For those with crap x's - how much access do they get?

[loulounz]

How much access do you give your crap X?

Do you let your children stay over night and at what point did you let them stay over?

Was your access sorted through the Courts?

Mine is really trying to "F" me up with finances etc. at the minute and I know what's coming - more access to dd's. NOT ready for him to take them for longer than he does or let them stay over, but will a Judge rule against me?????

Any advice please?

[RainbowWalker]

Hi, my ex has 2 nights a fortnight Fri/Sat on alternate weekends(when he can fit the children into his hectic social calendar) sometimes it's just the sat night as he's "busy" on the friday...

Took a while to settle on this though (over a year) as there's 4 children involved and I wasn't happy about giving him and his girlfriend the two youngest for ages... (twins that were still only one when he moved out) so it was a very awkward time of him coming to the house to "play" happy families all day sat and sun while his girlfriend presumably twiddled her thumbs all day waiting for him tocome back!

Bizrre situation and can't believe we did that now looking back but with children you just have to do the best you can with as little animosity as possible don't you?

[Aimsmum]

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[loulounz]

Thank you both for your comments.

My dd's are 3 and 1.

He's a selfish coward - he can't speak to me, he texts! And if he does speak to me it is always about him and what he needs, so no we can't agree on anything at the minute, so I'm sure it will end up in Court.

I'm so scared that he convinces the Court I'm trying to stop him from seeing the dd's - which I can honestly say I'm not, it's just taking me a while to get used to this whole situation and he originally said he would take things slowly and work at my pace. But every time he doesn't like something he takes it out on me. I HATE HIM.

I really wish I had an x that just walked away and left us too it!

Every time I begin to feel positive and strong, he knocks me back down.

I just can't stop crying at the minute, he's such a pig.

[essbee]

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[loulounz]

Thank you both for your comments.

My dd's are 3 and 1.

He's a selfish coward - he can't speak to me, he texts! And if he does speak to me it is always about him and what he needs, so no we can't agree on anything at the minute, so I'm sure it will end up in Court.

I'm so scared that he convinces the Court I'm trying to stop him from seeing the dd's and grant him more access - which I can honestly say I'm not, it's just taking me a while to get used to this whole situation and he originally said he would take things slowly and work at my pace. But every time he doesn't like something he takes it out on me. I HATE HIM.

I really wish I had an x that just walked away and left us too it!

Every time I begin to feel positive and strong, he knocks me back down.

I just can't stop crying at the minute, he's such a pig.

[loulounz]

Sorry about the double entry - crying too much!

[essbee]

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[lilibet]

he has the children every Thursday ngiht between 6 and 8.30 and should have them every other weekend from 9.30 Saturday morning to 6pm Sunday night. But Ds1(12) goes to football on a Sunday afternoon and he won't take him, so we get ds1 back for the Sunday afternoon. DD only finishes college at 6 on a thursday so can't see him then and has a SAturday job, so that rules that out and he refuses to coem and pick her up on a Sunday.

A few years back I rang him and said "would you like to see the Children on Christmas day in the afternoon?"

His answer "It's a Friday, I don't see them on Fridays"

FFS!!!

He refuses to have any 'extra' time with them at all, will not have days off in the school holidays, or if one of 'his' weekends falls on a bank holiday won't have themthe exra day.

And the best one ever was on the Christmas eve when just before he dropped them off he told the boys then 10 and 6, that he was never going to see them again as he would rather not see them at all than just once or twice a week - que hysterics from them both on Christmas EVE and then the Bastard denied ever saying it!!!!!!!! Poor ds1 kept saying "We can't both have imagined it can we?"

Bastard, bastard, bastard

My poor key board, I've bashed it so hard typing that!

[essbee]

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[lilibet]

Just read your post and am so sorry that you are gtting upset over this, Listen to Essbee, she's the queen of crap ex's!

It will get better, you will get stronger as time goes on

[essbee]

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[lilibet]

I'm on the wrong side of quite a bit of wine and have jsut poured a whiskey!!

but I'm a happy drunk!!

