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Cutting Contact

15 replies

gingercrls · 14/12/2010 23:13

I really don't want to see, hear from or speak to my soon to be xh ever again after what he has put us through over the last 16 months.

But with a dd involved, and contact, I have to see his ugly mug every 2 weeks. Anyone else feel like this?

I tried to be amicable but I've realized he is a nasty piece of work and will try no more. He wants dd to meet ow, even though she does not want to (she is almost 9). Fortunately, I think I am in a position to just ignore this request for now (they have not been together long anyway). He lives 3 hours away and only sees dd every second weekend from 10am to 5pm (14 pathetic hours a month). A couple of emails to her inbetween time and that's it. No parenting. I am left to sort everything.

At this point, I feel like I really hate him. I don't know how any person could put another person through what he has done to us - and he says I am the mental one.

I feel like cutting all contact will really help me move on but you can't when you have kids can you. Grrrrr.

OP posts:
amberleaf · 15/12/2010 02:12

It will get better...but only if you rise above it and dont allow yourself to be held back by hating him, i know that sounds hard now, ive been in your position-just grit your teeth and be the better person for your daughters sake, dont let her see how you feel and do your utmost to be positive about her dad in front of her,.

You wont be truely free of him if you hate him.

Sorry if that sounds lecturish but its late im tired but didnt want to leave your post unanswered.


amberleaf · 15/12/2010 02:14

Smile is what i meant

MrManager · 15/12/2010 02:24

Maybe you are the mental one. You can only see your side. He gets 14 hours of contact a month and then you complain because he's not doing any parenting? What exactly can he do? You want to cut all contact, so if he rings/calls you won't be happy.

Catchthewind · 15/12/2010 06:40

MrManager, how unhelpful.

We don't know the full story. It sounds as though he chooses to have minimal contact - else why would OP be fed up about it?

I think there can often be a conflict in these circumstances.

There is resentment about the absent parent not doing enough, then when they do make an appearance this resentment has to be dealt with. No one wants to see someone they hate - even if they hate them for not being around enough.

OP, I think you might benefit from some counselling - it took me several years from being in your position, and I did cut contact for a few weeks, and after that my child's father refused to continue with it...he kept putting it off and eventually it became clear it wasn't going to happen.

However after an initial period of maybe a year or two when I was living out my anger at him, my fury for his deserting us, I started to realise I was grateful that he had gone - I had hated the awful atmosphere and pain of contact, because I still loved and wanted him in our lives. I hated him being around because I was so hurt and angry - on behalf of ds as well as myself. It was a struggle to cope, but once I let go of the resentment and started to work on myself, and had some therapy, and looked at why we had broken up - and our faults and how they had manifested - I could see it from his side as well. I realised being alone quite suited my own needs.

The real catalyst to happiness though was meeting him again after several years and finding that we could talk and be friends - I apologised for my part in it, I told him I understood why he had gone. There was crying and hugging and acceptance. And that was major, that I finally got why he had done it. We began to meet regularly, he has decided to be involved again, and we are seeing each other as well in a casual sort of way.

I feel so happy, that finally we are being parents to our child and getting on in a way we all want. I could never have been like this a few years ago, but I have changed, and so has he a bit (without the counselling!) but the main thing is we sorted it out between us.

I don't think this would be possible if we hadn't been so close originally. there are people I don't think I could ever be friendly with again, or agree with about children - but if you can, then do it. It's so worth it.

Fwiw from someone who is 3 hours away, keeping regular contact like he does plus the emails sounds a lot more committed to your daughter than a lot of dads are to their kids. Try and organise your own feelings, maybe write them down, figure out why you are angry. It will help you I think.

