My ex is nuts.

[shimmerysilversparkler]

This morning he called in to see dc on his way to work. Turns on the lap top and it is not working, asks me what is up with it, me in the middle of making dc breakfast says "don't know", he goes nuts telling me I am fucking pathetic and immature for not showing any interest in this problem, I won't get a penny out of him ever again if I can't be arsed to even help him with the lap top to do the work that pays for everything here! Storms out.

All in front of the dc.

Receive text re-iterating what an immature twat I am and how my dc will remember this and know what he had to put up with when married to me.

What a lovely start to Sunday.

He sounds charming.

Was it your laptop he was trying to use? And why was he trying to use it anyway if he had called in to see the dc, surely he should have been focused on them

Would be so tempted to reply with

Thanks for coming to see the dc but in future perpahs you could spend the time seeing them actually interacting with them rathe rthan fiddling with the laptop.
And yes I'm sure they will remember how unreasonable you were and be as glad as I am that they don't live with you any more.

Just breath and be thankful he is your ex!

Yes, MY lap top, but he paid for it when he still lived here.

This man shagged around on me endlessly and is currently embroiled with a 17 year old girl (he is in his thirties, glad I am not HER Mum!) and still expects me to drop everything to sort out any difficulty he may be experiencing.

I think he actually does think I am HIS mum now and should act accordingly!

We are trying to co-parent but I don't think it is working . It is like having a really abusive teenager around when he comes. He doesn't want to be a husband to me but still wants me to behave like a helpful wife. Madness.

Then you simply have to say no to him coming over.
Co parent all you like, that doesn't mean he has to be in your house.
And to be honest how can you co parent with someone who is not thinking of their dc well being and putting their needs first but instead undermines their mother and behaves like a child himself...

I know, I really do. Not looking forward to this conversation.

After he left my ds said "I am going to tell Daddy he can't come here anymore" he is 7, it is not up to him to think he has to do that. Got to sort this out once and for all.

Ahem.

"You will find somewhere appropriate to take the children when you wish to spend time with them. That place will not be my house. YOu will pay maintenance according to the CSA ruling. You will not comment on my non-parenting activities. You will wait on the doorstep when you collect the children. You will not verbally abuse me at any time.

If you breach this, I will seek an injunction and your contact with the children will be through a supervision centre, as you will no longer be allowed, by law, to come near me. You lost the right to be in this house when you started having sex with other people. There will be no further discussion on this matter."

Fucking trust me when I say that this is the way to approach his behavior, I put up with this sort of shit for about a YEAR!

Colditz, did you put up with it just to keep things amicable? Because that is why I do it, I really did think that we could do this in a civilised way but I must be fucking stupid to have thought that beause if he was able to be amicable and decent we never would have split up. I am trying so hard to do right by the dc that I am in fact just still be abused as though married to the arse just not quite so often.

Oh and thank you all for replying, once again MN saves me from spending the day feeling sad, stressed and bad.

Gillybean you are so right he does not put his kids first even though he claims that he does. He tells me he couldn't stand to see dd treated badly so I explain to him that by treating me badly in front of them he is setting them up for a lifetime of doing or being treated the same as they will see it as normal. He agrees but not too emphatically it has to be said, it seems it is more important to him to be able to keep using me as his personal verbal punch bag than think of how it must make his dc feel.

yes.

I did put up with it just to keep things 'nice'.

But they weren't nice. He used coming to my house as an excuse to comment on every aspect of my life. What I wore, where I went, whether or not I did housework when he took the children to the park or just "sat you your fucking arse" (as IF it was any of his business!), who I went out with, who I was alledgedly shagging off the internet .. it never stopped.

I'm sure HE was happier with things then, but I wasn't, and now at least if he has an opinion on me, he has to keep it to himself because I am not around for him to inform how shit I am.

PS

The children are MUCH happier that they go to Daddy's flat instead of daddy coming here.

I threw exp out of the house infront of my children. I had to. He had just screamed at me "I'm not having the kids just so you can go slagging round on the internet!"

So I 123magicked him.

I said "Leave now, please. You cannot speak to me like that and stay in my house. I will count to three and if you are not at the garden gate I am going to call the police and ask them to come and remove you from the premises"

Interestingly, my son, who at the time was a big defender of his beloved daddy, commented afterwards ... "Daddy had to go away because he was being naughty and rude!" (he was 6 - and he was right)

That is what my ds says colditz "Daddy was very rude to Mummy" he said that to his teacher one day and then again this morning.

Ex often tells me that his kids will realise when they are older what a twat I am and will hate me, I am scared he is right. Because he is making them see this kind of thing obviously I am not always going to be a perfect parent and there will be times when we don't get on. I worry they will link it all together and as he is the generous (buys them anything they want) parent will prefer them. It does really worry me.

it won't happen.

trust me. They remember behavior far better than they remember presents.

give them some credit. If someone in their class was to behave like daddy just did, what would their teacher do? They KNOW it's not good behavior from ANYONE!

I was going to say the same as Colditz. You've given him a chance now you need to make him take it seriously.

I got loads of crap off my XP when I let him come to my house. After several months he hadn't calmed down so I told him he could not see the DC's unsupervised, I arranged mediation and then a contact centre. XP got thrown out of the mediation session for being angry and refused to attend the contact centre.

DS remembers his Daddy was angry . At least we don't have to put up with XP anymore (every cloud has a silver lining... etc.. etc).

Oh bless you - he sounds like a massive abusing twunt.

Dont let him in the house in future.

My ex let himself in when i was getting the kids from school on friday (he was about to take them away for the weekend). But I wasnt back yet and he was rootling about in the house! We are supposedly amicably co-parenting, but this really pissed me off. He could have just waited and had some manners. He wont give me a spare key to his new house, but thinks its ok to come into mine willy nilly.

he is such a TWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT rrrrrraaaaaahhhhh!

boobalina - change the locks NOW!

See ho long it takes him to ask why you've changed them then ask him how he knows you have!

I second Colditz's words of wisdom.

It's all very nice trying to keep it amicable but at what cost? You already know this is not healthy behaviour to show your children - now show them how to stand up for yourself....

YOur ex is a complete arse start protecting your kids by not letting contact happen in their home.

You are so well rid.

The thing is, because most of us are reasonable, nice, people, we expect other people to be reasonable and nice, and for us to be able to interact sensibly with our co-parents.
When one co parent is a COMPLETE KNOB (like this man is, OP) it's pointless trying to be reasonable Do what Colditz says, ban him from the house (it's not his home any more. You and the DC have a right not to have your home invaded by someone who is rude and unpleasant to you) - the DC can obviously already see that his behaviour is unacceptable and don't like it.
THough TBH I would skip the line in the letter about him having sex with other people. That's not actually relevant (and he will sieze on that and use your 'jealousy and rejection' as a reason to disregard everything else you say. What's relevant is his verbal abuse of you and that's why you are bannign him from your home.