Can any single parents help me please??

[anothernewname09]

Hi guys,

I was just wondering if anybody could have a go at giving me some answers to some questions?

Just over a year ago my BIL (DH's brother) got a 17 year old pregnant. They had only met a handful of times and tried to give the relationship a go but it ended when their DS was just a few weeks old. At the time they both were living in a council house and were unemployed so were getting the appropriate benefits (im not sure what that would be).

Since the break up BIL has moved back in with parents, and the girl got her own CH closeer to her mum, about an hour from BIL.

BIL is a total waste of space IMO, has already been to juvanile prison, lost his driving license, and is now on a 18 month suspended sentance, he is 22.

Basically the mother of the baby has only let him see the baby twice in four months, one of these was an overnight stay. BIL has not paid the girl regularly but has given her £40 when he has seen the baby.

The young girl is now saying she cannot afford formula fo the baby so me and DH promptly sent her some cases of formula, she seemed unhappy with this and said that she needed cash for other things also.

It is very likely that DH will cough up BIL maintenance money to aviod him not being able to see the baby, especially being as DH parents are a very good influence and would if allowed be a very stable part of this babys life.

Sorry its long, trying to give background info!

So questions are;

What is the expected maintenance money for a father on JobSeekers allowence and any other benefits he may get?

He has filed to the courts for access. What is the process now? What is the time span?

Can grandparents file for visitation rights? Especially if the father is denied access?

Sorry for being dim, we have no idea how this works.

If more info is needed please let me know.

Thankyou in advance, very much!

I hope so sleepy.

Unfortuatly I think that them few extra years you have on her may be the thing that allowed you to see clearly and do what is best for your DS.

Anyway am going to see her tomorrow. Any advice anyone??!

god, get her round mine and i'll chat to her!!

lol sounds rude but literally spell out what you are saying using nothing that can be interpreted incorrectly (all nice and tactful tho obviously) bcoz if she's feeling like she wants to be independent(ultimately meaning stubborn) she may be likely to take things the wrong way

I cant see why she would be against letting you see dc tho

good luck and let us know how it goes xx

If I were in her shoes then I'd be petrified.

Petrified about the total overwhelming responsibility. Petrified about not being able to cope. Petrified about doing the wrong thing. Petrified that "his" family will somehow want to paint her as a bad mum so they can take the baby away from her.

You are linked with ex's family so naturally she may be suspicious of your motives. At the same time scared to fail in front of you for all sorts of reasons.

If I am blunt, why is the dad fighting for access? What I mean is, does he REALLY want it? Or has the family kind of bullied him into it?

Because depending on the situation, it could simply make things worse for a vulnerable young woman at the moment.

The last thing she (and the baby) needs is to be dragged through court and then the dad flits in/out of his son's life.

For your meeting, my suggestion is to make clear that you are there to support HER and the baby. You want to be friends and maintain contact given the family ties. Make it clear you are not there to report back or make things worse for her.

He does want to see his son. He was on the straight and narrow when the were together. He is blaming his recent behaviour on the fact that she is not letting him see the baby. Now you and I jnow that this is a totally-not-good-enough excuse, but he cant see that.

To be frank I couldnt care less if he doesnt see the baby, but I really feel that my PILs would be very beneficial for this baby. To be honest that is the whole point of this thread.

I can say 100% that PILs will always be a stable enviroment for the baby and would do anything they can to help the mother aswel.

They dont have lots of spare cash, but they would be able to support her when ever she needs it.

Im going to meet her tomorrow and ask her what she wants, what would help her etc etc.

This baby is part of our family and im well aware that we need to help her to help the baby IYKWIM.

Thankyou for the advice

There is a lot of good advice here (though also some people being twattishly unfair towards the poor girl- and she is really just a girl, and not surprised she finds it so difficult to let BIL see the baby when he has been like this), but another thing you (or she) might want to look in to is Healthy Start vouchers which should cover formula milk (or normal milk, and also fruit and veg). They are quite a lot, like £24 per month, so can get lots of formula with that and it is helpful that it can only be used on the specific things it is intended for so there is no chance of it getting mixed up in other budgetting problems. The website for applying is here: www.healthystart.nhs.uk/

I hope you and the rest of the family find a way to support the young mum that is kind to her and good for the baby- it does sound like you are nice and sympathetic (not blaming or aggressive) which is great.

