I so don't want to be here...(sorry its long).

[Allalone0]

Sorry for the really long post.

Im back, feeling really really shitty.

I posted back in June about how i felt like i was a failure, cos I no longer live with dc's dad due to fears that he had been abusing our dd.

I have been trying to keep my head up and carry on getting through each day one at a time.

Have not expected anything from my unsupportive family as much as that hurts.
Since June SS have been involved and decided that there was not alot they could do in terms of helping us. They left it for us as Adults to sort out when and where contact will take place.
I was told by SW that he will be ringing me to arrange it, but nothing. All i got was him continuing to just turn up at the door as and when he felt like it. I stayed quiet.

Last monday I began a teaching course so as to try and eventually get a job and earn enough money to provide for my kids, as he gives money whenever he feels like it. I have been a SAHM for 13yrs now.

I was really tired as it was my 1st day at college, i just wanted to be able to relax. Which i cant do if he is there as i have to supervise him when he is around my dd.

Despite this he stayed for 3hrs, the next day i rang him to try and CALMLY speak to him whilst dc's were at school. But he just went off on one saying that I just didn't want him to be there.

He didnt bother to come round or call the dc's. for a whole week. Then i took dd to see him at my mums where he is staying. And he said not to bring her round ever again.
He then went onto say that it was only bcos of me that he was saying that. That really hurt, bcos despite everything I have so been trying to stay reasonable and put my dc's happiness first.

He then went on to accuse me of walking around naked as i no longer cover my head or wear traditional asian clothes. All in front of my brother to try and make me look like the bad one again.

He hasnt given me any money for 2wks now, which i was trying not to get upset about but cant help feeling stresssed.

I have been trying to go it alone and thought i was coping. Till today when I had abit of a disagreement with my sis. It felt like that was the 'straw that broke the camels back'.

I just broke down and have been crying all day. She didnt help by interrogating me over why i had changed the way i dress. She accused me of 'making up about the abuse' just to get him out of the house. Which is so not true.:-(

I feel like I am not good enough, I cannot do anything right. Maybe if i wasnt here everyone would be alot happier.

oh sweetheart, sounds like you're having really hard time.(((()))

I was trying my best to just get on with things. Looking and planning for the future.

Why can't they just leave me to do just that?

Why make things harder for me then they already are? Im not hurting anyone.

they are not good for you,
they are not helping-supporting you,
they are upsetting you.
if i were you i would stay away from all of them.
do you have good friends?

you are doing your best sweetheart (((((hugs))))) they have their expectatiosn of how things would turn out and they are tkaing out their disappointment on you which is extremely unfair.

can you contact a solicitor (they will talk to you in confidence and you can get your letters sent elsewhere if this would be problem for you), most offer a free half hour or hour's consultation to see which of the solicitors in the practice would be best placed to help you and if you can qualify for legal aid (or whatever it's called at the moment).

you will find plenty of support on here sweetheart xxx

*expectations

Thanks Aurora and Noraa.
I have found MN has helped me to stay sane in the past when I have posted on here. For which I am grateful.

In fact when reading through my last post. It seems like all that was going on back then, is still going on. In terms of him trying to break me and my family joining in....:-(

I guess because I seem to have moved on somewhat, I assumed that they and him in particular would have done so too. But I guess they havent.

@Noraa I never really had any friends except for some of the mums that i would talk to at dc's school.
But i do have 1 friend in particular who I met whilst taking part a support group. This is what my sis was also giving me grief abt bcos my friend is not the same colour as me and she seems to think that my friend is the reason behind the 'change' that they see in me. I guess they are looking for a scapegoat.

it does seem that they are looking for a scapegoat. as you know, friends don't always have to look the same and act the same, it's easy for me to say that - says she having spent most of her life trying to fit in with other people's expectations of me but i have learned that it makes me unhappy - it is other people's responsibilty to make themselves un/happy NOT yours ((((((()))))))

I was born a muslim and still am, (others may care to disagree with that).

Dont get me wrong, i havent turned my back on my religion. I just refuse to believe in and follow the twisted male viewpoint of religion.

This past year has motivated me to look at and assess the relationship i have with God. I feel that ONLY he has the right to judge me noone else.

@Aurora I have spent almost my whole life trying to live upto the expectations of my parents being the eldest child. Trying to be the perfect role model for my siblings.

Somehow being the first-born and a girl. I have to be perfect, and without fault.

after the row i had with my sis it seems that what she and my family find difficult to stomach is the 'CHANGE' they see in me.

I would have thought that them being MY family they would be cool with whatever as long as i was safe and happy.
I can understand HIM (my ex) having a problem with seeing me getting it together and moving on with my life, trying to make a better future for me and my kids.

I mean Im meant to be NOTHING without HIM. Thats not how it works. Is it? I should be a broken woman and crawl back to him, not be strong and survive on my own.

I just wanted to write to say you're doing an absolutely wonderful job. I searched for your older posts and you have been so brave in leaving your husband and protecting your daughter.

Even when you don't have so much stress going on in your life, it is really painful to feel unsupported by your family. So I can't imagine how much pain you are feeling at the moment, it must be awful. You would have the support and admiration of most people outside your immediate family/ some members of your culture. If you're not getting support from your loved ones, are there places you can turn to beyond them? Free community services, strengthening the friendships/ acquaintances you already have, trying your best to make friends in your new course? Then you can have others to lean on, which would make such a difference. If I lived near you I would be very happy to provide support, you sound like a lovely person!

I'm worried by your saying that maybe it would be better if you were no longer here. How strongly do you feel that? What can you do to talk about/ examine those feelings with someone? I know that for one, your children need you, you are their protector. You are experiencing a lot of pain at the moment, but you're a wonderful and strong person and there are ways of making this situation better!

Thank you so much Pigglesworth....thats very sweet of you. MNetters are definitely what have helped to keep me sane.

My children are my will to live. They are what make me more determined to stay alive. About not wanting to be here. The despair i felt with my situation was alot more intense last year. But I couldn't go ahead with anything because of my Religion. What i felt on saturday was a minor setback. Just felt like things were getting on top of me.

Lack of support paired with harrassment from my family and ex didnt help. It just made an already difficult thing worse.

I am seeing a counsellor for myself, and she really is great. My dd is having play therapy which will be soon coming to an end.

morning allalone i'm glad you're getting the help you need am sorry i can't post more today xx

Hi allalone, I remember your earlier posts, and I think you're doing a fantastic job in standing up for your dcs. Your family and your ex want you to crawl back into a little box and be the "good girl", but you're not doing that - you're the lionness protecting her cubs!

Glad you're seeing a counsellor and she's helping you. I think you have to let go of the hope that your family is ever going to be proud of you for being independent and coping on their own. At some level, they are very threatened by that.

I'm a bit concerned that your ex can turn up at your door when he feels like it, and can choose when to give you money or not. You don't have to put up with that. Have you thought of trying CSA for the money? And insisting on a contact centre? Unfortunately if you do those things, there will be a backlash from him and probably your family, so it's up to you to decide if the long-term gain is worth the short-term hassle.

Whatever you decide, I don't think you're a failure - I think you have stood firm despite huge family/cultural pressure, and your DD especially will thank you for the rest of her life.

You are so incredibly strong for what you are doing, in the face of your family's wrath, I take my hat off to you!

I think it would help you to get in touch with organisations that specifically help women in your situation, have you heard of this one?

www.southallblacksisters.org.uk/index.html