Moving in with new partner and then possibly moving away from Exh

[McCharlieMouse]

Arghh....why is life so complicated! Sorry long. I've posted in relationships as well as its a bit of both!!

So wise mumsnetters I need a bit of advice. Currently I'm a single parent to 2.5 yr old DS. Ex H and I split up within 8 weeks of DSs birth. Ex H sees DS one night every week and then every other weekend (Sat am - Sun pm). I have an ok relationship with Ex, its civil and we discuss DS.

Much to my surprise I met a lovely man online (it does work!) about a year ago. Things have been going well and we've recently been talking about moving in together, which we are both really excited about. DP finds the stepfather role pretty scarey (understandable!) but he and DS do get on well. This weekend we started talking about the future and DP said he wants to move away from the town we live in now. He's an outdoorsy type and has always wanted to live closer to the Peak District. I sort of knew this but didn't realise how much he wanted it. I'm worried now about DP moving in as I'd never really considered moving away and am not sure I'm in position to move anyway. Obviously I don't want DP to move in then move out again. We're doing lots of talking through things (maybe too much?!) but last night got a bit emotional and we didn't know what to do.

Its all quite theoretical, DP wanting to move to the Peaks isn't an immediate thing - we're not talking next week or anything, maybe in a year or so, maybe 2 years. But basically he doesn't see his future in the town we are in now.

So advice on a couple of things....does DP move in and we see how things go. Both of us realise things might change or do we need to resolve this now?

And...I feel incredibly guilty thinking about moving DS away from his father. Ex H lives about 10 mins away at the moment. I feel quite trapped, how have other people dealt with this? How do the logistics of being somwehere in the region of 1.5hrs away from Exh work for DS visits (I would be thinking every other weekend Fri - Sun and holiday time....DS not at school yet but when he goes half of school holidays)?

Any advice/ experiences would be appreciated.
Thanks.

Personally, i'd let your partner move and you commute at weekends for a good while. A year is not longer enough to relocate with a man you have never lived with, fine if it was just you but totally unfair on your DS. Not only would you be moving him away from his father but also his friends, school and adding a new house and partner as well.

If the situation was reversed would you be happy not to see your DS for 11 days out of 14? I suspect not.

Do you expect your exH to start commuting the 3 hour pickup and drop off a well?

You are both parents and your child has rights too, totally unfair that you get what you want at the expense of your child and his father.

I think that response is a bit harsh, a 2.5yo doesn't have attachments to friends and school that need to be taken into consideration.

As you said in your post, it's not an immediate thing and I would start living together first and then talk about the future when you see how that goes. If it comes to it, you can talk to his dad about how it is going to work. Lots of families live in different areas and it can work very well.

My dad was in the navy when I was your DS's age, I often didn't see him for 4-6 months at a time. This continued right through my childhood. I knew he was my dad and he loved me and he kept in touch as much as he could and we are still very close now that I'm past 40. Distance doesn't have to wreck a relationship.

Thanks for the response Happy Mummy,
Just to clarify the move isn't imminent its still theoretical. DP and I have been talking about him moving in, in the town we currently live (and Ex H lives in). At some point in the future DP wants to move away and nearer the Peak District. I suppose my question was about whether DP should move in at all knowing that at some point he wants to move away. At the moment I don't know whether I want to move nor do I know what is best for DS.

I have no expections or even thoughts yet about how drops offs/ picks ups would work.

I know that DS is the priority but is it realitic to expect ExH and I to live in the same town till he leaves home?!

Thanks Lilac, cross posted with you while trying to clarify things for HappyMummy!

Personally i think to move your child away from your ex would be wring for your child.

The poster who said 2.5 yo don't form attachments to friends is wrong.

I didn't say that they don't form attachments, only that they are not sufficient reason to stay in a particular area. Children don't even remember their pre-school friends and carers, on the whole, unless they continue to see them regularly.

Rubbish lilac, sorry. I have many clear memories from that age.

Let's not turn this into a personal attack, since it won't help the OP.

I'm not attacking . Just disagreeing. I hope different perspectives will help the op in her decision.

1.5 hrs away really isn't that far if money isn't really tight and you can both drive. If as you say you're happy for your Ex to have your DS on overnight trips etc then its really not that big an issue.

My Ex left when my two were 1 and 3. I met a lovely man online (a couple of years on), we married, brought a house and are 40mins - 1 hour away from Ex. Actually closer than where he first moved when he left.

The midweek visit dropped off when the DS's started school - the logic of working and then having to pick the kids up feed them etc when they're really tired just didn't work so we have weekday phone/ skype calls and longer weekend visits plus holiday visits.

The key appears to be keeping communication open so that at no time the Ex feels like they are being shut out and not forgetting you have a right to happiness too. To be the best for your children you also need to do a bit of what is right for you.

Good luck to you.

I don't see how you can make a decision now- time changes things anway, and you have to figure out first whether you even like living together or not. It sounds like trying to 'sort it' now might mean ending the relationship- bit OTT isn't it. Moving your son away from exH- it's not that far, but would be better when DS is a bit older perhaps so that he remembers who exH is from visit to visit, but if you're going to move, I'd advise doing it before school starts if possible.

Your thoughts and views are all appreciated. I posted here and in 'relationships' and the range of viewpoints has been really useful. I think fridascruffs hits the nail on the head...I'm trying to answer all questions now and what we actually need to test out is whether we're any good at living with each other and then take it from there!