Can any single parents help me please??

[anothernewname09]

Hi guys,

I was just wondering if anybody could have a go at giving me some answers to some questions?

Just over a year ago my BIL (DH's brother) got a 17 year old pregnant. They had only met a handful of times and tried to give the relationship a go but it ended when their DS was just a few weeks old. At the time they both were living in a council house and were unemployed so were getting the appropriate benefits (im not sure what that would be).

Since the break up BIL has moved back in with parents, and the girl got her own CH closeer to her mum, about an hour from BIL.

BIL is a total waste of space IMO, has already been to juvanile prison, lost his driving license, and is now on a 18 month suspended sentance, he is 22.

Basically the mother of the baby has only let him see the baby twice in four months, one of these was an overnight stay. BIL has not paid the girl regularly but has given her £40 when he has seen the baby.

The young girl is now saying she cannot afford formula fo the baby so me and DH promptly sent her some cases of formula, she seemed unhappy with this and said that she needed cash for other things also.

It is very likely that DH will cough up BIL maintenance money to aviod him not being able to see the baby, especially being as DH parents are a very good influence and would if allowed be a very stable part of this babys life.

Sorry its long, trying to give background info!

So questions are;

What is the expected maintenance money for a father on JobSeekers allowence and any other benefits he may get?

He has filed to the courts for access. What is the process now? What is the time span?

Can grandparents file for visitation rights? Especially if the father is denied access?

Sorry for being dim, we have no idea how this works.

If more info is needed please let me know.

Thankyou in advance, very much!

1. Check www.csa.gov.uk

2. How long is a piece of string? It depends on how long the parties get to an agreement, available court dates, and if reports by CAFCASS are part of the process, it may take several months, etc.

3. Not sure, but it is likely. What is unlikely is that the father is denied access (only if he is a danger to his own son, however, considering the background of your BIL I would not be surprised if things get difficult).

Okay thanks chandra,

I have no clue how this works, but we were thinking maybe it will be easier for grandparents to get visitation rights and maybe BIL could have supervised visits, I dont know if this is way off, but like you said, we understand things will be difficult.

My PILs are fantastic grandparents to my DD and it seems a shame that this baby will miss out on that. Also they are so far different from their son they really would be good role models for this child.

On JSA, I think he's supposed to contribute a whole handsome fiver a week.

yes,£5 s week paid fortnightly into her bank!

w

Thanks OLKN!

Wow that seriously does not cover anything!

How much is JSA?

Actually we thought it would be more like £25.

Being as its a fiver me and DH will not be coughing up for it!

Im sure he can manage with 2 less beers a week!

Job Seekers Allowance.

I think JSA is approx £45 per week???

£51.85 to £65.45, depending on age.

Okay thanks everyone, I thought it was more, maybe im thinking of something else!

Thanks for your posts.

Well, he may be receiving other benefits too; towards his rent and council tax, for example, so he'd get more than just the £51.85 to £65.45 in all.

Legally, there is supposed to be no link at all between paying maintenance and seeing your child, but in reality, nothing pisses the resident parent off more than a non resident parent who pays nothing and then demands to see the child. So even though the father would not be required to pay more than £5, I strongly advise trying to sort something out which recognises the financial reality of bringing up a baby.

The grandparents don't have an automatic right to make an application for contact; they will need leave from the court and may well get it, but resort to the courts should always be the last thing you chose and only when you have no other option. If you don't have legal aid it is very expensive, it is very time consuming and it is emotionally draining. Plus, it doesn't guarrantee good results.

If the mother is young, stressed and resentful and good for nothing father, she may well pull up the drawbridge and be unreasonable and unpleasant and there will be very little in reality that can be done; the courts are very unlikely for eg to say that the father should have residence in the circs.

Is there some kind of 'family conference' you could have? what is the position of her parents? Could you all get together and try to sort something out? IF the mother feels she is supported and not worrying about money, she may be more likely to relax about who sees the baby, when and how.

If everyone is just insisting on their 'rights' to see the child, it won't end well, if it ends at all.

From what you say, it sounds a pretty poor decision on both their parts to become parents, but now they are, they are linked for life and the baby has a right and a need to as good a relationship as possible with both of them, to avoid history repeating itself.

I don't know bu when I was in JSA I was receiving £24 per week. I was also receiving tax credits and child benefit but I don't think your BIL would be getting any of that if he is not the resident parent.

Spero what a great post.

I think as much as BIL is crap, the mother of this child is 17 and unfortunatly is using the baby as a bargain-ing tool.

Her mother is in and out of her life so she is no help to this girl, she has no body to show her the right thing.

We have had a similar kind of meeting but it did not end well but BIL was present.

The mother says she wants to train part time to become a teacher so that when baby goes to school she will be qualified and hopefully have a job that will fit in and support her and her baby.

Me and DH commended this and even sait we will top up her child care benefits so that she has no child care to pay while she is a college. However this has not been mentioned again.

I wonder whether a meeting between me, MIL and the mother of BIL baby could have a bit of a meeting and try to keep things very low key.

To be honest if she wants to be a teacher i am on her side, at least she is thinking and trying to offer the baby something.

Thanks for the post

Sorry tired

I wonder whether a meeting between me, MIL and the mother of baby could have a be helpful, maybe have some luch and try to keep things very low key.

Trying to meet up and talk about it in a constructive way is definitely the right way to go, at least you will know you tried if it all goes pear shaped.

That is very encouraging that she has plans to train, like you say she is thinking about it.

But she is only 17, this is a terrible weight for her to bear, especially if she doesn't have her own mum to support her.

It sounds as though the father is just too immature at the moment to be much of a positive force - can anyone talk to him? has he just made the application to court?

