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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

My 4 year old daughter is taken out of preschool without my knowledge or consent .... views sought please

24 replies

Portski · 09/11/2010 20:25

Hello......... i'm wondering whether i'm over reacting and made an unnecessary and inappropriate complaint to the Montessori preschool my daughter attends.
I pay for my daughter to attend a local montessor school, i am separated from her father and we live separately. Her father drops her off at school and collects her (as he is able to) at times it can be his mother or sister. I have given permission for these people to be able to collect her after school.

On thursday the 4th of November her father removed her from school at 1pm and i had no idea where she was and only found out at 5:30 that she had not attended school that afternoon. I queried this with her fathern and stated that he shoudl not have done this but have discussed this with me.
The following day Edie suffers a knock to her head, they attempted to call her father but got his voice mail and left a message.

On past ocassions i have verbally asked the school to contact me with regard to welfare and issues concerning her at school as i am often not informed.
This seemed to be ignored so i wrote a formal letter of compliant. Was i right or wrong to have done this?

I met with the school this evening who were emphathetic to my situation however felt that they had acted within there policies and procedures and would not have done anything differently. They agreed that it would have been courtesy to call me to check that it was ok for my child to be removed from school, but did not beleive this to be proper.

What are your thoughts people, have i over reacted?

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BelleDameSansMerci · 09/11/2010 20:33

I think there are two issues here - firstly the removal of your daughter from school and secondly the issue of who is seen as the primary carer in the event of an incident.

Taking the first issue, I can see that it would be very difficult for the school to know that it was inappropriate for your DD's father to remove her from school early without checking with you. If he normally collects her from school and simply turned up early, why would they be suspicious unless you had advised them not to let her go?

The second issue, though, is different. Again, I can see that if your ex normally takes her and picks her up, he might be seen as the person who has the most contact with the school but I think it's absolutely correct that they are corrected and reminded to advise you if anything untoward happens. Again, I suspect this was a simple mistake but it is one that needs to be corrected.

I don't think you've over-reacted by sending a formal letter of complaint.

eaglewings · 09/11/2010 20:41

IMO the school should not be caught in the middle of what is a communication problem between you and dd'd dad.

What you need to do is talk to him about when it is and is not Ok for her to miss preschool.

Could you have done anything if they had contacted you about the injury? If you have a problem with not being contacted, give them a list of which numbers to try in which order, but again, discuss this with dd's dad.

It must be hard for staff caught in the middle of parent's who no longer live together.

moomaa · 09/11/2010 20:45

I think the preschool acted correctly in that they released her to an 'allowed' person and they contacted someone with parental responsibility when there was a problem.

Our school ask for a list of three contacts and what order they should be contacted in case of a problem. You should write such a list and have both you and her dad sign it.

Him taking her early is something you need to address with her Dad.

houseproject · 09/11/2010 20:56

Hi,

Just to clarify - assume the father had contact with the child on that day so took her from school early rather than at the end time? Is that right? Did he take her from school on a 'his' agreed day? If not then I think he has been unfair - it would have been deeply worrying for you if you went to pick her up and she had already gone.

Just so you know sSchools have a duty to act fairly to all parties who have parental responsibility i.e they can be taken to court for discrimation if they choose to favour the female parent. Sadly I think this is communciation between you and your ex - perhaps you both agree to communicate in advance if one parent takes the child from school early (this is more for her education needs than anything else). My guess is you will be more sucessful if you discuss rather than dicate the terms to your ex. If however your ex is removing the child from school on non agreed contact days then I think you will have to apply to court and specify what days you each have access and that only the parent with access can collect froms school

seeker · 09/11/2010 20:59

Would you inform him if you took her out of pre school for the afternoon for some reason?

Original poster

Portski · 09/11/2010 21:04

yes i would, i would have to as he picks her up

OP posts:

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 09/11/2010 21:05

If he has parental responsibility then they have done nothing untoward. You need to confirm with school who should be contacted first in case of emergency and discuss with dad directly why he took her from school.

eaglewings · 09/11/2010 21:07

"i would have to as he picks her up" is a strange response as it would seem to say that if you were picking up, or your Mum, you wouldn't tell him

Double standards or have I mis read your reply?

Original poster

Portski · 09/11/2010 21:14

Thank you for your comments they are warmly received and its always good to have impartial feedback.

I will go with the priority contact list and see if they will agree with this suggestion.

