Can I rant about the ex and contact? [angry]

[gingercrls]

I seriously am just so frustrated. I was married to this guy for 12 years, with him for 14. Last year basically everything went to hell. We have been separated since March and I found out it July/Aug he was seeing a woman with 2 kids. I think it began around May.

Anyway, he does no 'parenting' of our dd (8 1/2), just visits when it is convenient to him (takes her to movies, zoo - buys her presents. 10am to 5pm once every 2 weeks or 6 weeks whichever her prefers). He ignores my texts and emails. Has never given me an answer as to why the marriage is over, never addressed the fact that I am hurt and upset by it all as is his daughter. So recently, I gave him a taste of his own medicine and ignored him when he emailed asking (2 days before - despite my repeated requests for regular contact so everyone knows whats what) to see dd last weekend. He did not take the bait, just emailed dd to say 'oh well, moms not answering so I can't come and see you'

Today, I get a 'can I come and see (daughter) and if it's ok with be there at 10. thanks'.

Well, we have made plans, so not it's not ok. I did actually ask DD and she preferred to carry on with our plans and said for me to 'just say she is busy'. But poor thing is crying to me tonight that he must not love her because he left. Why did he leave? Why doesn't he see her anytime other than weekends? Why doesn't he want to live near her? (he is 3 hours away near (or possibly living) with gf. Why doesn't he email her or phone her?

Thing is, I'd like to tell him to 'p' off. I seriously hate the way he thinks he can treat us. This is hurting our child and he is too stupid to realize it. He doesn't have money to take me to court if I decided to cut contact. But, when dd is upset, I feel like I must push my feelings aside and allow contact. He will not change his behaviour. He does not want to move to be near DD (despite saying she is 100% more important to him than anyone else). He is like an immature child over it all. I seriously can't believe I was married to this freak. BTW, he has cut off contact with everyone since our split, friends, his family. He is only seeing gf. And dd, occasionally.

Grrrrrrr. I'd like to kick him where it hurts. I've text him tonight telling him what a prick I think he is. Won't make any difference. sigh.

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Have you been to mediation? I tried it with XP and the woman running the session was very clear that the children must come first and there needs to be a regular schedule of visits with some flexibility for special occassions.

If your XP is being an insensitive git and upsetting your DD then maybe you need to put your foot down to make him realise he can't mess her around.

Thanks for your reply. No, not been to mediation. At this point I don't even want to ever see him again. Grrr.

I definitely want the regular contact so everyone knows where they stand and most importantly, DD knows when he is coming instead of 'if' he is coming. What is he thinking and how can he not feel guilty about his behaviour. Makes me sick.

Can't seem to make him see how his behaviour is unacceptable.

ginger, I'm sorry that I have no advice to give, but wanted to empathise as that sounds horrid.

Meglet how do you go about arranging mediation and who does it? Not something that applies to me, but I know many people who could possibly benefit.

google family meidaiton and your home town or look on resolution website for lawyers who do mediation. you have to pay but may get legal aid.

op -calling him a prick by text is engaging with him and while satistfying it doesnt help...

you need ot be very factual and striaghtforward "let's agree a schedule for when you will see DD over next three months i propose xxday and xx day"

"takes her to movies, zoo - buys her presents." - well it isnt a problem as such - nothing wrong with doing those things. if that is what eh is going to be as a dad so be it...your DD needs to get used to living ehr life with you and ahving these occasional visits. dont raise expectations...

offer him series of dates over next three months by email and for conrimation when eh will come.

offer him mediaitonse ssion to discuss it.

take it from there

I would ditto the replies about mediation, but it will only work if both parties want to to work. Unfortunately in my situation, my XP refused mediation and as a result hasnt had ANY contact with the children for 4 years (apart from the odd birthday card and nasty letter rubbing their noses in it). Its hard for children to understand why daddy doesnt want to see them, but as long as you let your DD know that you are not standing in his way and trying your upmost to ensure contact is maintained there isnt much more your can do. Obviously you have your daughters interests at heart and your XP being male thinks more of himself!