This is tearing me apart .....................

[loulounz]

Dh has just picked the dd's up and I'm in floods of tears again. I hate this - I don't want them to go. I feel like my heart is being ripped apart. I just don't want to be apart from them.

Why is it easy for some people to let go - other threads I read make me feel so weak and childish.

I just can't cope with this though and I know he will want them for longer soon. I JUST CAN'T DO IT.

I want to run away and hide.

NO amount of "keeping myself busy" helps.

What else can I do?????????????????????

How old are they and how long have you been seperated?

Loulounz - how awful for you, I have no words of advice but I couldn't ignore your post. How long have you and DH been apart -is this a new situation? Have you got a mate you can call and go over to her or go for lunch or something to kill a bit of time before your children come back?

Message withdrawn

Sorry answered on the other thread.

Do you feel like this only when he takes them, or when others look after them too?

Fairyfly - they are 3 and 1. Been separated 9 months in total (got back together for 8 wks, then separated again for last 3 months).

Caligula - have my dd's 24/7, on very rare occasions (can probably count on one hand) someone has looked after them for max 1 hr - think that's why I'm finding this really difficult. It has only been last couple of times (because dh has started complaining) that he now takes them away from the house - I have let him take them, even though I really am not ready for fear he takes me to Court and they give him even more "away" access.

No, don't have any friends near me - they all live at least 2+ hours away. Only have telephone support and Mumsnet support, until my house sells and I can move on.

I know I'm being really silly and I can't keep them with me all the time - for their good as well, but it just breaks my heart. I've cried for nearly two hours. I just want them with me - when they are older I may want them out of my hair, but at the minute I really enjoy spending my time with them.

LL, it's very very early days. And it's made much harder because you've had so little time away from them.

You're not being silly, you're going through a natural phase which will eventually pass. I know that's not much use to you while you're going through it, but it's true.

How long are the children going to be away for? (So that we can think up some things for you to do in the intervening time?)

It's only 4 hours - but feels like a lifetime!

He's just brought them back, a little late but nothing to get worked up about.

The first thing eldest dd said was she was "hungry" - found out he only fed eldest teacake and cake and 1 yr old teacake and biscuit - I'm very angry - they are both really good eaters and eat properly. Last time it was only chips! Do I approach him about this?

I am also angry because - he keeps kicking up a fuss about he doesn't get enough time with them, when he has just spent his precious hours with the whole of his family! Planned to meet up with his family and take them swimming - bought them costumes (instead of asking me for their own) - It's all so underhand and just winds me up - why can't he be upfront and honest with me?! I do not want them having two sets of everything -surely that will unsettle the dd's? Or am I being silly again?

I have no problem with his family seeing the dd's and have told them they are welcome to visit. Am I unreasonable in not wanting this all happening behind my back?

Forgot to add - he dropped them off with a BIG SMIRK on his face as though he'd got one up on me!! W@nker!

loulou - Im afraid you may not want to hear this - sorry in advance!
but, I think you should just let go when the children are with your dx. You are just storing up a whole bundle of misery for yourself otherwise. Look at it this way - he is the ultimate safe babysitter. He's not going behind your back - hes just having a relationship with his own children.
If you take it easy, then all his smirks will have no effect, because he wont be able to hurt you. Make sure that you give him the story that you are happy for him to have the children, cos its best for them, and you will be getting your hair done or something like that.
If he is just a good dad, he should be happy that his children's mum is happy, and if he's mean enough to want you to be unhappy, well he will be disappointed.

Have to say I agree with NN here LL. It's easy for us to say when we're not going through it, but how you respond to your DH's contact with his children will determine long term how happy you are with it and therefore also, how happy they are.

His smirking is a pita. But he smirks because he knows he's wound you up. Don't let him know that, and then he'll have nothing to smirk about.

If the contact time is 4 hours, arrange to do something in those 4 hours slightly more interesting than housework - something that you can't do while the children are there. That may be getting your hair done, nails done, swimming, running, even DIY that's too dangerous to do (tools) while the kids are around. That way, you might be miserable while they're away, but at least when they get back, you'll have something to show for the time they were away.

Try to see him taking the children off for 4 hours as a slot of time for you. If it's longer than that - say a day, 8 hours or so, arrange to do something more adventurous - go and see one of your friends who live 2 hours away and tell your ex you're doing this and will be back at x o'clock.

At this stage, don't start getting angry with him about bringing the children back late. But you could ask him to talk about the practicalities of feeding them etc. That makes it a reality for him that taking them off is not just him giving them a treat, he's actually got to look after them properly as well. And it also shows him that you are genuinely accepting his right to take them off with him, like it or not. And if he knows you accept that, he's much more likely to be co-operative with you and not mess you about, if he's a half-way decent person.