Also I agree with Niceguy that it must be very scary for her already and if there is even the slightest threat to her and her child that they might be seperated or judged, then that would be a terrible thing and not help anyone! Good on you Niceguy for seeing her perspective.

Thanks Trilo.

They dont have lots of spare cash, but they would be able to support her when ever she needs it.

Yes I knew there was milk voucher things, why did I forget that!! Everyone here has been so helpful and non judgemental it's great.

Problem is she switches between being really responsible and really looking forward to the future (training to be a teacher etc) and then reverts back to being stroppy teenager again. Obviously this is understandable.

So things for tomorrow,

See how she is doing etc

Check she is getting all appropriate benefits etc

Then ask he what she wants with regard to PILs seeing the baby? Ask what her ideal is maybe??

Not read all this sorry, but a few comments on your OP.

The needing money for formula - that is rubbish. If you are on benefits you get free milk tokens. When the baby is under a year old you can ONLY buy formula with these. And you keep getting them after baby is a year old still, and you can then choose to buy formula or cow's milk with them.

So she actually wanted cash, and when you stumped up the formula she was forced to admit it was cash not formula she really wanted.

Don't give her money. Giving her cash will affect the benefits she is entitled too. She is entitled to keep the mainteneace your BIL should be paying (£5 a week on JSA), but if you or grandparents give her cash this will be deducted from her benefit entitlement. She is legally obliged to declare it too, although she probably won't.

Instead ask her what she needs. She may want the baby's room decorating for example. You could all muck in with that and but cot bedding and the like. Or she may want the kitchen decorating, or a sofa or something to help make her house more of a home.

And as for the 'I can cope' attitude. Make sure you let her know you're fully aware she can cope (even if you think she isn't) and this is not about her not coping. Tell her just to ask if she needs anything - be it nappies, babysitter, company, a day out at the beach with you all, formula, clothes, etc. But also let her know you don't want her getting in trouble over her benefits by giving her cash...

Your MIL may like to buy the baby some clothes or a pram for example, so ask if she would be happy to receive gifts like this. Phrase it that MIl would like but doesn't want to offend you if you already have one, or something lined up..' It will help your PIL to feel involved and needed an also the new mum to feel she is getting some support from them. She'll also get what the baby needs.

Also invite her over for dinner or at the weekend etc. When I was on benefits it was hard just to feed myself not only finding the time to make a proper meal but also money wise. So you/pil get to see baby and she gets some food and company.

Gilly- thanks for the post. I have come to the conclusion that it wasn't about formula and I didn't remember that cash may affect her benefits.

I'm going to visit her tomorrow to try and sort things out. MIL is unable to come now so hopefully we can just chat and the issues will sort of crop up on there own without having to really confront them IYSWIM.

MIL has already bought a pram when they were together, and as we knew the were going to be hard up me and DH bought them a bouncy chair and cot bedding for last Christmas. We spoke and the were happy to receive baby presents rather than gifts for them, so to speak.

She is coping, I said in another post the baby appears very well looked after.

If any one thinks of anything else I can address I would much appreciate it as I always think of things to say after an event!!

Yes, probably it is more about building a family relationship with her and the baby, and offer support that way. Actually, that would be lovely.

Agree that is a good idea to help in the way that Gillybean described, but if at some point she is struggling financially, don't be hard on her. Assuming she is paying nothing for acommodation (as if she qualified for the highest form or housing benefit and full council tax benefit) she would be getting about £65 per week in tax credits + £65 in income support, so basically about £560 a month for all her expenses save rent/acommodation.

There are plenty of people who can raise a child on that money, but IMO a lot of basic things get sacrificed to be able to survive on such income.