WADA · 15/12/2010 06:56

Whoa MrManager a tad harsh don't you think? It looks as though OP is looking for some support and a discussion about how and why she feels the way she does. If OP was new to this forum your comment could put her off posting again. Incidentally if you read the last para she makes it obvious that she's not going to cut contact because of the interests of her dd. Posting that perhaps she is the mental one is not a cool thing to do IMO.

gingercrls · 15/12/2010 08:20

MrManager - my soon to be xh chooses to have only 14 hours a month contact with his daughter. This only started happening from September because before that, he was only seeing her once every 6/7 weeks from 10am to 5pm. I am the one looking to him and constantly asking him to see her, email her or have phone contact (which he agrees to and then does not stick to). I am the one making sure she is warm, fed, looked after on daily basis and seeing to all of her needs as well as her emotional needs when she cries for him. So yes, I only see my side which is the side putting my daughter first and if I am the mental one as you seem to think, it is because he has made me so.

Everyone else, thanks for your comments. I know it will get easier - I do hope it gets better shortly. I do want my dd to know her dad and prior to us splitting he really worshiped the ground she walked on but was never very involved in doing things with her, taking her places on his own. So in that regard, I am pleased that she gets his full attention and outings with him.

The trouble is, he has not been honest with me and does not make the situation any easier. He has left me with major debts to sort out and does nothing to contribute towards those. There is a major back story to how he left, which was a completely bizarre experience. If there had been a little honesty (he even moved address and didn't let me know and started seeing OW without letting me know which is something I had asked him to do should the situation happen) and some sit down discussion I feel like I could handle things better but he is a major non communicator who runs away from problems and who buries his head in the sand and pretends that things aren't happening which is a family trait. He has a sister who committed suicide, and 2 siblings with bi-polar depression and I thought he was the only normal one of the bunch. He says he loves me but it's not enough (that after 14 years together). I am just fed up beyond belief at what has gone on and I really do hope things get better. It's helpful to know that people feel the same and how they got through it.

I just feel that if I didn't have to see him for a long period of time I could deal with my feelings but seeing him brings it all flooding back and I just end up feeling so angry at my circumstances. I know it's not an option though, because of my dd so thanks for comments on how to cope with that. I will grit my teeth as suggested :) We were close, we even worked together. He never went out, we didn't spend time apart. So It's also tough loosing the person you thought was your best friend.

OP posts:
WADA · 15/12/2010 08:30

I think the gritting of teeth is something we are all going have to learn to live with (I think I'll find it difficult too) but I think in conjunction with this we can work on ourselves and if we do, then perhaps things can be a little easier. In my case I lost what is known as my sense of self. Basically I kind of forgot who I was and with that came a difficulty in knowing what I want and allowed me to be bullied into doing things I didn't want to do. I have been and continue to work on this and although my external circumstances are pretty dire, I feel pretty strong in my head. Don't get me wrong (and this will sound contradictory) I am scared witless of the future and how I will manage lone parenting, finances, accommodation, working and loneliness but I have an inner strength raging through me which tells me I'll ultimately be OK. If you're a reader gingercrls perhaps have a look at some books and try and empower yourself. I hope that doesn't sound too kooky but I think there is something in looking after one's inner self.

gingercrls · 15/12/2010 09:11

I know exactly what you mean about loosing your sense of self. I've been feeling the same way but I guess having your future, or the future you thought you had ripped from you does that to you.

It's funny, I ran my own business, which xh ultimately joined and which we sold 2 years ago and was more than capable but since he left I feel like I can't do anything and also feel scared for the future, worried about finances, accommodation etc. which is stupid as I did it all before. I think you are right though, it is about getting to a point where you feel strong in the head.

I'm feeling better today actually. I just wish I could feel like this all of the time, but I definitely have ups and downs. I'm trying to re-arrange things in the house at the moment and put my own stamp on the place just to feel like it's mine and not ours.

OP posts:
Catchthewind · 15/12/2010 09:36

From what you say, yes, things went wrong between you, but you have to let it go. You sound quite bitter - he left you without the future you had planned, he left you with debts (well that's awful, I agree) and he doesn't do much for your child.

However - you can't keep feeling bitter about this stuff. It happened, it's not going to disappear, it's just how things turned out.

Looking to this man as solely responsible for how your life has turned out is really unhealthy - it isn't going to do you any favours. I'm sure when he got together with you he didn't expect things to go wrong either. But they did - and it always is a game of two halves. He isn't 100% responsibe for it, and once you can manage to accept this and work through it, you will feel so much better.

