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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Christmas!

19 replies

Tiddlybear · 02/12/2010 23:04

Oh that fun time for sorting out arrangements.

Struggling to come up with a plan that suits everyone.

Last year I had dc until 11am on Christmas day and ex had them until boxing day.
This year he asked to swap. I thought about it and realised that as dc spend most of their time here and is "their" home it would less disturbing for them to have christmas eve here and ex was welcome to visit and suggested we keep a similar plan to last year.

Anyway it turns out that he would be taking dcs to his girlfriends family from christmas day. (last year he spent it with his family which dc know well and they had a good time).
Ex has been seeing her for 8 months, they dont live together although baby is due soon so presume they are in it for the long term, dc have met her on many occassions. But they have never met any of her family and I think it would be stressful for them (6 and 4 ) to spend majority of christmas day with strangers in a differnt house with different routine etc.

I then said ex could come round and have early christmas morning with us and have them morning until he has to go to girlfriends family and then on boxing day.

He says this is not acceptable.

Am I being precious about the whole thing. It is so annoying because he just picks and chooses when he wants to see them e.g has been off for a fortnight and only had them for a couple of days and chops and changes to suit him. It is taken me 2 years to get some sort of regular alternate weekend pattern.

What would a reasonable way to sort this out?

I know it is irrelevant but dc hate staying overnight and ds2 often cries when he has to go, but doesn't mind day times - hence my reluctance for christmas eve overnight (and I have never known him not to go to pub on christmas eve afternoon, early evening - but I suppose he may not go this year).

OP posts:

Flame · 03/12/2010 00:03

imo he had them daytime last year, you have them this year.

I am on my first year though so am being as precious as I want. My babies are waking up in their own beds, doing the day with me, then going to him for xmas night to do it all again on boxing day. He wanted me to bring them to "visit" on xmas morning before going to my mum's, but I know he has the big fancy pants present, and no, he has disturbed their life enough this year, they can have half a day of normality. Told him he is welcome here for the morning, but he doesn't want to leave his flat .

Sorry.... most of that was irrelevant

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/12/2010 00:23

I am donning my flameproof suit here, but I think that children should spend Christmas Eve night and Christmas day in their own homes (with a possible jaunt out to visit relatives) and for most children that means staying with mum.

It is a time for each family to establish its own traditions, creating memories to be shared year after year. They like waking up in their own beds and playing with their toys in their own space.

FWIW, my Ex comes on Christmas morning, sees DS, has brunch and leaves around 1.30 to do whatever. Last year I cooked dinner, this year we will have dinner at mums (arrive 3.30pm leave at 6.30pm). That way everyone gets to see DS, but the majority of his time is spent doing what he wants to do which is play and eat chocolate without worrying about anyone else.

elastaelf · 03/12/2010 10:10

I'm with you on this one. I expect my children to be at home with me on christmas morning opening their presents and I'm not giving that up just because my ex has left us, moved 2 hours away and remarried. If he wants the children on christmas day he can drive over and get them later in the day and I'm not moving on that one

whiteandnerdy · 03/12/2010 14:30

I thought I'd had Christmas sorted out with the Ex ... alas I fear I'm sliding into the land of utter cynical bulls**t since this mornings text messages. ARRRRRGH.

mamas12 · 03/12/2010 17:09

You only had them until 11 and then he had the rest of the day and the next day.
I think you could safely say that they will be with you xmas eve night and then through the day until evening when he could pick them up.
If things are not acceptable that really is not a productive way to go is it.
It's tough I know but thinking what is best for the dcs means listening to them and it seems that they want to wake up and be with you on xmas day and then maybe go to see dad on boxing day?
Stick up for yourself and your dcs and have the xmas that you know they would want and rremember fondly. If that means upsetting ex well so whats knew!

Flame · 03/12/2010 18:51

Wassup W&N?

Original poster

Tiddlybear · 03/12/2010 19:03

Thanks everyone that makes me feel a bit better - I very rarely stand my ground always trying to comprimise but I know will want to spend xmas eve at home and not want to spend the day with people they have never met - so they will be my absolutes - have to be stong.

Will upset the ex but then he is easily upset.

OP posts:

evolucy7 · 03/12/2010 19:32

I know that it can seem very unfair, but if he is likely to take any advice from any one who may have their christmas arrangements set out in a court order, I thought I'd tell you what I got from the court.

I made suggestions as you have done about waking up at home and then one year going to dad at 11am and the next year going on boxing day. My ex was not happy with this, so the court order says, and it is rubbish as far as I am concerned;

1st year - with me Christmas Eve until 1pm Christmas Day, with ex Christmas Day 1pm until Boxing Day 5pm.
2nd year - vice versa.

I still cannot believe that a court thought it was a good idea for young children to spend every Christmas Day lunchtime travelling around!

whiteandnerdy · 03/12/2010 22:52

Flame - I've just broken out in a nasty rash of scepticism. Arrgh anyone got any anti-sceptic cream I could use?

