So I've Been Hiding Away For a While Now..

[NameChangedOBV]

But I really want to make things right.

I know this sounds awfully Jeremy Kyle, but I don't know for sure who my sons father is. I was in a long term relationship when I conceived my DS. We broke up temporarily and during this time I made a huge mistake and slept with somebody else. A few days after this happened, I confessed all to my partner, we made up in more ways than one. 6 weeks later I discovered I was pregnant.

Now please I don't want this to turn into a lecture on contraception. Something failed. I'm not sure which time or how though.

I decided to carry on with the pregnancy, my partner was supportive and we did have a 'what if' discussion, he is fully aware of the possibility my DS isn't his. From then on we decided we would not discuss this again and would raise our son as a family.

I tried to bring it up again near the end of my pregnancy but he just got annoyed and said 'I thought we had agreed'. I haven't brought it up since.

Fast forward and my DS is 18 months old and me and my partner have split up. He has moved back to his home town and I am bringing up DS alone, although my exP does frequently visit and sends money.

I can't get rid of this feeling of guilt and sadness. Although we agreed exP would raise DS as his own regardless, I just feel sad for my DS and like a horrible mother hiding this from him. I don't know what to do. I feel like I handled this situation terribly and shouldn't of hidden away from everything in the beginning. I am a good mother to DS I know that, but worry that he will one day end up hating me if I don't find out the truth. I only want whats best for him but just can't work out what that is.

I could really use some advice without judgement. How would you go about getting a paternity test? Has anybody been in a similar situation? What would you do in my position?

I can't say that I've been in a similar situation but I didn't want to leave this unanswered.

It must be a very difficult position for you to be in. If you did go for a paternity test you would obviously need the agreement and participation of your exP. Have you discussed the possibility of going for a paternity test with him at all?

My gut feeling would be to go for the paternity test so you know the truth. But I can't say it would be an easy decision to make.

Doctor can do a paternity test but there is a charge. Call and ask them what they charge.
If you know ds and dh blood groups, this may cancel him out as the father.

If it were me in your situation I would have the test done. I know it would be emotionally very difficult and could open a whole can of worms, but ultimately I think the deciding factor is that your DS has a right to know who he has obtained half his biological heritage from and this is a completely different issue to family relationships. This may be particularly important regarding health concerns once he is an adult and I personally have an adopted friend who counts his adoptive parents very much as his 'real' parents but remains sad that he knows nothing about his birth parents or his genetic heritage and whether or not he has any siblings.

In the interests of being fair, I would tell your XP that you would like to do this, placing the emphasis on what's right for your DS's long-term future rather than making it about you and your XP. Even if your XP is proven not to be the biological father, it in no way negates his role to date, and you can still treat him as the father in every way that counts.

If you find that your DS is not your XP's biological child, are you able to find the other man? Do you think he would want to be involved?

This is a very difficult situation for everyone involved. For that reason, I think you have to go with what's in your DS's interests, not yours or your XPs, however difficult that may make things. With any luck, the test would simply prove that DS is your XPs and simplify everything. However, if he's not I think your DS would resent you for keeping such a big 'truth' about his life secret. Most research about adopted children suggests that they deal much better when they are told the truth (in an age-appropriate way) straight from the start. If they feel their parents have 'lied' to them (however well-intentioned) it seems to make them doubt other aspects of the relationship.

Good luck.

You have just confirmed what I already know.
Also doing it now will save DS from confusion in the future as he's too young to understand.

Its just getting the ball rolling that i'm terrified of. How the first contact will go...'Hey, I slept with you a few years ago'. Oh God.

Yes I know the other man, he is a friend of a friend. The thing is I saw him while I was pregnant and I do wonder if he ever thinks about the possibility he's the father.

I'm surprised nobodies come forward with any personal experiences, because although its not a brilliant situation to be in, I doubt I'm the only one!

Thankyou hariboegg for the link!