Is this fair access?

[Mummalish]

I have told my ex that he is welcome to see ds every Thursday (or once during the week), as well as every second weekend from 10 - 5:30 on a Sat and Sun. I would prefer no overnight visits as yet as ex needs to settle himself and I would like my ds to be able to sleep in his own bed.

Ex says this is unreasonable and is getting very arsey.

Really thought I was being fair here. Please tell me if I'm not.

How old is your ds and in what way does ex fell you are being unreasonable?

How old is your ds? If he is very young then I can sort of see your point re. overnights. There are a couple of "I would like/prefers" in your post - I know it's hard but you need to be objective about what is best for your son (and his dad is an equal parent after all)

What your proposing is what carcass would suggest with the exception of having the sat/sun as an overnight. I can see why your ex would find it hard to bring hour DS back to sleep then pick up the next day, It means that if they went out on the sat he'd be clock watching. Trust me it's no fun having to plan a day making sure we are back in time.

The sooner the child gets into a specific routine the better, we had one daytime visit with DSD who was 4 at the time and even after her not seeing us for 9 months she told her mum she wanted to stay over at the weekend. We still had to do daytime visits for 2 months to keep his ex happy although the court thought she was being ott

What I'm trying to say is that as soon as we started the full weekend contact things for everyone got loads better including bio mum.

I meant cafcass not carcass stupid iPhone!! 

as otehrs said, unless there are sepcific reasons for him not to stay o/nite - perhaps age related or concerns over your ex's care - then the reality is your ds now has two homes, two beds etc - so the concept of "his own bed" is duplicated - he has a bed at your and a bed at dad's.

two homes is a concept my exP has had trouble grasping...wheras my dd was quick to try tio tell him "but if you are separated we have two homes not one"...

but if both of you can be supporting your child to be content with the idea of two homes, two beds, two sets of toys etc then it is the best thing you can do for him.

How old is your ds?

On what basis (other than own bed) are you refusing overnights at this stage? Unless your Ex doesn't have suitable accomodation and assuming there are no other relevant issues (you not liking it isn't relevant sorry) there is no reason overnights shouldn't be happening.

How long are you proposing the not staying over night lasts before you agree to the weekend being from saaturday till sunday and then moving from school pick up friday to school drop off monday?

What are you proposing re the school holidays and special events like xmas and easter? Is he asking for discussion/agreement on these too?

My ds is 2. My ex will be moving into a houseshare, and that it what concerns me slightly.

I have said that when he can afford to live on his own, overnights will not be a problem. I am happy to alternate Christmas etc.

My ds is very unsettled at the moment, and until he has had time to adjust to his dad not being in the house anymore, I will consider overnighting, but this may not be for a while.

I certainly would never keep them apart, never for one moment has that crossed my mind. I want my son to have a father, but at the same time I do worry about my ex's judgement with regards to my son's safety (stemming from various incidents in the past).

I know we have many years of parenting to do together, and am sure we will revise things as we go, but for the time being I do not want my son sleeping on people's sofa's or different places.

I can see your point and resoning now

Has he told you where DS would be sleeping when he's with him? You could do similar to what we did, 2 months of daytime visits, and then see where things are. The reason I say this is my BIL has recently split with his wife and in a house share however his DD has her own room and loves being there and really likes her dad being able to put her to bed at night, she's 3.
For a start she had her toddler bed in his room in a 'pink' corner just for her which she liked.

So many people on her have a go at men who question them about their life styles yet the op is doing the same to her ex who actually wants decent contact.

Access is such a horrid word. Surely you start at 50/50?

Not sure of the background to the split but if you and your ex were joint parents for over 2 years then it is hard for your ex to suddenly become a part time parent and has to rely on the mum to 'allow' contact.What is your ex proposing? Perhaps it would be best to share what his thoughts are and then share your concerns.
One key point - if this goes to court then a judge will ask you for to explain and justify your concerns. My experience of family court is that they take a dim view of parents who can't offer good reasons for stopping overnight contact.

What is the situation with finances? does your ex work? Why is he not able to get a place of his own,does he contribute to your household?
I know it's hard not to worry about your child but it's critical for a child's development that they get to know both parents.

You made your DS together, you have to share him together. I hate the notion of "access" or "letting" kids see their dad.
I'd be straight to the solicitor's if I was him.

Ex has agreed that overnights are not best for now. I asked him what he would like, and have agreed to compromise.

Thanks everyone for your input.

No problem im pleased you've come to an agreement