[lilibet]

anyhow,have oyu seen asolicitor? you really must, many of them do a first appointment for free and you can trawl round loads getting free advice if you hace the time.

[essbee]

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[essbee]

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[lilibet]

But wehre would you stick the first pin??

{evil laugh emoticon!]

[essbee]

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[fairyfly]

As much as he wants... none

[dweebusdad]

Loulounz
I had loads of bother with ex when first split. After not bothering with kids for a while she went into a panic and wanted loads of access while divorce was going on. Admittedly I was really awkward as I knew she was really scared about how it looked for her as went for several months missing arranged visits without getting in touch. Eventually judge gave her Sunday afternoons and half of main holidays, Sundays are very irregular and holidays don't happen. It did take a lot of getting used to - too much drink and drugs round kids in the early days for my liking. Things do settle down eventually though, so just put the kids first - some crappy ex's just sort of fade away.

[loulounz]

Thanks for your help.

Voodoo dolls and just "fading away" sound great! Wont happen soon enough though!

W@nker is playing bully boy tactics at min - wants me out of house, he wants to move back in and is refusing to pay my bills now. What sort of a father is that? Where does he think I will go and how will I manage as I am financially dependant on him!!

Feel like stopping access altogether, but am going to call his bluff and not do this as that is what he thinks I will do!!!

Where can I buy the voodoo doll?

[dillydally]

My ex has moved from carp to useless - a big promotion in my eyes
he pays every month and has even upped his contribution to more accurately reflect the costs of raising a child in london - which is good news
He used to live 250 miles away and we arranged every third week, he would have a visit on a weekend
Now he has moved closer and is asking for more

I dont have a problem with more access in theory, but I have two problems;
a) DD is 2 and gets hysterical when she sees him at the mo, he erecently did a week with her and she coped well for the first two days and ever since then has refused to be left with him
b) he is useless as a afther, he is well intentioned, but has no experience of children and frequently ignores / forgets basic instructions re nappy changing, feeding her, her sleep time routine etc

There are two schools of thought. The first is that I have to give more access to him now to encourage DD to get over her issues and to bring him up to speed. The downside of this is as a full time working single mum, I resent giving up the two days a week i spend with her to teach him how to be a dad when my other attempts have fallen on concrete slabs and also I would have to spend time with him - and I loathe him and I have a feeling we will disagree on how to bring her up re discipline, education etc
The second school of thought is to go at the pace that my DD wants and this is the option i prefer. Whilst ex is and always will be her dad the core of my family unit is myself and DD - not him. I need to promote stability for us in the core and hopefully he will be involved. I have seen too much 50:50 parenting go so wrong, especially when new partners get involved, children grow up to have a life of their own, two parents disagreeing on family values and it is to the detriment of the child.

Lots of people on Mumsnet disagree with me on this and think that 50:50 parenting can work. i agree it can in some situations but the two parties have to be very close (geographically and also emotionally and directionally regarding parenting) and also it helps if the family is more mature in age with not young kids and less chance of new babies popping along etc.

A very long and probably unhelpful post but there you go.

[Kelly1978]

Hi loulounx,

I feel for you, I've been through all that. My ex was a total sh*t. He wouldn't let em stay in our rented property, so I went into a refuge with dd (pg with ds) til the council rehomed me. Access took forever to sort out, and exp was never really interested in the kids at all - jsut trying to exert control over me.

It sounds a bit like your x is tryign to do the same. My advice would be to get yourself sorted, so you aren't relying on him financially. If you are living alone, you are entitled to income support, and can pay your own bills. Get maintanence sorted, so he is makign regular payments.

Don't text him if you don't want to. If you are happy wiht existing access arrangements, then make sure they are regular and leave it at that. Agree to review the situation in 3/6 mnths time. Eventually, you are going to have to let him have them overnight if there is no compelling reason why he shouldn't, but you can ask to build up to that.

