Upset 6 yr old

[Cazpatch]

Hi, I am hoping someone out there can help or reassure me. I have been divorced for 5 years and have a 6 1/2 year old daugter, she has regular ( one night every 2 weeks) contact with her dad and he phones her most nights. She and I would both love for her to have more contact with her Dad. Over the past couple of years she has really struggled with missing her dad, and currently is also feeling really embarrassed about having only a mummy at home. She is tearful at least once a week about the situation and keeps asking for us to get back together, even though she knows it would not be a happy house. She is a very bright cookie, reading level of an 8/9 year old and we have a very open loving and close relationship. Her teachers are aware of her feelings. I would love some comments on this, especially ones I can share with her so she does not feel so alone. x

What does her Dad feel about more contact? Is it not practical?

Thank you for replying He does not want more contact, he as her for a week in the summer. My daughter makes excuses, saying "He's busy.... he has to work"

Ahh, how sweet of her

Are there other children at her school that have separated parents do you know?

Her teacher says there are a couple but am not sure who, recently a boy started to call her a lost family loser which upset her greatly. The majority of children seem to have a male and female 'parent' in the house, which is surprising in this day and age.

At that age it's really hard for them to be away that long isn't it? I really feel for her (and you!).. hang in there.

Thank you Queen and King, I guess I am just worred thats shes getting too upset over such a long period of time or whether this is fairly normal?

I'm not surprised that upset her.

Might sound obvious, not trying to patronise or anything, is your daughter also aware that there are some other children at school that may live in a single parent house?
I know obviously her teacher probably shouldn't just tell you, but could the teacher perhaps talk to the other single parents and find a way to help your daughter realise that she is not the only one? I'm not quite sure how a teacher could do this, but I know that if a single parent wanted some support for their child, as a single parent I would want to give it.

At my girls school there around 45 pupils and I now know of 3 single parents including me with 5 children between us, so I would expect that there must be a few.

Thank you, i think it would help, i talked about it with her and she said she would ask some of the other children, her teacher has started a talk about families in class as a way of supporting her.

Its so hard seeing her so upset so often and there does not seem to be anything i can do.

Can Childline help?

My suggestion would be not to get into loooooong(ish) discussions about the topic. At the end of the day, you know that unless his dad decides to have more contact no amount of talking to you about the subject is going to increase that contact.

This may seem a bit rough but think about the times when she has asked for a toy you can't buy/give her. You know that the longer you discuss the toy with her, the more convinced she gets that if she insists she will get it.

I know the subject discussed her is not as supperficial as a toy but perhaps a factual response may go further. Something like, ""DD, I agree with you that it would be nicer if you had more contact with Dad, I wish there were, but at the moment, it is simply not possible. Would you like to (insert distraction here, and move the conversation into another topic)

Same goes for being a child of separated parents, certainly that kid has made a HUGE damage with that comment, so I guess it is about reassuring her that being a child of separated parents is not the end of the world, and that despite what many people believe, it is actually better to be a child of separated but happy parents than growing up in a household where people are always angry, shouting to each other and generally unhappy.

When DS was the same age as your DD, he started fantasising with the idea of his dad and I getting together again. What I told DS was, well... basically the truth, that when dad and I were together, neither of us was very happy, that we used to spend long periods in our own, as dad was often away and busy when at home, while after the split he (ds) got to spend more quality time and play more with his dad during contact visits, as before he was always working. I also told him that his dad seemed to be happier and so I was, and although he didn't remember it anymore, he seemed also happier once we stopped shouting at each other.

obviously, I know it is not ideal, I wish I were not a single parent, but well, unfortunately, that's the life we got and we have to make up the best of it.

if it s really affecting her then ask GP about referral to child therapist maybe a play therapist who can get her to open up adn express her feelings and develop more confidence etc.

she needs to find tools to deal with this and other things in her life that will, inevitably, go "wrong" in the future.... having the idea that "if only i had my dad more/saw my dad more everything would be fine" (leading to in future "if only xxxx happened i would be happy" etc.. .is a dangerous route to go down (it was constant theme of my exP - "well if xxxx was xxxx then everythihgn would be fine " if thi if that if we moved to xxx if DS wasnt disabled if you werent xxxxif if if and still is!) and is definitely one to tackle, now, while she young...

it is tough lesson but in life sh&t happens - not ahving a dad around, or other stuff - even if no other separated parent there may be another child who has had a bereavement or serious illness - have her see and understand that stuff happens... but we can still look positively on life...

-and maybe with professional help. possibly just a couple of sessions with a profressional play therapist might be enough to really help her and you?

Thanks for your ideas, it helps to hear of other peoples experiences and its given me a few ideas. xx