips, but he really had no choice as going to the park in December for 8 hours would not have been an option. He didn't want to be the "goodie" who gave her all the treats and it was much better when she started having staying contact.

If you can possibly do so, avoid going to Court. It really isn't pleasant for anyone involved and as far as I could see it only served to polarise dh and his x even further. Has your x told you what sort of contact he would like? How are things between you? Could you find a compromise that you would both be happy with? Maybe you could talk to him and explain that you're worried about the travelling and could you start with what you're suggesting and build it up. And make it clear to him that you're not denying him contact but want to work out what is going to be best for your ds.

My only other comment would be to try to put yourself in your x's shoes, and consider how you would feel if you could only see your ds for a day every other weekend.

Good luck with the move, I hope you can work something out without going to Court.

my friend's daughter sees her dad one weekend a month and they live about 3 hours apart. However, he is pushed into this as he seems reluctant to commit himself sometimes and appears not to want her too much.

If he is keen and a good dad then I think 2 weekends a month is fair.

Dh has his 2 to stay once a month, and visists them once a month for the day. They live about 2 hrs away. We did have them every other weekend, but they are older and less interested now!!

I think you should let him see your son when he can, at least their relationship will continue. Hopefully your son will be excited about seeing him, so this would make the journey less of an issue.

My friend has the opposite problem- - her ex sees the children for 3 hours, once a month, in a contact centre. They have little relationship with their dad.

I don't think what your ex is suggesting is unreasonable. Think for a 3.5 yo a 2 hour journey is OK. Agree with other suggestions about evening travel in pjs, or story CDs etc. We do this when we visit my parents - bath, pjs (milk for DD) and then into the car for the 1.5 hour journey and home and into bed. Maybe you could compromise at every third weekend with a day visit in between if ex desires?

I worked until recently in a contact centre and it is tragic for the children to have to see their parent in that situation. My plea to you is, don't think about this from any other point of view than your son's. How WONDERFUL for him if he can have a close loving bond with his dad and grandparents. He'll need them more and more as he gets older. The self esteem he will gain from being able to talk about his Dad when he goes to school will be surprising to you. A car journey for a couple of hours - it's nothing to him. He won't even remember these journeys when he's older. He'll just remember the fact that Dad came, Dad took him and Dad wanted to spend time with him. Grandparents too, the more the merrier - can a two year old boy have too many loving family members? Please give your son the opportunity.

I'm with the last poster on this one. Your LO is so lucky to have a Dad who wants to be with him, and GP's are a blessing too. I know it will be hard for you when he goes away, but if you're concerned about the journey etc can you agree for a 2 month trial of the arrangement, but be honest with yourself and if it works don't end it because of how trotten you feel!. Can you sign up to do something / meet friends or something to help you adjust to this?

Thank you for all your helpful comments and experiences. Things are not good between myself & ex at the moment and we actually had our first mediation session yesterday regarding this and nothing was resolved. So we have booked another session before I move.

I am trying not to let my resentment cloud me as I know little boys need their Dads. Ds does know his paternal gds which is good, also ex wants to spend weekends with the gps as they live geographically nearer than ex?s house. And I suppose I am resentful as I feel that gps will take over on the care side and spoil DS rotten! Ex has an older sister who still lives at home with no friends (she is only 39) and the three of them come altogether as a package and I feel indulge DS too much. I hope that does not make me appear too sour grapes

Two things concern me, whether ex can sustain such a rigid routine, and practically a 400 mile round trip every other weekend will be exhausting. When does DS see my parents and the rest of my family?

I know one of us will have to compromise and I will suggest that we build it up as suggested rather than going from nothing to spending every other weekend with his dad and suggest ex has DS every 4 - 6 weekend for a while and increase it up when DS is a little older. Does that sound reasonable?

Every 4th with a build up sounds reasonable, as you say your parents and family need time too. Perhaps he could arange to visit also during that month (a month is a long time for a child that young), and then they go away once a month?

Well done for being the one to compromise: that's an important step and one your son will thank you for, I am sure.

Redfox - I could have written your thread myself!

I will be in exactly the same position soon when I move closer to my family for support - 4 hours away (170 miles). You seem to be more understanding than me though. I have done this horrid journey a few times with my dd's and if timed wrong can end you up stuck in traffic for ages, or even on a straightforward journey has taken 5 1/2 hours some times with essential stops etc. Personally I think this is unacceptable. My xdh wants every other weekend and one of them overnight stays - I'm happy with the every other weekend but not the overnight stays because of the distance. (dd's are 3 and 1) - he would pick up at 4pm Fri and that means they don't get to his parents till at least 8/9/10pm?, so straight to bed (usually in bed at 6pm). All day with them saturday. Then he would have to leave by 11/12 Sunday to have them back in time for me to settle eldest ready for pre-school Monday. I think like you - that's at least 8 hours travelling time that he could be spending with them doing something more fun rather than sitting in a car - he won't do a lot of communicating! I'm sorry but I must be the only one who thinks this is too much for them??!!

