To teach me a lesson he has done this?

[mummytowillow]

Let down his 3 year old daughter this weekend? So now he won't see her for another 3 weeks, making it 6 in total!

'We' had an argument on the phone the other day, he sent me divorce papers on my first day in a new job, knowing I couldn't get to a solicitor as its full time and knowing I can't afford it!

I politely asked him to withdraw them as we are not in a position to get divorced, he agreed. Then two weeks later changed his mind, was very abusive about it and we fell out.

Today I received a letter from him, telling me he couldn't come to see his daughter as he couldn't find 'suitable accommodation'! It took me five minutes to find a luxury B&B near to me for him to stay!

He finally phoned me back and this is what he said 'in future you will think twice about dictating to me, this will teach you a lesson and its up to you to tell our daughter why I'm not coming up, its all your fault'! WTF!

I was distraught, told him I will go elsewhere so he can stay here, I apologised and begged him to come to see her, she is desperate to see him, crying for him etc. He kept repeating this will teach you a lesson, unlucky, its your fault and he admitted he is not coming to punish me. He can't see its her he is punishing

I can't stop crying at the thought he can do this to her, he has two kids with his other ex wife. She made his life a misery, told his kids he was a shit dad, he didn't pay for them etc. She ruled our lives for 7 years, yet he took it all from her and never let his kids down once. I got angry rightly so and he is doing this to our daughter to punish me? I have never once stopped him from seeing her, I've let him stay with me to save money, in fact done everything I possibly can to make things easy for him!

WWYD? Where do I go from here?

What a total cock. I think as he is clearly doing this solely to punish you, possibly the only thing you can do is try not to give him any reaction. He will be feeding off you being upset, sick though that is. If he's willing to put his dd in the middle of this, he clearly has major issues.

I feel very sad for your dd. I don't know what I'd tell her, maybe just that something important has happened and Daddy can't come this weekend.

I don't think you can contest it too much if he wants a divorce tbh. Have you been for a free consultation at a solicitor? You might be entitled to legal aid to help with costs.

Have you been to your local CAB? I couldn't afford a solicitor either so I went to the CAB and they referred me to a local solicitor for a free consultation. They also looked into whether I was entitled to any legal aid. I wasn't but I was determined to divorce x so I did it all myself. There was no dispute over who ds was going to live with but looking back, I would have made x accountable for the debts that we had together as he very happily left me to pay for it all on my own.

As for your dd, my ds was the same age when we/ he went through a similar situation. I also went to stay at friend's so that x could spend the weekend with ds and made countless trips to where x had moved to (over 2 hrs away) to keep the contact going. X didn't lift a finger and didn't see anything wrong with the fact that ds was doing all that travelling - he already did long days at nursery during the week as I work full time. Then one weekend x decided to bring new girlfriend along without telling me and ds was given instructions not to mention it to me. I wasn't jealous at all but how dared he tell my little boy to keep secrets and do something like that in my home?!?!

Perhaps just like what you are going through now, I had no choice but to reassure ds that I loved him unconditionally and that I was going to do everything within my power to ensure that he was ok.

I know only too well how much it hurts to see somebody either trying to use your dc to manipulate the situation or to show complete disregard for a child's feelings and needs. Unfortunately, this is beyond your control. However, what you can do is 'damage limitation' and go on with your lives as best as you can. I know it's incredibly hard and this certainly wasn't what we ever wished for our children but sometimes all we can is to protect them and show them how important they are to us.

For now, like thatsnotmyfruitshoot suggested, it may be best to just say that daddy is a bit busy at the moment. Don't play his game though. Whatever is going on in his mind, he's playing mindgames with you and trying to control the situation.

Well he got you right where he wanted you.
Don't beg him. Don't plead and bend over backwards. You're just adding to his belief that he is in the right and you are in the wrong.

And don't be looking for b&b's for him. He didn't want to come, and now you've made him angry by pointing out that in fact his excuse is bull. So of course he lashes out at you and tries to twist it so that you are the one in the wrong for telling him what to do... Simply say, well there are several options, in fact I know of one with spaces very close by, but if you don't won't to see dd just simply say so.

Yes your dd will be upset, but she's going to be let down a lot by her dad most likely if this is anything to go by. So I'm afraid you need to simply deal with it and reassure her.

If he's prepared to break his promise to her to get back at you then that tells you all you need to know about him. And I wouldn't be too sure that his ex was completely to blame for the difficulties in their relationship. Of course you believed him when he blamed her, but now you see perhaps some of what she did may have been justified pr he may have twisted the truth.

Let his sol pay for the divorce. Get advice from CAB and go see a sol for a free half hour session when you know what questions you need to ask.

Oh and make notes of date/time/ what was said etc on this situation and every thing like this from now on. You will need it later should he take you to court over contact. You need to build up a diary of contact and show how you have tried to facilitate contact but he has simply used it to bully you and isn't actually thinking of his dd's welfare at all.

what gillybean said. you ened to stay calam and cool for your daughter and support her - her dad is going to let her down many times in her life and you need to be there calm and ok about it, not ranting/beggging/pleading.

he wants a divorce - sounds like best plan, so you can set out finance and contact issues.

go see a cousnellor - talk thru strategies for not getting angry and for directing your energies towards you and your dd.