I was messaging a man and it was all banter and I wanted to keep my sur name and exact location private, and...

[Tinseltownie]

and he sent me a message making the point that if I was never prepared to reveal my full name or where I lived or meet up with him, then, although the chatty banter was nice, it wasn't what he wanted. he wanted to meet up and not be top secret about straightforward personal details.

ok, with me so far?.

so after him coaxing me to reveal these details i told him where I lived and my real name and a few other details. NOw he has stopped messaging me.

I feel really annoyed with myself.

That's it. I just wanted to let that out, as I haven't told my friends. And yes I'm a name changer. If I feel this cross without myself for telling a stranger my sur name, imagine how I'd feel if I took the risk of actually sleeping with somebody one day.

this was a match.com thing btw

Tosser.

Is it possible he wanted to know your name etc so he could try and look at you on facebook?

Just remember it as a lesson for next time and forget about it!

a) Give him a chance he may be on his Christmas do
b) If he doesn't message then his loss, millions of others on match
C) I don't see the need for surnames at this stage but suggest somehwere nearby that you want to meet, it doesn't have to be the pub over the road
d) Keep trying, lots of people I know met their partners on dating websites and I have been married to mine for 2 years!

Oh god, did the same! Didnt realise if I sent someone an email it wld send my surname He sent a message back including my full name (at that point I thought I was still match nickname!)
Have ignored the last message and am back to hiding!!
Treat it as a learning curve, thats what I'm trying

Thanks ....He knew I'd checked him out on facebook so I suppose it wasn't fair.

I think I've learnt something. Next time, I will decide what to reveal before hand and I will stick to that...

And the second thing I've learnt is that I'm not going to do this for a while because if I don't even have the guts to meet for a coffee what is the point.

isn't it weird how somebody you haven't even met can make you feel a bit wrong-footed.

Am with you.
|Match was more an experiment for me which taught me I wasnt ready!

Real life seems less scary now after online. I'd have better luck sitting at a table in a bar pretending I'd been stood up! I think that would be less horrendous.

?Dont know!
Am venturing out tomorrow to by some more paper bags for my head!

Perhaps the guy got frustrated.

You do get a lot of women online who take the whole online security thing too far. I'm not saying don't be cautious but there is a point if you are online dating where you do need to take the next step.

I think this is where a lot of people fall down. I remember a lot of ladies who I'd get chatting to, things would be going well then when you tried to escalate things by suggesting a date or even getting their email address, they'd disappear in a puff of smoke.

I soon learned that those ladies aren't ready to date yet. So the answer was to escalate fairly quickly and not waste my time swapping endless messages to no end.

What I learned to do was instead of going straight for a date or email, to ask for MSN address. That way you make a little progress without revealing too much. If the lady wouldn't even MSN with me then forget it. Timewaster. Plenty others out there.

Whilst I'm not saying you shouldn't be careful online, just bear in mind that the vast majority of men are normal and not stalkers. Once you've swapped a few messages and chat is going well, you can understand why we may get a bit insulted if you still very cautious. It's like you still think we're a possible stalker. In which case why are you bothering. And yes, if you still won't move on from the simple chat, why bother online dating?

Niceguy - you dont mess about do you!
Am totally sure I'm not ready, am going to hibernate and do some re adjusting I think.

Nice Guy, maybe though, a woman could become ready to meet a particular man if she felt she 'knew' him online. But not ready to go off and meet a total stranger.

So men might feel like they're wasting time, but really, isn't it a bigger waste of time to arrange to meet up with twenty people and only like one of them? If you spend a few weeks emailing those same 20 people you could rule out most of them before bothering to meet up. That might save time. Another male female difference perhaps.

I dunno bout every 1 else but i thought i was ready and got myself on plenty of fish...queue the freak out!! lol i do think it would be nice to be with someone again, i think its the internet part that i didnt like so deleted my account and now crossing all crossable body parts that next time i eventually get the chance to go out i'll bump into mister right, or even a mister right now to clear the cobwebs!! ;)

Yes Valium, I get that. Thing is, it's a risk isn't it? You can spend x days/weeks/months getting to know someone and for them to turn around at the end and say "I'm not interested"

Or you can spend your time messaging women who DO want to meet you.

It's just about being efficient with your time and resources.

The big irony here is that lets say you do meet a man in say the supermarket. Let's say he chats you up and then asks you for your telephone number? How long do you have to decide if he is a potential stalker/player/axe murderer? 5 maybe 6 seconds? Yet on the Internet you think its ok to take weeks?

Being blunt, ladies like a confident man who knows their mind. Those sorts of men are unlikely to like someone who's dithering over something as straight forward as a telephone number. If you can't make such a simple decision, it doesn't bode well for any future relationship. He is also likely to have options, so not going to be waiting around for weeks.

Thinking back, of all the ladies I dated who lasted longer than 2 dates, they were the ones who didn't mess around. We swapped a few messages then met up somewhere public for lunch.

Not long after I started coming on MN and I got a slating on the fit & interesting thread. Whilst you lot are yibber yabbering about what you should/should not do, there are plenty of people actually doing it. You can be the lion or the lamb. Personally I'd rather be the lion.

Holy cr*p this is like an autopsy. Look thing is it didn't work wether he/you got cold feet makes no diff MOVE on, and as for ppl trying to analize it get a grip. And niceguy it takes as long as it takes, and (confident men/women) are usually dithering around trying to find someone who lives upto thier expectations.
So really it all comes down to individuallity , not everyone is the same which means everybody does not think like everybody else. I think it makes no sence trying to disect everything that happens in life. (just my opinion).

Maybe the 'ladies' know their own minds and what they are and aren't comfortable with, niceguy?

Radical concept, I know.

Personally, if someone does not feel comfortable about giving out such information to someone they barely know then why should they feel obliged to?

NiceGuy2 may be blunt but there is a truth in what he says
It can be a total waste of time to try and get to know somebody via email cause so many people male and female are very good on line and very crap in real life surely it is safer for anybody to have a quick look at the other person in the flesh and trust your gut feeling

well said Niceguy2!!

My mother (in her 70s) met someone on the internet after years of plucking up the courage to join a dating site. They went on a few dates and my mother was letting herself trust him and like him. After a short while she told him she lived in sheltered housing - completely changed from that moment and the fucker never contacted her again. Knocked her confidence and she hasnt tried since.

I agree its good to meet up face to face - if you feel comfortable doing so. What I find mildly objectionable about niceguy's post is the inference thay women don't know their own minds and have sensible boundaries.

If you get a hinky feeling from someone online then why would you meet up with them? I wouldn't. It's not being overcautious, its commonsense.