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Lone parents

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Original poster

I've been on Match for 4 months and no luck whereas my childless friends are on for 4 minutes and they meet a great man!

126 replies

poshsinglemum · 05/12/2010 20:10

What am I doing wrong?

I am fed up with people saying I have to have a great relationship with myself as I have that (ish) and have been on my own for like ever.

OP posts:
christmaseve · 09/12/2010 19:39

I think I know what Niceguy looks like. I might be muddling him up with someone else but I remember you have posted about internet dating in the past and said that you had to fire loads of messages off to get a couple of replies! Yes, he is the sort that we wouldn't reply too. lol

Pleased you have met someone though!

Niceguy2 · 09/12/2010 20:08

I don't like the league thing either. I don't like the fact we have rich & poor neither but it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

The thing is, I spent most of my adult life thinking I was in a low league. There were lots of reasons I thought....wrongly. It appears the problem was me. After a lot of research and soul searching, I made a fair few changes.

I spent a lot of time researching the whole Internet dating thing and whilst I totally understand why women get jaded, it would seem many fail to see it cuts both ways. From a man's perspective it's every bit just a minefield too. But there are genuine people out there too.

Yes xmaseve, you have the right person but i don't think you've seen my photo. My online dating days are behind me but I do remember how I struggled in the early days to get any replies then later with certain "tactics", I had a VERY successful run. Some are still friends, most are not.

Lowercase, yes I have a DD and in answer to your question no, I don't like the idea at all. Why do you think dad's are so protective? Because we know what the boys are REALLY thinking.

All men are bastards. Period. I've told my DD the same, even my GF's dad has told her the same. You just have to find one who's less of a bastard than most.

Mzdemeanourunderthemistletoe · 09/12/2010 20:17

Not often I swear online .. but what a fucking stupid, damaging thing to say. Think quite honestly it' s just an excuse for having the wit and personality of an organism only slightly higher than pondscum - but hey, that's just my perspective!

christmaseve · 09/12/2010 20:29

I have a DD I would never say such a thing about men. I'm sure if I did she would see straight through me. Maybe it's indicative of the men that trawl the human ebay that is POF and the likes but geez that isn't representative of the male population is it? I'm still waiting to find my equal.

lowercase · 09/12/2010 21:26

Biscuit anyone?

BEAUTlFUL · 09/12/2010 22:20

"All men are bastards. Period."

Is this honestly true? Bastards in what way?

IME, men are usually honest with women about what they want/what they're looking for, but women don't listen. So when a man comes straight out with something like, "I'm not looking for anything serious," the woman will think, "Aha! But you haven't experienced my Reverse Cowgirl Double Backflip Throat-Opening BJ!" and tries to convince him that she's what he's looking for. When the truth is, he knew the moment he saw whether he really liked her or not.

BEAUTlFUL · 09/12/2010 22:28

This is depressing me, because it is targeting my deepest fear - that nobody will want me anymore because I'm nearly 40 with two amazing, amazing kids.

I'm great-looking (in the shallow way that men like! Slim, toned, long hair, glam clothes, etc), funny, bright, good fun, warm, sassy... But I am so scared that none of that is "enough" anymore because any man would look at me and think, "I don't want to live with another bloke's children".

I know that not every man would be like that, but isn't there some kind of, I dunno, biological programming that makes men want to further their own genes, not help raise someone else's?

BEAUTlFUL · 09/12/2010 22:31

I try so hard to stay positive about my life, but that thought never fails to bring me down. That I'll be forever in the Scratched & Dented bin now, no matter how lovely I am. In reality, any man would be bloody lucky to have me! but I don't want to end up feeling grateful, or bending over backwards because I subconsciously feel I have to compensate for my own wonderful kids.

BEAUTlFUL · 09/12/2010 22:32
Sad
lowercase · 09/12/2010 22:41

my children are an asset to me.

it is a privilege to be part of a childs world, dont ever feel second class because of your cubs!

BEAUTlFUL · 09/12/2010 22:52

"it is a privilege to be part of a childs world, dont ever feel second class because of your cubs!"

I know! I think I tie myself up in knots because I'm trying to second-guess what someone else - some mythical, mystery, generic male - might want. Hmm

christmaseve · 09/12/2010 22:58

Beautiful, stop that, you know how lovely you are, any guy would be lucky to meet you and the ones that let you go are losers.

Your DC's are not holding you back. If anyone has an issue with them then they are not worthy of you and your lovely children.

lowercase · 09/12/2010 23:10

i wouldnt even tell any potential / dates i have children until the subject comes up, and even then, you dont have to announce it like you have a terminal disease!
thats no way to talk about THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU!

QueenofWhatever · 10/12/2010 09:44

lowercase, I'm surprised. In the world of internet dating, I always put I have a child. I personally would be very sceptical about anyone who only mentioned that someway down the line. I think it's disrespectful to myt DD that she is an add on. As such a critical part of my life, it would be like forgetting to mention what I do for a living or the town I live in.