BTW, I don't think there's anything wrong with him spending time with them and his family together. Now if he'd dumped them on his mother while he went out with the lads, then I'd think that would be off - but he didn't, he stayed with them in a family setting. Nothing wrong with that.

I'm not very good at explaining myself I don't think.

I never reacted to him in any way when he dropped the dd's off - I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. I don't show my dd's that I'm angry in anyway either - I know that would be wrong. I'm just sounding off here.

I am VERY angry about him not feeding them properly, and I forgot to say that dd wet herself shortly after coming in the house as well (something she doesn't do)- he obviously hadn't asked if she needed the toilet at any point and she had not told him for whatever reason!

I am ANGRY/UPSET (JEALOUS?) for many reasons (not just the silly ones I put):

• WE never did anything as a family (can count on one hand the fun times we had together - he NEVER wanted to do anything!)

• HE never took an active part in dd's lives when he was with me - now he wants to run before he can walk - WHY?

• WE never did anything fun with the dd's and his family - all the fun?! we had was going to their house for something to eat occasionally! Now they want to play happy families because I'm out of the picture.

Him having more of an active role with the dd's when we were together, us doing more as a family and us ALL being involved in fun times with the in-laws were things I yearned for to make me happier, but NO - he wasn't interested in doing any of that in the marriage. So why does he want all of that now that I'm out the way? That really hurts. All those little things could have kept our family together instead of our dd's being yet another statistic in this shit world!

I know exactly how you feel, i feel, so angry that because he decided to leave us i have to give up a whole weekend without my special girls when i would rather we were toghter as a family, it tears me apart to ......
Dont beat your self up
Stay strong

I can't imagine how u feel but I can give a detached opinion. Maybe he's trying to play happy families without you to prove to himself and maybe his family that he can be a good dad - if he's as useless as you suggest then this will be short lived. either way you win. If he does manage to become a good dad then that's better for everyone, including you though you may not see that now.

As for his visits, treat him like a child minder or babysitter at the beginning. include snacks, drinks and food that can be put in the microwave. let him know that you've included these and a 'things to know' list that may help him. it's up to him then to use it or not. be prepared that the food etc may all come back but at least it shows you're trying and want this to work.

It's awful that your dd wet herself but this is probably normal - all your lives have changed and it will take time for you all to readjust. I feel for you and hope this gets better and better each day.

sorry for length but felt so strongly about you message - it must be awful but you will all get through this. love coming your way

yep, it's a bummer LL. They often discover the joy of family life after a split.

I can only re-iterate that eventually, this will cease to make you angry or sad and you'll be able to distance yourself from it.

Thanks for all your comments.

Sanchpanch - I think we are going through exactly the same things - I could write what you do. You do sound much stronger than me though, especially this early on in the separation. Even down to reading horoscopes now and theirs always sounding much better! Even that winds me up some days, so I make sure I don't read his any more! Are we really that sad????!!!!!

Mammamic - you've hit it on the head about him wanting to "prove" to all that he's a good dad - I can't say he's a bad one because I'm sure there are a lot worse out there - he just hasn't got a clue and doesn't (or didn't) want to learn! I do honestly believe that he sees the dd's out of a sense of guilt and duty (he wouldn't want to look bad in his mother's eyes! She's content on getting rid of me out of his life but now too, like him, wants an active role in dd's lives!). Good thing or bad I don't know?!

I have always done EVERYTHING in the marriage and thought I was doing the right thing by not including lunch for him to give the dd's as this would make it too easy for him (he's always had it easy - never had to use his brain because everyone else does it all for him). Thought he could at least think of something decent for dd's to eat, but I am obviously wrong and will still have to "mother" him even though he's gone out of my life - which I DON'T want to do, but will have to I think to ensure my dd's are fed properly and don't cry and complain of hunger every time he drops them off!

It's ridiculous that you should have to make their sandwiches etc., but maybe you'll only have to do it the once? He might get the hint. If he doesn't, his mother almost certainly will!

My eldest has allergies - his mother hasn't a clue (have had to take my own food round to hers when we ate there because she thought dd could survive on a bit of meat, dry bread, crisps and sweets!)- he is too spineless to tell his mother what dd can and can't eat - and he's too lazy to read labels, hence the easiest feeding options - chips or dry buns and cake!! So I would end up doing it every time!

Looks like I'll be looking after him still in Divorce! I am well rid - he will never be a MAN!

Train your dd to lecture her grandmother on what she can and can't eat - its the only way long term. DONT look after him in divorce!! thats what I am currently doing. It is the kiss of death to future relationships.