Kids have gone off for their first proper stay at their Dads....

[SingleMumAndProud]

The DDs (19 months and almost 3) went to their Dads today for their first proper stay since we split up 6 months ago (at his mums house as he now lives there). All I asked is for him to stick to their routine as I have only just got it sorted and DD1 is in the middle of settling into nursery and if she is tired, she doesn't do very well there but if she has stuck to her routine she is fine.

I just rang to see how they are and they were just eating dinner at 7pm (They usually eat at 4.30-5pm). They go to bed at 6pm here but I said anytime up till 7pm is fine. They were just eating dinner and then the mobile hairdresser was coming round to do their hair!

So basically, he has not stuck to the routine at all, as they won't be in bed till 8-9pm now and he is getting their hair cut without even telling me, even though I did it myself last week.

Would you be annoyed or am I just being over protective with it being their first visit? He knew I didn't want DD2 to have the hair dresser too because she is very scared of people she doesn't know and I didn't want to make this worse (She won't even have her feet measured).

When did he pick them up? Perhaps he has just found out that it all takes a lot longer than he thought? But then you said he was at his mum's so perhaps not doing it on his own. Maybe as it the first time its just different, maybe he's tried to make it fun and exciting?
However, I completely understand and I would be annoyed too, children need routine and I would be clear that in future they really do need to go bed at a reasonable time.
As for the hair DD2 might make such a fuss he'll never attempt it again?!

You are going to have about 18 years of contact with your ex, so difficult as it is, when he's with the children it is up to him to an extent what happens.

And getting annoyed isnt really going to help you much is it?

If he hasn't had the kids overnight for 6 months then it's not totally unreasonable that he wants to make the most of every minute - it'll settle down when the novelty has worn off. It would be a shame if the kids picked up on your 'annoyed' vibes - they are probably having a good time and as Truckulent says, there's a long way to go.

Did you tell him you were having the childrens hair cut? If not - why should he tell you? Without being rude, honestly, he's their parent too. If he's looking after them securely and safely and they are happy - really, you have to let him do it his way.

If DD1 is foul in the morning he may realise the error himself!

I would be pissed off if my dh got the kids haircuts without asking me. I think that's quite a big deal.

As for eating too late, I think you have to let go of that one. He's at his mums and they have to be able to do things their way up to a point.

It must be really tough for you with them being away for the first time. An emotional minefield I would have thought.

In a couple of months you'll be in the swing of it hopefully and enjoying the time off.

I think you are being a teensy bit unreasonable. I think you have to let it go. Better for your children to have proper time with their Dad than stick to a routine.

(unless it's really outrageous like them not being fed at all, or being fed crap, or going to bed at midnight)

Patricia - no I don't tell him when I get their hair cut, but I am their main carer. I look after them 24/7 where as he sees them once a month if their lucky and he doesn't make any effort to see them more than that. The once a month is because I have arranged it all, dropped them off (2 hours away) and doing the 2 hour drive again tomorrow to pick them up.

The food thing, is mostly because DD2 must of been really hungry. DD1 is old enough to say something, but he said DD2 had been grumpy for the last hour or so. But she hadn't eaten since lunch (which was here with me), she is used to dinner at 4.30-5pm and then wondered why, at 7pm, an hour past their bedtime, she was hungry!

And yes, they were fed crap, but I know I won't ever win with that one as his Mum would never cook anything that wasn't junk food.

Agree about the haircut, actually think its a bit weird tbh.

I made the decision early on that I wouldnt get involved with how xh dealt with his time with the dc but it maddens me that he always feeds them take aways or they eat out. Hard as it is you need to just let him get on with it I think.

Anyway presumably given how far away he is this isnt going to be a regular thing ? I must say I think you are brilliant for doing all that driving for them to see him - I doubt I would.

getting easier - If I wasn't desperate for a break away from the kids I probably wouldn't. I guess I have probably been quite depressed (although would never admit this to anybody in RL!) so to have a couple of days child free, to get on top of jobs etc was worth the drive.

Although I do struggle to afford the petrol of it all, considering he owes me £1k and isn't paying child maintenance.

Singlemum he sounds like you're well shot of him

Maybe you can persuade him to do the driving next time although he should offer really.

Sorry you feel depressed, why wouldnt you admit this to anyone in RL ? God with 2 such young dc on your own who would expect you to be coping easily. Did you instigate the split? How long ago was it?

I could never have coped as well as I have without the support from family and friends but I must say I asked blatantly for help. Also my dc were 10 and 13 when he left so very different scenario.

Post on here for support maybe if you want to keep your feelings private ?

We split up in July and it was a mutual disision, although I tried and tried to make it work but he was just a waste of space if I am honest.

He can't drive them cause he lost his driving license a couple of years ago. He can re-do his test whenever he wants but always finds a reason not to bother.

July ? No wonder you are struggling its really early days

Hmm not much you can do then but I repeat it sounds like you are well shot of him