weekend and midweek arrangements with DCs - interested to know what works for you

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Does your ex pick them up on a Friday eve or Saturday morning ? and if Friday is it from school/nursery or later on from home ?

At the moment my ex picks up our DD (3) at around 9am on a sat morning and brings her home tea time Sunday. He is pushing for it to start on a Friday now.. and maybe one overnight stay in the week (at the moment he picks her up from childminders around 5pm and drops her back here at 7pm)

I know on one hand I should feel thankful that he wants to see more of her and I do want them to promote a good relationship between them whatever my feelings are towards him after him walking out. However I can't help but feel like I don't want wave goodbye to her for a whole weekend every other weekend- especially as I go back to work full time soon (currently off on mat leave with our DS - 4 months old) and won't really have seen her in the week - or is just this something I have to accept now that we are separated - even though it was all his choice to bugger off (I know that shouldn't come into it as what happened between me and him should be separate). It just seems harsh.

Another thing I would be interested to know is - How many of you have midweek overnight stays arranged ? Does it work ? As I said DD is only 3 - will be starting school in the not too distant future and I'm not sure how I feel about her being away from home in the week.

Oh and one last thing - DD is meant to be back here at 7pm - it is now 7.25pm and she's not back (he has texted to say sorry - will be late but this it quite common. I normally take her upstairs at 7 for stories and light is out by 7.30. How strict are you with pick up and drop off times ?

I would really like to know how other make these things work. I want to do the right thing and maybe others with more experience of this could let me know how it works best ?

Thanks

DD goes to her dad's every other weekend and he collects her from her after school activity on a Friday, bringing her back around 6.30 on Sunday. I really don't mind. It enables me to do the Friday night pub thing, or go away for the weekend, or all sorts - even catching up on cleaning if I'm desperate! I have offered 3 out of 4 weekends, simply because she misses him and wants to see him, but he doesn't want to and I am secretly a little pleased as I do get the alternate weekends to do fun stuff.

I did think when we first split that he would have her an evening or two in the week as well - but he refused to organise his work around it. There were a couple of nights when he had her and to be honest, there was a lot of stressing over the right stuff being in the right bag for school/after school, lunchboxes, uniform being in the wrong place. But that was just my stuff, I think dd coped with it OK!

I'm pretty laid back, so being a little late wouldn't bother me too much, but your ex is pushing it a bit as she's so young and it's late for her. I guess from his point of view, if he isn't seeing her much - and 2 days in a fortnight isn't much, then maybe they just don't want their time together to end? Personally, I'd not make a huge issue of it.

Snowquartz
Do you mind me asking how old your DD is ? And do you work (full or part time). Was your breakup a while ago ?

My issue is that ok I see plenty of her in the week at the mo as am off on Mat leave with DS but will be back at work soon full time and will only see her before 8am and after 6pm every day which is not really quality time at all as we are either rushing or she is frazzled - so it just feels like quite a lot to not see her from Friday morning to Sunday night when it's straight back into busy stressful work and nursery / school for her.

Maybe in time I will look forward to these times but I guess - as DS is only 4 months - I am still at home with him every friday and saturday night with or without DD so could not do Pub thing on Friday or Sat in any case. Also DD has only stayed over at his twice so it seems a bit soon to be going to 2 nights already.

You seem more laid back than I feel at the mo but maybe it's just time - or maybe you are more able to see things from your ex's POV more than I can right now. Its all so raw and I am still trying to come to terms with having children then having to give them up every other weekend because of something that was all his doing. I am sure it must get easier.

Would be great to hear from any other LPs with how their arrangements work and how they are able to cope with it thanks

Hi there, I can completely see where you are coming from.
My ex left in May 2008, the children were about to turn 1 and 2, now 3 and 4! They spent the first year spending 1 day at the weekend with him. In October 2009 they started staying overnight every other weekend. He collects them at 9.30am on Saturday and brings them back at 5pm on Sunday. The CAFCASS report had suggested from Friday after school too, but he said he could not do Friday night due to pub work commitments. He did start out taking them for tea on a Wednesday, 4.30-5.30pm but regularly did not come, the record was 6 weeks in a row, and eventually he said he could not do this anymore.
I would be against the idea of mine staying overnight in the week, I do not think that it would be in their interests at all, but it might be different for you. I would be strict with returning times, particularly when they are young and start school, I would not dream of letting my ex bring the children home at 7.30pm on a school or nursery night. When we went to court I was strict on them never being returned after 5.30pm, I think they need time to relax before bed. However, if you are strict on the return time particularly in the week this could fuel his arguement for the overnight as then she could be going to bed at a better time?!