Even though the courts try very hard to be concilatory and push for agreements I am afraid that in 90% of cases, going to court just pushes people into polarised positions and doesn't help.

good luck. If she feels people want to help, hopefully she will be more than happy for family members to have contact; as a single mother I would love it if ex's family could be bothered to look after my daughter for a weekend now and then.

Spero I feel so sorry for her.

She is 'using' the baby but she is really a child, and like you said she is not having help from her mother.

I hope my posts didnt come across like I was moaning about her! Its more the BIL that is an issue.

I will call her tomorrow, take her and the baby for lunch ( most things revolve around food with me!)

I know BIL would be more than happy with supervised visits as would PILs be more than happy to supervise.

PILs really do want to have a relationship with this baby the same as they have with our DD, so she will get lots of support if she lets us.

At the moment she is a little bit 'I can cope, I dont need anybody'- ish!

And DH can try to give BIL a kick up the backside tomorrow. He blames his issues on the fact that he is angry that he cant see his son. He just doesnt grasp that if he doesnt turn his life around he will not ever see him and will be denying his son a relationship with his paternal relatives :(

You didn't come across like you were moaning about her, it sounds as if she is lucky to have you.

The difficulty of course, is that she may not be able to see that as she may well be in the stroppy 'I know everything' phase of her development, as well as being lonely, tired and scared, which is a pretty toxic combination.

I think you should just carry on as you suggest. Be honest, supportive, make it clear you know BIL is a twat but that you will all rally round to do what you can to make this easier.

Using grandparents to supervise father's visits sounds a very good idea. Hopefully they could also offer some financial help?

I hope your DH can give BIL kick up bum, but frankly if having a baby can't turn him around, I struggle to see what will. Maybe he will sort himself out in ten years or so, but that will be too late for his relationship with his child.

I think you could be right Spero :(

Finance wise PILs wont be able to do too much although we could to be honest.

Trouble is I have this nagging feeling that if we give her cash the baby may not end up with it, I dont know maybe im a sceptic

To be honest DH has even spoke about paying for private education for the child, which is something we really need to discuss. I think he feels he needs to do what his brother cant (or wont)

Anyway off to bed, thanks for the chat and advice. Teenagers, eh?

"Trouble is I have this nagging feeling that if we give her cash the baby may not end up with it, I dont know maybe im a sceptic "

Oh yes... fantastic idea, pay to privately educate the child but don't give her any money, that way she won't spend the money in paying for gas, water, electricity, or even food for herself.

Morning, i just wanted to point out something, is she claiming what she needs to? i find it difficult to believe she cant even afford formula when the state benefits are how they are(and i should kno as i was on them)

Child tax credits
Working tax creds(can still claim when on maternity leave)
Child benefit
Housing benefit

She's saying after all that she has no money??

Ohsleepyone this is what I think. I'm sure she is claiming all benefits possible as her midwife helped her with a lot of that kind of thing. I'm sure things can't get that bad??

Anyway I'm between a rock and a hard place. I want to what is best for this baby, if we could find some way of being allowed to have him included in our family that would be ideal. But all the time BIL throws up new issues and makes things harder for us and himself.

Nooooo! Don't give any money. There are lots of ways you can help. Giving money is not one of them.

All you will do is dig her out of the "hole" for that moment but make a rod for your own back. Giving money is rarely a long term answer.

There are many ways you can help without handing over money. You can offer to help her budget. There's no reason she cannot financially manage if she's claiming all her benefits and has a council house. It won't be a frivolous lifestyle but if she manages her budget properly then there's no reason she can't manage at all.

I have a friend who admittedly is older but also has one child and claims benefits. She does just fine and even manages to go out around time a couple of times a month.

Offer to help by babysitting so she can still have a social life or just a bit of downtime.

Get the family together and give the BIL a good verbal kicking so he wakes up to his responsibilities. Sounds like he's another idle feckless young "man" who thinks the world owes him a living and is too bone idle to get up off his arse and do a day's hard work. He's a dad now. It's time to start acting like a bloody grown up. I was 23 when i had my first. It was a shock but I dealt with it.

At 17 it really is kids bringing up kids. And that's the saddest part. Poor girl can't even get in a bloody pub yet is responsible for another life. She does need a lot of help & support but the right sort. She needs to be guided and supported. Giving her cash is not the answer.

Thanks niceguy

BIL needs more than a verbal kicking. To be honest we don't know how to help him. We have, more than once, given him a job at DH firm. He just doesn't go after a couple of weeks.

What me and DH have said is that we don't want to "loose" this baby. Obviously only in a metaphorical sense, but everyone is so scared history will repeat itself.

Like I said before she is a child, but in fairness to her the couple of times I have seen the baby he is smiley, chubby and spotlessly clean. She is doing well, especially with her mum not around. I just wish she would let us or ask us for help, instead of trying to do it alone. BIL aside, we have a lot to offer her baby, and we want to offer it.

I sort of can see what she means by doing it by herself, it means she doesnt have to rely on someone there for no 1 to let her down. So maybe just being there for her

It sounds like small steps and no pushiness is needed, maybe tell BIL to take a step back whilst u and PIL negotiate with her, no offence but BIL really does sound like a waste of space(such a shame)

I'm in the similar position just at 23 instead, my ex's mum lives 2 hours away sees ds regulary(ish) and xp is long gone so its def possible to stay in contact, i think what helped me was she wasnt overbearing and always lets me kno that it was me who decides what happens and the ball was always in my court so i never felt like she was trying to force me to do anything i didnt want to(even tho i actually wanted ds to know who the rest of his family was anyway) hopefully she'll feel like me, and just want whats best for dc

sorry to ramble and make it bout me! just wanted to show its what you want is achievable and you sound lovely, both her and lickle bubba is lucky to have you all x