If he isn't happy with the amount of access he is getting, then it is up to him to see a solicitor. It is very unlikely to go to court. Normally agreements are drawn up betwen solicitors. If that doesn't work, then you cna be referred for mediation. Court is a final step where all other attempts to reach agreement have failed.

My x saw the children 3 times a fortnight, supervised at first, then at his mothers, then alone. Eventually he had them overnight and had them every other weekend. I didn't like it much, but at least it was built up gradually. It was all sorted through solicitors, so I didn't have to arrange it with him directly. We didn't get on at all, so that was for the best.

Eventually I moved away, and since then he hasn't bothered. He jsut resented me havign the children, and having the say over where they went. He would make demands to get at me. It had been an abusive relationship anyway. Once I mvoed away and he lost all control, he didn't bother any more. Sad, really.

sorry about the very long post, I hope some of it might be helpful to you. x x

[loulounz]

Thanks dillydally and Kelly1978 - my xdh sounds a mixture of both your x's! and it's a nice change to hear someone with the same views as myself! I do get a bit hurt and upset with some of the comments on here about how a father's rights shouldn't be denied etc - but why do we have to put up with all the sh't from them? They will never learn anything until the laws are tightened to stop them taking the "p"! Why should they have rights when they won't support their children, or accept any of the responsibilities that go along with that?

I too want to put my dd's first and take things slowly with access but he has this "control" thing too and although I know he must love them I'm sure it's more to do with hurting me! Can't understand why because he's the one that left me!

My eldest dd hasn't slept through the night since he left because of his erratic visits, but now I have put my foot down to once every two weeks she is beginning to settle a bit more, although after his visits she is horrendous - awake for hours playing me up before she goes to sleep, awake several times a night and bedwets and has nightmares occasionally. Then it settles again until the next time! So I don't see that rushing into things is in her best interests! I just hope that a court sees it that way and doesn't just think of HIS rights!

As for Court being last resort - we haven't even gone through the various stages yet - he's mega p'd off that I'm still in this house (refuge sounds very tempting!) and WANTS it to go to court! Probably means one of us will be very disappointed! - no doubt me knowing my luck at the minute!

Why can't they just be civil? He's turned really nasty because he isn't getting his own way! Tried to talk to him today, but he told me that what I wanted was unreasonable and that no way was he or a court going to offer me that and that he needs to do what is best for him!! Selfish w@nker! Doesn't deserve to be a father!

[Kelly1978]

The court would consider your dds first. He has got it all wqrong if he thinks a court is going to put his needs first. I think a lot of fathers have read the propoganda about fathers rights and forget it is about what is best for the children.

It might be worth mentioning to the hv or someone that your dd is findign it hard so that you have that to rely on if it did go to court. It really is unlikely to go that far though. If you don't want to, you can ask for mediation first. If he doesn't agree to that, it wouldn't look good for him. His solicitor would tell him that going to court is not a good idea for anyone. The court would then decide what is best and neither of you would have much say in it and you would also lose flexibility.

Liek I said, eventually you are going to have to let him have mroe access, but there are ways of maaking sure you are comfortable with that. Maybe consider situations where you think your dds are more comfortable.

Don't worry too much about thigns at the moment though. Children are surprisngly resilient, and your dd will probably calm down. I used to get so frustrated with my X, as he would deliberately ignore everythign I said, jsut because they were 'on his time' and it was 'up to him'. He would keep them up til 11, feed them on sugary drinks, including the baby who usually came back with diarrhoea (sp), ruin their clothes, etc. In the end I sent them in the same outfit every weekend, and it was up to him to change them if he wanted. They eventually got used to the routien and different rules too, and got straight back into home rules on the sunday they came back.

Eventually it gets so much easier, adn I looked forward to the break. Being a single mother is tough, and you need that break. I ended up havign weekends away and all sorts on his weekend. Cos, then, once I got used to it, the git decides it too far to travel.