I'm 4 years down the line with my separation/split. One of our children does alternate nights and the other,2 mid weeks and one week-end visit no overnights.

This has developed over the years and what they are happy with. Well they'd still like me and their mum to be together but that's not possible.

I think as long as the split can be kept amicable, the children will be ok with most scenarios.

I can't really empathise much as XP will only see DS for a few hours on Saturday afternoons, so I'd love to have an arrangement like yours!

Trying to be objective, I think you should say yes to the request to pick up on Fridays but in return ask him to drop her back home at 5pm on Sunday so you get to see her then.

At some point you may meet somebody new and then you'll be glad of that extra time to yourself - I wish I had it! Sorry to be so bitter and twisted!

Just wanted to say that my DH wouldnt even see the two DS if i didnt do the 200 mile round trip to take them to him..i grew up not knowing my dad and im not letting them feel like that..does grate tho at times,i get cross and think 'wheres the fire in your belly' he should be WANTING to see them more!! GRRRR phew thats better)

hi ! I work full time with 2 DDs, i spend no where near enough time with them as would like!! they go to their dads every other weekend friday to sunday. I take them by car, 120 mile round trip fri then again sunday so the girls get to spend time with him, then their weekends with me i make sure i dont work and we have fun time all weekend.. its tiring and hard work but i enjoy the break and also love having my time with them when they are here... it will all fall into place.. and you will get to love that you time eventually !!

I think the arrangement he is suggesting on Alt weekends is pretty fair. At least you do get weekday evenings. He doesn't!

My god so many of you having to do all the driving for access .

Well OP my xh left a year ago and our system has been every wednesday overnight and every other weekend friday 6pm until sunday 7pm. My dc were10 and 13 when we split so its very different for you.

I think you do need to appreciate that you have an ex who wants regular contact because so many dont . Saying that for around the first 3 months I hated the time they spent with him and had to make sure almost every moment was accounted for so I wasnt by myself for too long. Now ? I love that time

In your case perhaps if you agree to the every other weekend - sorry its enraging but fair - but ask him to respect the drop back time and make that earlier as your dd is so young. Also I dont know if you are BF so cant let him go to your x but you should try and make sure its not long before he does so that you get a break . So many men have the older dc but not the babies but its not like we get that option is it.

Anyway as per my nickname it really really does get easier and I think in the long run you will value the time especially when you go back to work

Hi

mine are 4 and 2 and my ex and I have been separated for 18m.

He has them 1 night every weekend, but the length of time varies, as does the night. This weekend for instance he has them from 6pm tonight until 6pm tomorrow, but he also had them for 2 hours last night as I had an emergency doctors appointment.

Some weeks he has them from 5pm on the Friday until last Saturday. Other weeks 10am Saturday until 6pm Sunday. We try and be flexible as we both work, the kids are at school/nursery and we both want to see them at weekends.

They are also going to their Dads for an extra 3 days/2 nights over Christmas.

At the moment I do all pick ups and drop offs as Ex doesnt have a car, so I kind of decide more on timings, but we do sit down and try and work things out as much we can.

When I was a child and my parents divorced we spent Sun-Wed at one house and Wed-Sat at the other, alternating the Sat night. It was hard though, even though we were teens.

Can you speak openly with your ex? Maybe do the Friday every other week so you still get some time? Maybe 1st and 3rd weekends he has her Friday-Sunday, the 2nd and 4th only Sat-Sunday?

I have just separated from DH on a trial, so possibly more amicable than permanent split. We have 2 ds' one who's 5 and the other is just 1. He collects them from childcare tues and takes them back there wed am. He does the same fri eve then they're home at 5 on sat night. Both of us get to see them at the weekend and we both get a break, not sure I could go a whole weekend without seeing them, certainly the youngest as he's so little