Single mum doesn't want to go on living with behaviour of twelve year old. Can she get respite foster care? Advice please.

[birdsfoot]

Does anyone have experience of respite foster care available in the UK, and how to get it?

My step daughter has had no contact with her father (my dh) since April this year. She has always been challenging, but since starting secondary school last year she's become more so.

Until April, she visited us every other weekend, and has at times lived with us full-time. She has however stopped seeing us altogether because of our strict (no, not really) rules on internet use, tv, playstation etc. She was, until she seperated herself from her dad, on an evenish keel (considering the additional mental health problems she's suuffered from since age 6), but has since spiralled downward.

Her mum can't cope and is saying she doesn't want to go on living. Sd refuses to attend school, has been arrested for shoplifting, drinks and smokes in the city centre at night and claims she has sexual relationships with much older girls. And advertises the whole lot on Formspring and facebook. She leaves home at anytime day or night, and when she's brought home by the police is cheeky to them.

We have been berated and excluded by her mother, but want to help if we can. Any advice on how this child's mother can take control would be much appreciated.

Is her mother actually going to listen to you?

Are social services involved? Perhaps you could speak to her social worker if she has one.

I think foster care would be unlikely if she has somewhere else safe to go - with your dh.

Have you thought about trying to get her some psychological help her to understand why she is acting the way she is? She is a young child and her behaviour is a symptom of a deeper problem. Considering putting her in foster care may exacerbate the underlying issue and lead to feelings of abandonment which ultimately may cause more problems than it resolves. You also mentioned she has suffered from mental health problems since the age of 6 - perhaps these are a factor too? It sounds like everyone needs some support in this situation to be able to best cope. I wish you well.

Has a parenting worker been involved? Not just for the mum but even for you as you seem to care a lot.
I was referred to parenting when my eldest became particularly challenging. TBH I took offence as I have a lot of experience of working with kids who have challenging behaviours. But I'm so glad I went along with it as the worker was fantastic & it really made a difference. I think she was employed by a charity, sorry cant remember which one.
If she has been involved with the police then have they referred her to the youth offending team? There are so many services available to young people but accessing them is very hard, in my case my son seriously assaulted someone before help became available. I would advise contacting school, education department etc before going for foster care. Once a process like that starts it is very intrusive & you cant tell them when to stop either.
Good luck to you all.

Respite foster care!??

For a off the rails kid? If that service was available I'd be VERY surprised!

Why is she even allowed out at night anyway?

CAMHS child mental health services needs to be involved via her GP. but if her dad isnt part of her life might be difficult. soudns very difficult all round - but her dad and mum are the ones with PR - does her mother have mental health services involved/social worker?

ultimatley the mother ahs to go to SSand GP adn seek help for HEr issues, then that might kick start SS.

the child neds her own MH team too by the sounds of it -all you can do is offer support on teh sidelines...but your H/her Dad presumably has PR therefore has a role to play.

I would second the recommendation to go to CAMHS. They can offer therapies including family therapy, which would be most useful if the whole family attended. The DSD would probably also benefit from individual psychotherapy, but there would probably be a long waiting list for that. It may even be possible for her to be admitted into a residential psychiatric unit, although ime it's usually only available for adolescents whose health/safety is in danger, due to suicide or eating disorders.

Your DP probably has PR so he could make an appointment to see her GP without her, but the mother should be in agreement too.

The mother would need to get social services involved if she wants any respite - she can request a Needs Assessment.

Does the behaviour have an impact on her schoolwork or behaviour at school? There are good schools for emotional and behavioural difficulties, some of which are residential so that could provide respite. But she would need to have a statement of special needs to be considered for that - these can be given for behavioural difficulties.

She sounds like a normal (almost, few months off)teen!!!!

Talk of residential schools, psych units and statements????

Tiffany...I agree. I went through hell with my oldest DD when she was around that age. I could not and would not give up on her, and we came through it together. I did send her to her Dad's for a week just to get some breathing space, but after 3 days I missed her so much I went and picked her up again! We've often spoken about it since, and I asked her once how she would have felt if I'd made her stay longer, and she said that she'd have felt like I've given up on her, and she knows that I will always be there for her because I stuck by her.
Now she is 16, and a lovely girl, my best friend really. She was testing the boundaries to see if I'd abandon her like (as she saw it) her Dad did.

Agree with Tiff and Happy.

School can also refer to a counsellor.

I am going through it now with my dd. She's 14 but it started at 13,exactly same time as her periods ( never found out if that was relevant)

The 'help' isn't forthcoming. Doctor was little more than useless. Didn't pick up on the underage sex I mentioned, neither did the 'counseller' he sent us in to see. She was supposed to follow up with asessment but not heard back, this was july!

School have done CAF reort, July also. Not heard back

Police involved when she ran off, no further action

Social services, no further action

Her dad? The root of it all. Never sees him, not allowed even if we wanted involvement from him.

I'm her mum, my job to get her through it....... The cute 'little gils' stage is long gone!!!

Tiffany, you will get her through it. And the 'cute little girl' may be gone, but the 'lovely young woman' will come soon enough.