DS (6) refuses to sleep over at his dad's. How do we handle this?

[PrinceAlbert]

DS's dad and I have a good co-parenting relationship. We have a routine for when DS will spend time with each of us, and it's worked fine (well, OK, not without wobbles and DS wanting to come home from his dad's - but we handled it) for well over a year. Then about two months ago, DS just wouldn't stay over at his dad's any more. When we've talked to him about it, he's said it's because he's not used to his dad's place (where he's been staying for over a year ), because he's fed up/confused with living in different places every few days, and because he misses me. He said he was staying there a few months back, missed me, and knew Daddy wouldn't let him come home, and ever since, he's been worrying that he'll go there to sleep over, will miss me terribly, and not be able to handle those feelings.

His dad and I have tried to help him handle these feelings, but we're not really making much progress. The situation has caused some family friction too, because DS will happily stay with my parents, by not at his dad's mum's either - and she has given me grief over this (thinks it's by my design).

But anyway, mindful that this might just be a phase and that our arrangement should be child-centred anyway, his dad and I have gone with the flow and he's stayed there once in two months. However, I am getting a bit ratty and suffocated by rarely having an evening to myself or a lie-in (DS will still spend the day with his dad). DS's natural bedtime is fairly late, so my time isn't my own until after 9pm, by which time I'm too knackered to face the housework. I also feel bad relying on my mum to babysit from time to time when ordinarily, I'd plan stuff for the nights DS is with his dad.

But equally, if DS is getting really distressed about staying over (we've had a lot of tears and him throwing up, he gets so upset), I can't very well enjoy time off with him being miserable at his dad's. And I don't want to regularly make him do something that he's so unhappy about. We have a very close, trusting relationship.

So any ideas as to what we could do in this situation? Does it need fixing, or just living with for the time being?

Thanks.

any other reasons why he may be so anxious? is it only over this? have you spoken to his school teacher? jsut wondering if there is anything else other than "misses" you going on that he hasnt said?

has someone died recently and he worried about you?

Does he know he can phone you from his dad's if he is worried about you or missing you.
Does he have a special cuddly or blanket or something that smells of you and a photo of you by his bed at his dad's?

Has his dad told him he's a big boy now and doesn't need his cuddly/blanket or something of that nature that might have made him anxious?
Have you asked his teacher if there's been something at school, another child may have lost a parent or said something that made him think about things, or a story or film they may have heard with something that made him anxious about being away from you?

My DS won't stay at my x's and will stay anywhere else,

I believe in his head (and from what he's said) he blames ex for leaving and in his view abandoning him.

Thanks for replies.

Hmm ... other things that have happened include my ex's dad's partner dying quite suddenly of cancer (DS wasn't close to her, and hasn't seemed upset about this, but you never know), and also one of DS's friend's parents separating in early September. He did get upset around then - a sort of second wave of grief over his dad's and my separation. So maybe that triggered it to an extent. I reassured and listened to DS, and he seemed to move on from his sadness fairly quickly.

Yes, DS does know he can call me, and he has done this before - and burst into tears when he's heard my voice and asked to come home. So his dad tries to discourage it now if he can. DS himself has said that talking to me, taking a photo of me or a special something of mine all make it worse, because they remind him of me and he wants to come home more. Argh!

To my knowledge, there's nothing that's happened at school, although even at the very beginning of term, when DS's class did a "feelings flower" and they each had to write about something that worried them, DS said he was worried about staying at his dad's house.

DS is with me all this weekend, so perhaps I'll try a bit more probing and see how we get on.

Thanks again.

My daughter 12 who has been sleeping over with her step family/my mums since she was 9 mths at least once a week - has done the same. started about 6 mths ago - she would start worrying about missing me on a monday leading up to a friday sleep over - by the time Friday came she would be in hysterics. - She is now seeing a counsellor about her 'seperation anxiety' who says its very common in lone parent families esp with one child - she is using CBT with her - I am also reading a book How to help with your childs fears and worries by Cathy Creswell which is a CBT method book and has examples of just what you are describing with your DS and starts with children aged 6 - I am finding it very helpful - I hope this helps

Thanks for your post, gingerali. I'm sorry to hear your daughter's experiencing this too. I thought that when a child is that age, if they don't want to go, they simply don't go? But I suppose it has to work for all concerned.

With DS, it has definitely become an anxiety thing - a mindset that he won't be able to handle the separation at night, end of. But not when staying with my parents, which is strange. His dad and I have worked through a CBT book with him called What To Do When You Worry Too Much. It hasn't made any difference unfortunately, although I wonder if, at six, he is still slightly too young for this approach to work well. I'd certainly be interested in giving the book you suggest a go.

This evening at bedtime, I lost my rag. :( DS doesn't have the earliest natural bedtime, which suits me in as much as I'm not an early riser, but he faffs too, and I asked him until I was blue in the face to put his pyjamas on, and it was like talking to myself. So I was cross and grumpy, because all the while I'm thinking he's going to be tired tomorrow, and I can see my evening just ebbing away. So I need to reclaim the odd evening to myself, because this situation isn't bringing out the best in me. I don't want DS to be unhappy though.

You said your daughter's counsellor said that separation anxiety in this kind of family set-up is very common. Do you think it's anything to worry about - a sign that something's not OK deeper down - or just one of those things; circumstantial?

Thanks again for your post. I'm glad you seem to be turning a corner with your daughter - fingers crossed she carries on being more settled.

I wonder if your ex would come stay over at your house for an evening/night so you can go out without asking your Mum and your ds knows you will be back in the morning. He will have the security of being at home?

Perhaps a stepping stone to staying over at Dad's again?

No advice but lots of sympathy as I am in the very same situation and totally know how you feel.

It is definitely seperation anxiety with my son - he is soo clingy. However as he is autistic he can't really explain his feelings and it doesn't help that his dad is rubbish with him.

My DS goes to bed fairly late usually too but I often tell him we are both going to bed early and this means he settles down for bed much quicker (and then when he's asleep I sneak back downstairs).

Hi,

Certainly seems like separation anxiety so something is causing the issue - as others say look at wider family issues. I recall a friend saying how her DD had gone very anxious, not wanting mum or dad to leave the room. They had thought it was something that had happened at school - in the end it was due to the recent house moves, which on the surface the child appeared to have handled with no issues. Not sure how long you have separated but wonder if your ds is worried about you leaving him. He might prefer to be with you so he knows that you won't leave.
Just a thought - but I guess it's lots of reassuarcne. The other factor is he could be resentful of you having a life when he's not there. My dd had elements of this - couldn't bear that I might be having fun without her!