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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Can anyone give me some advice please?

25 replies

HarbourSeal · 20/11/2010 21:05

I'm a 24 year old single mother to a 3 year old daughter. I work 16 hours a week, volunteer with the NHS, and I am full-time at college and hoping to get into medicine at some point. I have recently started (officially) going out a lovely man (the situation was quite complicated for a while) who is aware of daughter dearest and has met her a few times.

Anyway, we went out today, the three of us, and I was planning to get some dinner for us at TGIs. It was all going well until we went to a little kiddy place and dear daughter flipped when we left. He was standing there being (silently) disapproving and when I left to get the train (we couldn't have dinner after that) he mentioned that she was "spoilt".

I am really very upset by this and I don't know why. I'm appalled by her behaviour in front of him (it's not the first time this has happened, but I managed to calm her down last time), appalled that he commented on it (even though I forced it out of him) and powerless to stop it since I am not the only adult involved in her life (My mum and family help me out, as well as the nursery and childminder).

Anyway, he's being slightly frosty with me now, and I feel alone and tearful and there's no one to talk to about this right now.

OP posts:

Meglet · 20/11/2010 21:10

If he isn't mature enough to realise that your DD will be unsettled when her mum has a new bf then he might be a bit of a loser. Any smart guy would realise that toddlers do so love to kick off at the worst moment.

Have you had chance to speak to him and explain that it's what 3 year olds do and not a reflection on your parenting (which considering you are studying and working sounds bloody impressive ).

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 20/11/2010 21:11

Does he have children of his own? If not, he may not understand the difference between "spoilt" and "normal" behaviour in a three yo.

mjinhiding · 20/11/2010 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

HarbourSeal · 20/11/2010 21:18

NO he does not have children of his own :) but he said he would've "handled it differently". He had good parents, as have I, but lots of the time I just feel like I'm making it up as I go along. I feel like the world's worst parent right now.

I think I'm mainly upset as I haven't seen a lot of DD and BF this week, and this was the only way I could spend time with them and it ended up horribly wrong despite the majority of the day going well (his words as well). But there are times when I dread taking her out.

OP posts:

englandsmistress · 20/11/2010 21:18

Gosh... year old in tantrum shocker! You terrible parent you.

I'm guessing this guy can't have a lot of experience with kids? If he is really worth it then just carry on and hope he works out that its normal.

But my guess is he isnt. It shouldnt be hard this early on in the relationship.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 20/11/2010 21:21

Ha, we all make it up as we go along!

Ask him how he would have handled it, and see how you feel about his suggestions. He might not be a total fuckwit, you had to drag it out of him after all.

Original poster

HarbourSeal · 20/11/2010 21:22

He is worth it, otherwise I wouldn't bother.

Don't start me on difficulties early on in a relationship, he's about to go away for a year to America to do research for his PhD...

What experience he has with kids, he has from his married sisters children, one of whom is DD's age and doesn't tantrum around him.

I would quite like to swap children for a day I think.

OP posts:

Original poster

HarbourSeal · 20/11/2010 21:32

OldLadyKnowsNothing, if I could like your comment a la facebook I would.

He has been known to be an arse sometimes I think I would just like his approval over my parenting style (Er, style? What style?) and for him to realise that if he's such a bloody perfect parent then tell me what he'd do in such a situation, especially if I'm asking you!?

I think playdates will have to be kept apart from now on. Just means less time for everything.

DD calls the BF "mummy's best friend". She has no real concept of boyfriends yet.

OP posts:

MollieO · 20/11/2010 21:34

I'd much rather have a sparky, interesting and lively child than one that does what they are told all the time. 3 yr old's tantrums don't last forever even if it feels like it at the time.

I would hate to be with someone whom I felt was continually judging my parenting skills and commenting on the apparent lack of them.

If he is so marvellous then why didn't he attempt to distract her from her tantrum rather than just criticise your parenting?

Doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

Original poster

HarbourSeal · 20/11/2010 21:39

He said that it wasn't "his problem"... Not in a bad way, he just doesn't want to overstep any boundaries.

I am making him sound like a bastard I fear.

OP posts:

hariboegg · 20/11/2010 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MollieO · 20/11/2010 21:42

If he sees it as not 'his problem' how do you know that his sister's child is the non-tantruming variety? Is that is what he has told you or is that what you have observed for yourself? If the latter than you may be correct re boundaries but if the former he is being very judgey in a rather unpleasant way.

Being a single parent is hard work but I'd rather do it on my own than have someone tagging along to criticise me - that is what my mother is for!

