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Can I be a dad and mum to DD?

9 replies

starrychime · 12/12/2010 17:04

DD's father is a waste of space, she sees him now and again but he goes away for weeks/months on end and then we get a call saying I'm back, are you free Saturday or whatever to meet with DD. Usually I'll say OK as DD really loves seeing him. I wouldn't care if he never got in touch again! Do you think she'll suffer without a proper father figure - how have other's DDs turned out without a man in their life so to speak? Also she's saying "I wonder what dad will give me for Xmas" - likely that we won't see him before then and if we do if he brings anything it'll be some tat - she'll like it I guess but what can I say to prepare her for not getting anything from him? I've had 7 years of this and when we don't hear from him it's like he doesn't exist and we go along quite happily then there's a phone call - I've actually sometimes not answered the phone when I'm pretty sure it's him and when we do speak I just say I was away or didn't get the message - bad I knnow but I just can't be bothered with him in our lives! Is this very selfish - it's just so much easier with the 2 of us.

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 12/12/2010 17:54

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mumblecrumble · 12/12/2010 18:57

How is your duaghter when he gets in touch?

starrychime · 12/12/2010 19:04

She talks to him on the phone with a big smile for a little while then hands the phone to me. When we meet she's usually shy for about 5 mins then they start playing etc. I don't have much to say to him myself, on the phone I can hardly bring myself to talk to him, just say hello and then fall silent and wait for him to carry on conversation which then resuts in long moments of silence on his part till he usually says, so...what are you doing this weekend - are you free etc. Actually we really have nothing to say to each other!

OP posts:
lowercase · 12/12/2010 20:03

you could say that its not the presents that count, and relay the christmas story.

you could tell her that even if she doesnt see daddy, you are sure he will be thinking of her.

i would protect her as much as poss.

i would also be as flexible and cordial as possible with your ex, so you cant be seen as standing in the way.

of course, you cant be both parents, but you can be a fantastic, supportive mum.

girliefriend · 15/12/2010 20:41

I would def do all you can to encouage contact (sorry if thats not what you want to hear!) My dds dad has never had contact - his choice and I have tried to encourage him to take responsibility but to no avail. My dd struggles a lot with not having a daddy and has in the past been really upset at having no contact.

I think maybe you need to sit down with your ex and discuss how is behaviour is making you feel and the impact it has on your dd.

cestlavielife · 15/12/2010 21:39

you dont need ot be "dad" - jsut beyourself.
just have her get used to theidea of a "sometimes" dad. that is how ehr dad is. dads (and mums) come in all types...some are more rpesent than otehrs (and give more presents)

if you dont worry about it - she wont.

encourage the limited contact she has with him - when she older it will beon her terms anyway.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 16/12/2010 08:20

go with it as much as you can and for as long as she is coping with it and enjoys it.

i can only tell you that the love whatever tat they bring and excited to see them with no questions asked stage doesn't last forever. children grow up and see things for themselves. dealing with my neice feeling really angry with her dad at the minute having realised in her words that he's never really cared about them or put them first and expects them to just see him when he wants.

he lives overseas and is expecting them to go for 3 wks this summer and she's not having it. she doesn't see why she should turn her life upside down for him when he never comes to see her properly. he's deluded into thinking that now they are older he can have them the whole summer etc without realising that he's left it too late and not done enough and they won't want to do that. they're 12 years old, they're building up lives of their own and the idea that this man can click his fingers and they'll come running is laughable. he doesn't see that all the groundwork of a relationship and making real ties and bonds came earlier when he couldn't be bothered or couldn't prioritise funds to be with them regularly.

fwiw my son has zero father figure in his life and it troubles him sometimes. he's not yet four but he articulates his confusion sometimes and i do what i can to reassure him but it's hard. i wouldn't shut him out if i was you. let it run it's course and her draw her own conclusions.

izzybiz · 16/12/2010 08:26

My Ds1's dad was like this. I never had any doubt that Exp loved Ds, he was just rubbish at being a dad.

He would promise him things and let him down, not see him for weeks on end, I was so tempted to tell him to stay away so many times, but couldn't bring myself to do that.

I stopped encouraging contact but never stood in the way IYKWIM.

As Ds got older he sadly became used to his dads way, he is 18 next week and still stays in contact with his dad buut knows what he is like.
He loves his dad, accepts him for who he is, and loves the fact that I never stood in their way, he understands now.

I know when your Dc are little its hard to know what to do for the best, but I agree with Santa, let things run their own course. Smile

daddydaycare51 · 20/12/2010 02:17

starrychime of course you can be a mum and a dad , I have been for 7 years now and I'm a bloke ok Grin

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