I feel really fucked up at the moment.

[poshsinglemum]

Sorry to go on as am already wallowing on the ''I wish '' thread.

DDs dad phoned up last week and it's really affected me trhis time. i just feel like I have had a baby with someone I don't even know. i don't have a new relatiosnhips. My ''family'' is a mess. poor dd. i'm a mess and I need help. I think there's slmething really badly wrong with me. I make appauling life decisions. I love my dd but the circumstances are wrong and my reasons for getting pregnant were crap. I really wanted a baby but with a mna who loved me ; and he didn't. I knew this but thought a baby would keep us together. I was a desperate idiot.

Lovfe dd but i want better for her.

So you are going to be the very best mum you can be for your DD. You will love her and cuddle her and keep her safe. You will also learn from this. Children come into this world under all kinds of circumstances, including those parents who are devoted and prepared and still end up as single parents. You are the boss of your life and you must not give that power to another human being, including your ex.

Now repeat after me, 'I am the boss of me'.

You are not 'going on' poshsingle, from what I recall, you don't have it very easy, and whatever the reasons for having DD and knowing that the choice was perhaps made retrospectively for the wrong reasons, they were important at the time and you made that decision based on where you were then.

I am 16 months down the line from my DC's father walking out on me, and I though by now I would be OK. But I am not. I like you am a mess.
I am getting help because like you I feel that there is something badly wrong with me.

Accepting that this is going to be a long journey with some twists and turns and bumpy bits helps a little because it takes the pressure off to be OKer than I am.

Can you source some help? I am paying for my own counselling, I was cross at first as I thought in a lot of instances other people had messed me up so why was I paying in so many ways, but it is actually a gift to myself.
Can you do something like that?

It is hard, but accepting that changes might be small and slow, but that you can make them, can also empower you a little.
However bad I feel about where I am now, if I look back to those 16 months ago, myself and my DC's have actually come quite a way forward.

Sometimes I wish their Dad would just evaporate because it is taking a very long time to stop enabling him to mess with my head. And it is all the more easier when I am low or vulnerable.

Take care poshsingle and try to be kind to yourself, even in some small ways.

You aren't fucked up, this is a very very painful process. Surprisingly so..

I find that my ex has a horrible effect on me. I've asked him to not phone and we are communicating by text as it's too painful. I can't be a good mum if I am reduced to tears constantly. May be a good idea to establish some ground rules?

Apart from the rest... she's here, and you love her. Small changes will build into big ones, and I agree that it will empower you.

You can do this.

I knew ds's father for ten years before we started dating. Ds was an accident. He wanted an abortion, I didn't. He left just before the 20 week scan. He has seen Ds once - 10 days old and in NICU and not sure whether he would survive. I have spoken to him about three times in 6 years. First time when Ds was one and I'd survived a terrorist bomb - I wanted to ensure ex wouldn't want custody of Ds if I died. And twice this summer when I discovered ex had stopped paying his paltry £50 per month support. He called Ds the 'non-aborted foetus'.

I wouldn't have chosen my ex to be the father of my child and I would never have chosen to be a single parent. Frankly I wasn't particularly interested in having children at all but couldn't face an abortion (I'd supported a friend to have one many years ago and watched it destroy her).

Ds is fab. Being a single parent when everyone else you know is either married or on good terms with their ex is really hard. Ds gets asked by his friends why he doesnt have a father. Ds gets upset at times but I deal with it. He knows he is loved and I try my best. I think that is the most you can hope for.

It is hard but things do improve. I've found it easier now Ds is at school. I have got some good friends from school which I didn't have before and they don't judge.

Hi everyone. Thanks for all your support. I don't know what I'd do without mumsnet.
The problem is the more ''damaged'' i become; the worse decisions I make and it just goes on and on in a vicious circle. Oh well.

Psm I don't know how old your dd is but it does get easier as they get older. If you can afford it why not get a nanny part time. Just a few hours a week would give you a break. This isn't as expensive ad you might think and would give you a break from the monotony.