Advice please on ex seeing baby DS

[sowhathappensnow]

Hi I was wondering if anyone could offer their thoughts on what is a reasonable arrangement for contact please. Ex left when i was pregnant. He saw DS a couple of times the week he was born but not for about 3 months after that (too busy, apparently). He has recently started seeing DS, who is now 4 months old, about once a fortnight for under an hour but is often late or tries to change arrangements. He has now started saying he wants DS alternate weekends. I agree that this is appropriate in the long term but I think we have a way to go before we get to that point. Ex has a very short fuse and I was on the receiving end of some low level abuse after I uncovered his affair. DS is a very clingy baby and cries a lot and I worry he will annoy ex -who has no experience of babies and expects them to do as they are told . DS is also wary of strangers, especially men, I guess because he never sees any. I have suggested 2x weekly short visits while they get to know each other and we can build up slowly but ex refuses and wants whole days now and nights very soon. DS is still bf and as he is small for his age he does so very frequently.
Please help me work out a compromise as I think I have lost sight of what is reasonable!

Whilst your ds is BF then short, regular periods are reasonable. Once BF isn't an issue I would agree to one full day a week, working towards over night stays once your ex has shown himself to be reliable with his contact.

OK, how about you put a two year plan in place with the every other weekend being the goal for after ds's 2nd birthday (I assume bf would no longer be an issue then?)

Ds will start eating soon so once that is implemented, his feeding patterns will change and you can propose maybe a full morning or afternoon.

Then once ds is 12 months, (your choice to bf, so not sure when you intend to stop) maybe a full day?

Once ex has shown he can do this, at 15months, try afternoon and overnight

18months the full day and overnight

24months, a full weekend and maybe a week night on the other week?

Ex needs to be regular, my dcs see their dad once in the week and once on the weekend. They know the drill. If your ex can see the plan, he may be willing to play along to get the ultimate goal. Remember, you are in control, you know your ds best and you need to try your best to allow his father to be in his life (which I can see you are)

Nights and full days are totally unreasonable while the baby is still breastfeeding. My ex now has dd for most of a day (9 or 10 until 4) which we started when she was about 10 months. Before that he was having her for half that time and I would come and feed her, but obviously that was difficult and would have been impossible if we'd been unable to be around each other. There is no way a young baby would be ok away from their main carer for a full weekend- I don't know what your ex is thinking but it's definitely not what's in your baby's best interest. I personally would think about 3 would be the right age to start having full weekends, maybe before if you both thought the child was up to it. We recently tried with my ex having dd overnight and although he claims it went well, she was very clingy for the next two nights so I have said it's not happening until she's old enough to understand.

I think your idea of short visits and building up contact is best. If he won't agree to that, you can probably go to mediation as they seem to be very helpful and know what is appropriate for particular ages.

Clearly your ex is completely unaware of what looking after a baby involves and is not thinking of the baby's welfare.

He needs to learn and will do that by having regular but short visits frequently. What you suggest is fine, what he is suggesting is unrealistic and is basically what someone who has no clue would think sounds fine.

So bearing in mind he has NO clue - Explain that ds can only go between feeds for a max of 2 to 3 hours and can take an hour to feed. That this is normal for a bf baby. Also make it clear that as you bf on demand your ds has to be near you (and no you can't express or swap to a bottle just for your ex's convience - that's not thinking of your ds's wellbeing if he were to even suggest it)

Suggest to him that he might like to try a parenting course, along with regular hands on experience for an hour or so 2 or 3 times a week at your place. And then in a few weeks time he'll be able to take him out in the pram round the park or to the library for a walk.
And also explain that if he can't manage that then he won't know his ds well enough, nor his ds know him well enough to send overnights furtehr down the line.

WHat's your relationship like with his parents? Have they seen their grandchild yet? Do they even know about him? His mother may be able to help you if she's on board with you because she can possibly get through to him on just how unrealistic his suggestions are for a small baby.

