Ex and use of my house for visits

[trickycat]

I don't know if I need advice or a moan...

H and I separated 6 months ago. He is staying in dismal accommodation which is not suitable for the DC. Therefore he comes here to visit the DC.
I am starting to have a problem with this because I feel he is not making any strides with finding better accommodation for himself. But adding to this is his subtle ways of checking what I am up to. For example the other day he checked my new message on the answer machine. He uses the computer while I am not here and I think he knows which websites I use. I have now changed all passwords to sites I use because I think he is using them to 'spy' on me ( a bit overdramatic I know) I also do some creative writing which I think he is accessing.
DC were off school yesterday and he came here to look after them. DC told me he spent half the day on the computer and also had a nap on the sofa
What can I do?

Say you are no longer happy for him to see the dc in your home and he will have to make alternative arrangements.

Alot of men have nowhere to go, hence softplay, cinema, restaurants etc being used.

Hell would freeze before I let my ex into my home!!

Tell him he has to take them out like other dads do!

I know that is the logical step but I think he would crack if I said that to him. he is struggling with the situation even though he had taken responsibility for how we have ended up here.

Stay in the house while he's there?

How long does he come for - is it feasible for him to take dc out to a park for example? Does he have friends or family nearby who he can visit/can use their house?

Meanwhile, password the internet and put the answerphone/all the phones in your bedroom, or just hide them somewhere.

You could put keylogger software on your pc to check if it's been used and which sites etc he's been on. If it's a laptop, hide it along with the phones. Cheeky fucker.

I think the crap accommodation could be an excuse to come to your house and check up on you too. I'd be tempted to leave some boxer shorts on a clothes horse, and put an extra toothbrush and some shaving foam in the bathroom too.....OK I wouldn't actually do it, but it's tempting, isn't it?

Well you both need to move on, and part of that is him respecting that the relationship is over completely and it is your home and he isn't a part of that set up anymore.

It sounds like something you need to do tbh.

Hmmm, I'm in a similar situation actually... If you are not unhappy with him being in your home, per se - I would still address the privacy issues, he is bang out of order checking messages etc. My Husband (seperated) even asks if he can use the loo etc.
I am doing something next week which means he is effectively babysitting for the day at my house - and I am not happy with it, but I justify it to myself that it is the only way I can do the thing it is I need to do. Also, the kids will be happy to see him. He has 3 trains to get here, and there is an event on 11th Dec it would make sense if he stayed over etc, but there is no way - he'll be travelling up and travelling back - even though it wouldn't at all be a hassle to me really if he kipped on the sofa It's the PRINCIPLE

I would insist that he goes elsewhere too. I would never have allowed my ex into my home, checking all my private data was one of my fears. You say he will crack but I would crack myself if I had someone spying on me in my own home. He has no right to be there and he can't demand it.

I have known single dads who have taken their children back to shared accommodation. It's not ideal but if it's fine for him to live in then it surely can't be that bad for an afternoon.

What I thinkI'm trying to say is - even if the relationship is still amicable - boundaries need to exist. My H asked if he could come over randomly midweek, as well as taking kids at weekend, and whilst I said I couldn't stop him, I effectively said no - It was pointless a long and expensive journey that just disrupted routine and was unneccesary - it just mean him sitting around my house for a few hours! - his choice to live on his mothers settee!

When my ex husband moved out I has a small lock built in to my bedroom door. It meant that when he did come to see the boys and use the bathroom ( he did this trick a lot) then I could hide private things in my room.

It will take some time but you start to learn how to handle him.

Good luck and stay strong, it is great in the long run x

Actually it is one of my worries that he has installed a key logger to track what I am typing. How could I check this?

I don't think you can, you could try using an anti-spyware but it stillmight not help. Make sure you change all you passwords, itmight help.

Have had similar troubles but my Ex also now asks to make a drink/use the loo. He used to just wander round, read my mail, move stuff around - drove me mad. Can't help really as I just told him to stop and he did. Sorry .
I'd be interested to know about the spyware though.

you won't find the keylogger, they are totally hidden, but you can easily just password protect the whole computer so he can't log on at all.

If he's supposed to be spending time with his dc, why is he using your computer? Set up a password to log in so he can't get in! Or disconnect the Internet cables while he is there!!

He may have installed software such that the keylogger info is sent to him, or he can access your computer remotely, passwords or not.

I don't know much about it so I would go through yellow pages to find a nearby computer repair shop and ring them, see if they can help to see if there is keylogger software, and then remove it.

he wont make any effort to move while you still alow him to visit at your place. he wont stop spying til tyou set the boundaries.

yes you could put lock on your bedroom door but maybe is time to make it clear - he doesnt see them at your place. is up to him to find suitable accomodation.

how old are the DC?

Create a User ID for your laptop with a password so that to even get started after switching the thing on he'd need to know your password to get any further. Then get it checked by a PC expert. Also, get a small safe, B&Q and Homebase do them, put it in the bottom of a wardrobe and put anything you want to keep private or any valuables in there.

And tell him he cannot be in your house unsupervised to see the kids. He's taking the mick - on the laptop spying and kipping on the sofa, hardly quality time with DCs is it!

my H ALWAYS wants to use the loo when he brings the dc back. Its like a dog marking its place. pisses me off !

I make him take the dc out. Hes not babysitting in my home as I don't trust him at all

Until you get round to doing onebyoneNOTfourbyfour's suggestions, remove as much cabling as you can from the machine and take it out of the house when you go out. Let him know you have done this and that he needn't bother looking for them.