SuePurblybiltByElves · 20/11/2010 21:42

Honestly? If anyone criticised my parenting or my DD he'd be gone.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 20/11/2010 21:42

Hmm, but I can see his point; he's about to disappear for a year so it really isn't his business to be disciplining your child. And even if he was going to be around, it's very early in your relationship for him to be stepping in.

Yes, maybe you'll have to keep them apart. :(

CubaCat · 20/11/2010 21:53

You are not making him out to sound like a bastard, he did that himself. How dare he describe a child he's only met 'a few times' as spoilt, and how dare he criticise your parenting. All three year olds tantrum and by god, it can be hard to deal with. He is childless and as such knows nothing of such things.

By all means keep seeing this guy if he's as 'lovely' as you say he is but the fact that he said that and is now 'being slightly frosty' would ring major warning bells for me. His behaviour sounds childish and somewhat passive aggressive.

Original poster

HarbourSeal · 20/11/2010 21:55

Yes, it seems so. Oh well. Less time for me. I think this is the right route to take. I also don't think he realises that DD being out and about and DD in her home are different people entirely. But we can leave that until after next year.

I can study on the train to his until then. :)

OP posts:

MollieO · 20/11/2010 22:06

How much time will you be spending with him when he is in the US? If you aren't confident that you can spend time with him and your dd together what will you do when you visit him?

Original poster

HarbourSeal · 20/11/2010 22:10

HAHA. No, unfortunately, it is unlikely I will be able to visit him due to the expense and the busy life I have right now. We are giving it a shot, and I'm pretty sure he'll visit back, and if it all goes to pot, hey ho, at least we tried right?

Until he comes back, there are letters to write, e-mails to send, skype to use... The last one might come in particular use.

I am feeling a lot better after unburdening myself. Thanks guys :)

OP posts:

MollieO · 20/11/2010 22:19

Having done it pre-dc it is incredibly hard keeping a long distance relationship going, especially with a time difference. And we saw each other every two or three months.

I would think long and hard about investing energy in someone who seems to have so little regard for you and your dd.

whiteandnerdy · 20/11/2010 23:27

Hold on peoples, I was dropped into my DSS life when he was 5 maybe 6 years old, armed only with the parenting skills obtained from my childhood experiances. I'm so aware of the mistakes I've made after bringing up two other children from birth, and I'm also aware of the mistakes I still make even now.

You have to realise the amount of expert knowlege you've accumulated over the years about your child and parenting in general. And from a very small snapshot your BF gets the wrong impression and comes to the wrong conclusion.

Clearly it's going to piss you off if someone with no real knowlege of what there talking about and how hard you have to work, criticises you. Do people in relationships talk about their feelings these days or is it not cool? You say you don't know why your upset, surly you need to let your BF know and work through why you feel the way you do with him. And then work out how your BF feels, is he full of apprehension and unease about what his boundaries and rolls, maybe your daughters perception of him. Does he really have expectations of parenting so completely different to your own, remember it's not just how this incident has made you feel I'm sure your BF has feelings, just need to work out if he can express them honestly.

Pahh, anyway what the hell do I know of relationships, I'm rubbish with peoples. But I do agree with people saying long distance relationship are not easy, they do have a tendency to fall apart.

MollieO · 21/11/2010 12:02

I think the BF has no difficulty expressing his feelings - he called the OP's dd 'spoilt'. I think that is pretty clear. He also has made it clear that the other 3 yr old he knows (his neice) doesn't behave like this, ie he is confirming to the OP that he knows how 3 yr olds behave and because of that knowledge he is able to judge that hers is spoilt.

It also means she feels the need to keep bf and dd separate. I can understand that when you are at the early stages of a relationship - you do it to protect your dcs. But the OP obviously thought it was the right time to introduce her dd to her bf and this is her bf's reaction. Not good at all.

TheChamomileLawn · 21/11/2010 12:07

To be fair, I would have thought the same before I had children, but I would have kept my thoughts to myself.

whiteandnerdy · 21/11/2010 12:39

He-he-he TheChamomileLawn, what this, hold the front page, man in 'insensitive comment shocker' .

As a male of the species I feel I certainly punch above my weight in terms of insensitive and foot in mouth comments.

MollieO · 21/11/2010 14:45

It is a one off insensitive comment though is it? Everyone's entitled to do that, male of female. It is the fact that there is a history and the result means the OP feels inadequate about her parenting and thinks she needs to keep her bf and dd separate.

MollieO · 21/11/2010 14:47

That should be it isn't rather than it is!

I would hope that if I met a childless partner they would try and be supportive.

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