Advice needed re: Abusive ex and DD2 - (sorry, quite long)

[Cloudbase]

Hi,

I really need some advice, because I feel as though I've made all sorts of mistakes since separating from my abusive ex, and I'm not sure what to do now.

We were together 7 years, married for 5, and although some abuse came out when we were married, most of it happened after our two children were born (DD1 age 4 and DD2 age 2.5). Mostly it was verbal and emotional but a couple of violent incidents, (he throttled me and after DD was born, punched me in the face) and he has also threatened violence and once threatened to kill me. He was also quite nasty to the kids, used to scream and yell at DD2 that he was a "f*ing little shit" and would smash things and throw things in front of them which used to really scare them. He also continually threatened to get the kids taken away from me if I left him, using the fact that I used to have mental health issues with depression (over 10 years ago) as a lever and a reason why no-one would believe me.

I finally rang Women's Aid last May (2009) who advised me to leave him as they thought he sounded dangerous. He moved out, and tbh, I was so relieved afterwards that I didn't take any legal advice or put anything official in place. Since then he has had contact twice a week but always came round to mine as he was living in staff accommodation and it wasn't ideal for the children. Although he's been okay with the kids, he started opening my mail, reading my e-mails and deleting my phone messages; he also continued to be argumentative and sometimes quite aggressive with me in my home, to the point where I have been feeling really oppressed and sick at him coming over. He has also consistently sent me aggressive texts whenever things don't go his way.

After speaking to my GP and HV, I told him that he would have to start having the kids over at his place, which seemed to be okay for a while. However, for the last few weeks he has continually made excuses from leaking radiators to building work, why he can't have them there and has started coming back to my flat again.

Anyway, yesterday when I was talking to the kids about taking them over to see him, DD2 said that he didn't want to go. When I asked him why, he said that he was scared of Daddy because he hurt him. I couldn't get much more out of him, and didn't pressure him, but did ask again about an hour later just to double check. This time he said "I don't like Daddy" and "He hit me" and when I asked him where he had hit him, he started banging his chest and tummy. He has never said anything negative about his dad before (he was only 1 when he left) so I was really shocked. Anyway, I cancelled the contact for today, and rang my ex to explain why. He immediately got really angry and has been bombarding me with texts and phone calls since then telling me I am seriously mentally ill, need help, people at work have been saying I am mentally ill, I am ruining his life, etc etc.

I am going to phone our HV tomorrow for advice and also my solicitor - I am in the middle of filing for divorce - but I feel really stupid as I feel like I have allowed this to happen. If I had taken legal action when he actually left, could I have avoided this? When I started divorce proceedings earlier this year, my solicitor suggested supervised contact in a centre, but I said no, as I thought he would be okay with them. I just feel really guilty and feel like this situation is my fault for letting him come over to see the children and trusting that he would be okay. (they both love him, esp DD1)

I really don't know what to do for the best. Any advice please, as I feel really guilty that I have allowed this to happen, and don't know if it is too late to do anything to stop it (but not sure what). What also doesn't help is that I am still scared of him, and hate doing/saying things that I know will make him angry. I'm just going round in circles at the moment, so any advice very gratefully received.

Your first duty is now to protect your children and then yourself. You know he has been violent before, either your child is telling you about something that has actually happened to him or something your child remembers seeing happen to you.

I would get your solicitor to write that he can have supervised contact or none at all. Sounds like you may need an injunction against him as well; your solicitor can sort this out for you.

This will probably make him angry but as long as you get some protection in place, if he turns up you can get him arrested.

He needs help if he ever wants any kind of relationship with his children. You need to keep them safe until he gets that help and shows he can change.

Don't let him in, if he turns up, call the police. Keep a record of any abusive phone calls etc.

good luck and don't be hard on yourself for not acting sooner. The police, courts etc are usually sympathetic in realising just how difficult it is to break away from men like this and how hard it is to take the first step.

Start making a diary of everything that happens, all the email's and texts, things your ExP says, and things your children say such as being hit. Should make it easy for Solicitor, Social Services and the Police to asses the situation. Does sound very much like the children are 'at risk'.

Thanks. It took me such a long time to realise what was happening to me because it was a bit of a slow burn before we had children - the odd comment here or there, and the odd bit of unreasonable behaviour. We had already had children before he really unleashed his anger on me, and it took a while to get up the courage to leave him. I think after that, it was such a relief to not be walking on eggshells, that it became an end in itself, and I didn't really think any further forward. I did tell him that if he went on an abusers course (there is one run locally to us) that we could talk about a future together, but there was always a reason why he didn't do it.

For a while I was lulled into a false sense of security aqs he did modify his behaviour for a while, but then latterly, just became scared of him again and his reactions to things. I guess the bottom line is that I started to feel as though it was 'too late' to take any of these actions. (I.e as I didn't do it when we first split, I somehow don't have the 'right' to do it now) - does that make sense?

Don't beat yourself up and don't feel guilty. You have done your very best. Now that this has happened you have stopped contact which is right. Look after yourself Nd your children and don't let him pressure you .