Bluuurgh ....

Flame · 04/12/2010 02:10

Lol. It must be a nightmare being the man on these threads what with you all being evil bastards out to ruin our lives

Sleepingonthebus · 04/12/2010 02:18

Elastaelf That's how I think too, although my ex thinks we should alternate Christmas Eve.

I have never agreed to the pressure from him, and it causes mega arguments in December. We haven't had 'the chat' this year yet.

The way he sees it, the children have 2 homes. The way I see it, they have 1 home and they visit their dad every 2nd weekend. Sometimes I feel really bad for saying no.

gillybean2 · 05/12/2010 13:35

Christmas is about traditions and family. I have a very certain way of doing things here, and if ds was to be anywhere else on xmas morning where those traditions didn't occur I know the magic and belief would have vanished long ago.

Your ex and his new partner will have their own way of doing things and it may seem unfair to him (and possibly it is) that he doesn't get to do the xmas eve/morning thing. But that's what happens when people separate.

When they are a little older (and your ex's new baby is here) then perhaps you can reconsider. The ds will no doubt be thrilled to have 2 xmas's then. But at this age I think you have every right to want to have them at home with you in the morning.

Of course this will be difficult and upsetting for you ex and his new partner and her family to accept and understand. And that's probably why he's getting so difficult about it because he feels he has no control and is trying to save face in front of his new partner and her family. I can understand too that it is difficult.

You too would be upset if it were the otehr way round and you never had the xmas morning thing or you had a new partner & child and they never got to do the morning thing with your dc.

It's so hard to find a compromise here and neither of you will ever be entirely happy with whatever arrangements are decided. You are both missing out on some part of teh day after all.

Ask him to think of the dc not himself and say you are trying to do that too. Remind him that xmas morning is magic for them and they need the traditions and consistancy to maintain that magic and in a couple of years time when his new child is old enough to appreciate xmas then you can both look again at how thinsg work for you all. But make it clear that this year you are having them xmas eve and day and he can come and collect them and take them to his new inlaws at 11am (or whenver you agreed last time).

In reality there's not much he can do about it. He can take you to court to get an agreement in place for future years. But that's likely to take a year or too to get sorted. In which case you'll be at the situation I described above and looking at it again hopefully anyhow.

CherryTheRedNosedMonster · 09/12/2010 14:19

i have to share my 2 daughters with my ex over christmas. originally he was expecting to pick them up on christmas eve and bring them back on boxing day. this is because i had them over the whole christmas last year, but i pointed out that that had been his choice as he had chosen to spend the day with his gf and her family. when he mentioned this a couple of months ago i told him there was no way at all was i going to not see my children at all on christmas day, so he is having them from 6pm christmas eve until 6pm christmas day. next year i will have them for that time and he will have them from 6pm christmas day until 6pm boxing day.

SaggyHairyArse · 09/12/2010 18:37

we only split in September so Dh is coming here Xmas Eve, staying the night so can see the kids opening their presents, having lunch together and then going in the afternoon at some point.

We are giving the presents a joint pressie as having come from a single parent background, I don't want it to turn into a gift giving competition.

I would prefer the children to wake up in their own beds and have their presents under their tree at home, this compromise is the only way to achieve that.

scarlotti · 11/12/2010 21:13

Saggy similar thing here as we are on a temporary split since early November. DH coming here Xmas eve and staying till Boxing day. My brother andhis family are coming from 3ish on Xmas day and will stay overnight, so that will ease any tension/pressure hopefully.

I too feel that dc's should be at home on Xmas day (with whichever parent that might be) although I have no idea if that will stick should Dh and I not make it...

Original poster

Tiddlybear · 12/12/2010 22:46

Ex is refusing to back down - I offered several comprimises - him coming to mine on christmas eve, having them in the morning and early afternoo befoe going to girlfriends house, or can have them for the majority of the day if they with his family (who dc know very well)

He wont back down and says he will get lawyers involved. I asked him to imagine what the dc wantand he kept sayingthat he was "entitiled" to what he is demanding.
All very stressful - this has all been maily by text message, so have offered to meet with him to discuss.

OP posts:

evolucy7 · 12/12/2010 23:13

I'm a bit confused I thought you were saying that this year he would have them until 11am on Christmas Day? So they wouldn't spend the majority of Christmas Day somewhere they didn't know, they would be with you from 11am this year wouldn't they?

frazzle26 · 18/12/2010 23:03

My ex isn't seeing our son at all over christmas. It isn't his weekend so I've told him to bugger off. This may sound mean and childish to some people but he doesn't bother with our son for most of the year so I don't see why christmas should somehow become so important to him. His weekend is new years weekend but he's said he doesn't want him as he's going out. Says it all really.

blackcoffee · 18/12/2010 23:07

my ex normally sees dc fortnightly and was due on Xmas day but preferred to rearrange for this weekend and snow prevented it
I bloody hate Christmas

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