I figured out mine was afraid of commitment, and that's something he can't help, so I work around it - but I understand why he went, and that means we can get on alright.

I was bitter for a while but then it dawned on me I was acting like a child, abandoned, a victim without any say in what happened in my life - and I looked at my own part in him leaving and saw what had gone wrong. I took responsibility - we both did - and that's sorted it out. No bitterness, no anger.

It can take a while though. But look at your words - it's all about blame. You have to let it go.

Catchthewind · 15/12/2010 09:42

What I mean is you will never get past it if you hold on to blame.

He sounds a lot like mine. Lied about where he was living, about his new partner, about where he took ds. He ran away the whole time.

Then I started to understand why he did this.

He was just scared of me!

It did make me angry at first, then I saw where it had all come from and I understood why he had started running away from me. The more I chased him, the more he ran.

I never chase him now, and he doens't run. But then I don't need him any more - I have myself, my children, my own life. I'm a person without him. My life is my life because I made it this way, I got things right, fucked up, made right and wrong choices. He didn't rip away my future - it was never there in the first place.

Do you see what I am trying to say? I don't know if it helps but I hope so.

MitchyInge · 15/12/2010 09:47

Can you organise the contact through a third party, mother in law for example, to make things easier for you?

What really matters now is your child's right to a relationship with her dad.

gingercrls · 15/12/2010 12:50

I do know what you mean but there is a lot to the story and to our marriage which is why I blame him I guess. And I agree that that is probably unhealthy. I feel really let down. And it doesn't help that he won't talk about anything. Literally won't talk. When I tried to have discussions with him when we had a short six month reconciliaton about things he would just sit there and stare into space and not answer. Just really ridiculous bahavior. Totally immature.

My child wants a relationship with her dad and I want her to have it definitely. I'm not trying to stop it. Unfortunately I'm a bit cut off from everyone where I live so there is no one to facilitate contact, just me (basically had moved from here 2 years ago to emmigrate to canada where the relationship broke down unexpectedly). We had tenants in this house, so we could not come back here and so rented for six months together and eventually I asked him to leave because I couldn't cope with his behavior - ((sleeping till 3 in the afternoon and then on the computer until time for bed (and I have now found out he was interacting with women online and there was me stupidly thinking he was watching music videos!!), refusal to work, refusal to interact with anyone). I had to move back to this house when the tenants moved out which is miles from my family and any support network due to financial reasons. So here I am, stuck in the marital home, somewhere I don't want to be and rather than move nearby to help out, which he was in a position to do - he begins a relationship with a woman who is also married but separated who has not one but 2 children, who see my husband more than his own daughter, so decides to move near to her (and I feel they are living together now).

Its all just complicated. And I want to be in a better place where I am not so angry, I wish I had a switch off button. I know that I have a future and things will get better but just for now, it all pretty much sucks.

OP posts:
Catchthewind · 15/12/2010 13:16

It sounds as though you are totally isolated and he is the only person you really have much to do with. So it isn't surprising he seems so important.

The thing is, hes not. He's just a bloke, yes he's dd's father. But he's a bloke. And he isn't your problem.

If he lets her down, that is his lookout - you can't make him behave better. You can have no control over this situation - or over him - only over yourself and your own attitude.

First thing to do, if you can, is look at moving. You need to speak to and be around normal people, not just this idiot. The bigger your life apart from him, the smaller he will get till he isn't a threat at all any more.

I imagine you are doing a fantastic job with your dd, that's the main thing, she has a parent who shows love and commitment and is there for her.

Don't waste your energy worrying about him. However relevant he seems now, he isn't that important. He's a twit Smile

So ignore. You are not to blame for him. Expect nothing and just get on with your lives, you and dd, as a family.

gingercrls · 15/12/2010 14:13

Thanks Catchthewind. You are right. Will try! ;)

OP posts:
hariboegg · 16/12/2010 13:38

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