Now nicegy and the rest of you, let's get back to tactics. I want more men to ask me out via internet dating. What shall I do?

lowercase · 10/12/2010 09:49

what about child safety?

i was warned against disclosing you have children to protect them until you trust that person.

BooBooGlass · 10/12/2010 09:50

Don't wait for them to ask you is my advice. If you see someone you like, send them a message. WHy sit back and wait for them to come to you?

Zanyisntsantacanny · 10/12/2010 10:28

If I like the look of someone I will message first and mention something they have said in their profile. Try sending a few and see what response you get

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 11/12/2010 08:33

Since I've been on the dating scene (quite some time on and off) I have become quite hardened and seem to view it as a market place where I have to sell myself.

I hate the league thing. It's like saying that some people are lesser beings than others. we may be initially attracted to looks and success etc but what if they turn out to be a knobber. Also, I sometimes fancy people in flesh who don't tick the ''attractive'' box. Some fat men are very attarctive, ditto fat women. Likewise not all thin people are stunningly georgeous.

OP posts:
Niceguy2 · 11/12/2010 08:48

Hi Beautiful.

From reading your last few messages, I think the main problem you have is that you see your kids as a hindrance and that is having a knock-on effect on your self confidence.

Instead of knowing that whilst you are not perfect, that you are still worthy of a good man's love, you seem to be thinking of how you can change things so that a man will love both you and take on your kids.

Let me tell you that any man who is in the same age range will not be expecting a woman with no ties. Frankly that would be a bit strange. Would you expect to meet a 40 year old man that hadn't got any history? No you wouldn't. In fact, I have a friend who is 35 and has no ties. He also is still a virgin and until this year, lived at home with his parents. Attractive? I think not.

As someone who is only a couple of years off the big 4-0, I wouldn't bat an eyelid if a woman told me she had kids.

So Beautiful, if I had to advise you on one thing, its that you need to work on your self confidence and realise that you ARE worthy. That you should not change anything for a man but instead find someone who is compatible.

But in finding your prince you will have to kiss some frogs. But unless you start meeting frogs, you won't know which is your prince.

QueenofWhatever · 11/12/2010 10:11

Slightly embarrased to admit that I was lying in bed thinking about this thread this morning. I'm wondering if it's not so much whether you have kids or not, but if you are the resident parent and if they are still quite young.

For example, I might think twice about dating a man who has a couple of very young children living with him. Partly because my dating intentions aren't very serious and I wouldn't want to impact their lives but mainly because the logistics are much harder. As a resident parent with abusy job, I want someone to fit around me. NRP with teenagers? I wouldn't think twice. Hmmm, maybe I am really shallow/fussy.

nnallc good point about being a widow/er. I am less likely to reply or initiate contact but don't know why.

lilacbauble · 11/12/2010 11:05

I've been chatting to a guy from a dating site. He has two boys and is the resident parent, they are 13 and 8. I have two girls and am the resident parent, mine are 13 and 11. We live 40 miles apart. Last night on the phone he said something along the lines of 'who would be interested in me?' and I said 'me!'

We are planning to meet next weekend and I hope he's as lovely as he seems. He absolutely gets that the kids come first and talked about how he feels under pressure to be a superparent because people will be looking at him to see how he's coping. Sounds to me like he's doing a great job.

BEAUTlFUL · 11/12/2010 14:07

Hi Niceguy,

"Let me tell you that any man who is in the same age range will not be expecting a woman with no ties. Frankly that would be a bit strange."

That has cheered me up! I just, oh I don't know. Dating/love/relationships all seems such a random thing sometimes. I like things with rules, with predictable outcomes. Smile

I really like this thread, I'm glad we can talk about all this stuff on here.

BEAUTlFUL · 11/12/2010 14:08

Lilac,

"Last night on the phone he said something along the lines of 'who would be interested in me?' and I said 'me!'"

Awww! Really can't wait to hear how you get on!

BEAUTlFUL · 11/12/2010 14:15

I've been dating someone for almost 6 months now. Shock I really don't know how that happened! It started off so light, so casually, it's hard to believe almost 1/2 a year has passed. It's been so much fun.

He's got baggage but it honestly doesn't bother me, but that might just be because we haven't discussed The Future yet. Perhaps if we were to start trying to work out the logistics of a life together, we'd realise how tricky it would all be.

Hence I'm not rushing that conversation!

christmaseve · 11/12/2010 14:33

I found it much easier to date when mine was little as she was accepting of having someone visiting the house and staying overnight. It's much harder with teens. I have not been able to invite dates over and have to meet them out or go to their's, for a few years now.

I've got this far without meeting a long term man so I can go another year or so, but once she leaves and goes to Uni, I get my freedom back, then I am hoping I haven't left it too late to find someone nice.