Thank you so much for all your thoughts, which gave me the courage to stand up to my bullying ex. He seems to have taken on board that overnights happen over my dead body are not appropriate at this stage but is still asking to take DS out for the whole of his visit. As he will only agree to coming twice a month I'm still not sure this is a good idea as DS won't remember him from one visit to the next - or will he? I know the OW will be out with them too which might be clouding my judgement a bit. I'm just so worried about DS getting upset because he is out with relative strangers, or thinking I have abandoned him. I'm also worried ex would give him formula rather than bring him back when hungry which I have worked so hard not to do. Ex wanted me to have an abortion which is part of the reason I think that he has no reason to put DS first.
Unfortunately Gillybean ex's parents are no longer with us, his mum would have been great in this situation

If baby is bf then it is not approproate for them to try and give your ds a bottle. Firstly it will be alien to him and he may or may not take to it. If he takes to it he may refuse breast afterwards even, or it may simply be very traumatic for him. And then of course it also will interupt your milk supply. People who don't know think it's easy just to express some milk and off they go. It isn't necessarily so. He may think you are being difficult by refusing to express so you need to explain that it isn't that simple and some people simply can't express. And frankly why should you express and why should your baby be forced to take a bottle!

Does your ex realise what a bf baby means? No of course he doesn't. You need to explain to him that it means feeding on demand and it means not being away from mum for more than an hour in reality. It doesn't mean giving a bottle instead.

He really needs to go on a parenting course to help him understand. And you should suggest he gets the 'birth to five matters' book and read it.

And no twice a month is not enough for your baby to know who his father is. He won't recongnise his voice or smell or other factors which help reasure a small baby. So your ex is in effect a stranger.

You wouldn't leave your baby with a stranger unless it was someone you knew was trustworthy and was aware of the needs of a baby. So you may consider a childminder/nanny here, but all would insist on a taster session to see how baby got on and follow your instructions to the letter. Do you think your ex even knows what to do? You need to see him changing nappies, talking to and getting to know your ds before he takes him for a short walk (half hour). If he insists he wants to do this away from your house then tell him he needs to find a contact centre where there will be staff around to help him and reasure you that baby is being taken care of properly.

If he gets cross about this then you simply point out that getting cross at you for a perfectly reasonable request does not give you any kind of confidence he can be responsible enough to care for a small baby. Remind him he has no previous experience and you had your midwife, health visitor and family to call on to help you learn. Would he really expect you to hand over your baby to someone you are not entirely sure is capable of taking care of your baby and who isn't willing to prove that he is but taking the necessary time to get to know him and learn about being a parent.

I would suggest that your ex is obviously more concerned on getting out of the house and spending time with his new partner in conjunction with ds. I can see how this grates on you (why should she get to play happy families with him and your ds), but on some level, when the time comes, it might be better to have someone else there (depending on how responsible she is of course)

Again you need to point out that your baby's welfare is more important that his new partner's feelings and if she's not prepared to wait or be understanding of the situation then it doesn't inspie you with confidence that she or he are thinking of ds first and foremost.

Please don't be bullied into it.

Your situation is very similar to mine but my DS is now 16 months, you're so lucky that u are breastfeeding, I wished my DS would be he couldn't , it's the perfect reason to keep him with you.
My ex thought it was reasonable for me to let my 3 week old baby go and stay with him for 'a few nights' lol.
Whilst he is BF it is totally out of question for him to go to his Dad's for whole days or over night.

I think what u have suggested sounds totally fair, he needs to build a relationship with DS before he can have him for any length of time.
You also need to feel like you can trust him and feel comfortable about the situation.

It has only been over the past few months that my ex has started havin him for whole days but that's mainly because he isn't a proper baby anymore. I don't need to worry about whether he's winded him properly or whether he's feeding him at the right times. My DS is now of an age where he'll tell u if he wants food or a drink or a sleep so it's much easier in that respect.