My dh doesn't have overnight stays at mo - previous visits (by choice) he spent max 1 and half hours with them supervised (he gets bored easily, doesn't know how to entertain them!). This has now progressed to 4 hours unsupervised on weekend. So from this to whole weekends is totally unrealistic I feel - something that should be built up in slow time.

I'd rather not go to Court either, but he is playing such silly "b's" that I think I'll end up there and one of us is going to end up hurt! Probably me knowing my luck at the minute!

Loulounz, please don't go to court. Keep communicating. The only person you hurt by going to court is your child.
And don't forget your own responsibility in this. It is your choice to move so far away. Though of course I understand you want support, your child simply needs her mum and dad and you have a responsibility to make that possible for her.
Court is not a magic answer. You MAY get nearer what you want, or you may not. Once you go down that road you hand over decision making responsibility about YOUR child to another person. I've seen people unbelievably distressed because the judge has ordered what they don't agree with. Please do it between you. Your child will love the fact that mum and dad think enough of her to talk about her. You have to put aside your adult concerns and annoyances - think about whether it matters to your child; if it doesn't don't let it matter to you.
If you 'protect' your child from these 'arduous' journeys all you are doing is stopping them having a real bond with their other, valuable family members.

Dexter - tried to speak to him today. Told him I need enough money from him to set up another home (most of equity in this property) and he can keep the rest. He told me that was for a Court to decide and that I was being unreasonable and that no way would he agree or a court agree! That 50/50 was more likely etc - few more words and then he told me he had to do what was best for HIM!!!!! No mention of doing what is right for the children! He originally promised us nearly everything and has now retracted this!

We haven't even gone through any other channels yet and he's already arranging for court proceedings! So what can I do - I have NO choice - agree with him on what HE thinks he will give me or go to Court?!

The reality of it is:

• he wants the house and doesn't give a toss that we will have to go into rented.

• he has stopped paying my bills, so I have to find some money from somewhere.

• he has run up debt so he can plead poverty.

• he wants access to his dd's and only wants to pay maintenance for them, nothing else - no other provisions, no responsibilities etc.

Sorry but is he a complete w@nker or what?! I'm embarrassed to call him the father of my children - BIG MISTAKE on my part marrying him.

God, I can see how difficult this must be for you. I suppose all I can say that might be some support is that obviously with the adult stuff like housing, ,money, whatever - you must of course look out for yourself and your children through whatever channels you can. I still feel though that none of this matters to your children - for good or bad, he is their dad. Don't feel he doesn't deserve to see them for whatever reason, try and always see it from their point of view. If he comes to get them, they're not thinking 'has he paid mum maintenance today?' they're just feeling secure and loved because Dad is still about.

You and he have the luxury of feeling p*ed off with eachother but your children will always now have to find the maturity to deal with both of you, all their lives.

I guess from your point of view, if you ALWAYS make contact with their dad genuinely available to them, no matter what he does to you, then at the end of the day when you go to sleep your conscience will be clear - you will have had (yet another) day of doing all you could to help your children grow up undamaged (as far as poss) by your split. And yes, it's a shame it all comes down on you, but that's the story of motherhood don't you think!!! Good luck, I'm thinking of you X

I haven't read the thread, only your first post but tbh I think every other weekend IS reasonable. I left ex h when ds was 2 and they've spent every other weekend together ever since - ds is 8 on Monday. So that's nearly 6 years of every other weekend. Ex dh and I now live 150 miles apart but until 2 years ago were more like 300 miles apart and we used to meet in the middle to hand over ds. We've stayed friends though and it's all amicable (it wasn't to start with) but I've always thought every other weekend was reasonable and fair.

hi ive been through all this and its usually considered acceptable to offer the absent parent every other weekend, with you both splitting the holidays and alternating xmas and new year, however with quite a young child, they usually suggest that the contact starts out gradually with perhaps just a day, before building to overnight stays.

I cannot believe that if your ex WANTS to spend time with his son and is willing to make a long drive like that, that you would even consider denying that. The idea that 2 hours is too long in the car for a 3 year old is ridiculous. Time it so that he can sleep during the journey.
Children NEED their fathers. I have watched my dh's ex deny him over and over visitation to his children and they (the children) have been totally and irreperably (sp?) damaged by it. It makes me sooo angry. Let your son have a father even if you don't want to be with the man. Your son is not a posession to be used as a tool to control your ex.

I think he is being really reasonable, I'm afraid. Two hours isn't that long and as Sofia says, he can sleep in the car. He clearly loves his son and is a committed father. He will miss him dreadfully after he moves, I imagine. Every other weekend is standard, basic contact. Imagine if you were expected to see your child for only a few hours every fortnight. It would be awful.
As for seeing your family, well, you live really near them, don't you? So at the other weekends, during the week, anytime really!

And don't go to court. It is horrible. And I do know what I'm talking about.