Yes and i fully agree that the matter should be resolved with the father directly. I did not wish to get the school embroiled over what is a communication breakdown between parents but i felt i needed my voice to be heard and prevent any future problems of this nature arising.

i'm glad that i havent over reacted as i really dont like causing problems just felt this matter should not be forgotten or accpeted.

OP posts:

Original poster

Portski · 09/11/2010 21:16

you've misread of course i would inform him he needs to know as much as i do, we both are concerned and involved in her welfare

OP posts:

eaglewings · 09/11/2010 21:25

Niceguy2 · 09/11/2010 21:53

I agree with what others have said so far. With regards to your title that your DD is being taken out of preschool without your knowledge or consent. In fact, if father has parental responsibility, school cannot actually prevent him from doing so. They can ask that he stay there whilst they call you. But he's under no obligation to listen.

At the end of the day, this is not about school but more about the ex doing something you didn't like.

Original poster

Portski · 09/11/2010 22:03

No, its about the school not contacting me with regard to her welfare. I am concerned that my child was so easily removed with out my knowledge and that i am not contacted when there is an accident at the school when i have requested that they contact me with regard to these issues.

OP posts:

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 09/11/2010 22:07

As she was removed by her father, whom I assume has parental responsibility there was no concern for her welfare. They should have contacted someone when she bumped her head though, having not spoken to dad I would have contacted the next peron on the list.

piscesmoon · 09/11/2010 22:12

I think that the school is caught between the pair of you and it puts them in a difficult position. You should have better communication with her father and both of you together explain things to the school.
You are equal parents.

Janos · 09/11/2010 22:28

I don't think the school have done anything wrong here, re your DD being collected by here Dad.

How did you find out she wasn't at school? If you turned up to get her and she wasn't there then I totally understand why you would be upset and concerned - any parent would.

OTOH, if you found out when her dad dropped you off then we are you concerned - unless there is a reason why her dad shouldn't have access for that amount of time? If that's the issue then I think you are being somewhat unreasonable.

Finally, you may want to remove your dd's real name from the original op and repost? Just in case.

Janos · 09/11/2010 22:29

sorry, *her Dad.

Niceguy2 · 09/11/2010 22:34

As I tried to explain earlier. Your ex can remove her from school at will. Your knowledge/consent is not required and legally they cannot stop him.

As for the bump, how serious was it? If it was a minor bump then it's perfectly reasonable to leave a message. If she was unconscious, inconsolable or blood gushing out then yes, their response is unacceptable.

This can easily be fixed by ensuring you are the primary contact or writing on the form that in case of any problems, both parents should be contacted as a matter of course.

Frankly if school called me every time my son bumped his head etc. I'd be forever there. Now if his leg hasn't fallen off I'm not really interested. He can wait til hometime and hop along to the car.

nappyaddict · 11/11/2010 20:09

Were they not in the wrong for not trying to contact the child's mother after she suffered a bump to the head and couldn't get hold of her dad?

fel1x · 11/11/2010 20:30

Depends what the call said tbh.
If it was a voicemail that said 'DD has had a small bump to the head, she is fine now and we are happy to keep her here for the rest of the day but just wanted to let you know' then,no they ddnt also need to call Mum afterwards

nappyaddict · 11/11/2010 20:32

But if Dad had answered he might have said oh I'll come and fetch her to be on the safe side. Surely they should have rung both parents to check they didn't want to collect her?

fel1x · 11/11/2010 20:38

If Dad collects her 100% of the time though (or his Mum) and Mum never has done then I can see why they wouldnt think to call her too and just rely on Dad picking up his voicemail and deciding whether to get DD eaarly. If it was urgent that she be collected then they would prob call the Dads mum or his sister next as they are the other people that do drop off/collections.
Then if he DID decide to go and get her early there would be no need to inform the Mum at all due to a) Dad being the usual picker upper anyway and b) presumably the Dad would tell the Mum and if he doesnt then thats an issue with the parents, not the school!

wouldliketoknow · 11/11/2010 20:42

i had permission to collect my friend's daughter from nursery as she is on her own, completely, if i had gone to get her at any time they would have to let ehr go with me, they advise her that before putting me in the list.

ChocHobNob · 11/11/2010 20:42

The school did nothing wrong with regards to releasing your daughter early to her father. It's not their responsibility to ensure there is sufficient communication between the two of you. You need to take that up with her Dad.

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