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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Long distance contact

13 replies

CakeCuresAll · 03/11/2010 12:37

can it work?

What are your experiences?

enlighten me...

OP posts:

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JeMeSouviens · 03/11/2010 12:48

How long is long distance?

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gillybean2 · 03/11/2010 13:16

Are we talking same country or international?
How old are the dc involved?

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Niceguy2 · 03/11/2010 14:15

My kids live about 2 hours away from their mum. They see her every other weekend and some of the school holidays.

It's been like this now for 5 years. I won't lie, its hard. Very hard. The kids spend a lot more time travelling than I'd like.

Their mum misses out on all their schooling. It's impossible for her to support me on anything in practical terms.

School events like plays, parents evenings etc. all have to be done by me.

Over the years they've grown more distant from their mum.

So can it work? Yes. Can it work equally? No. If both parents are very involved then I think you would be deluding yourself to think it won't have a devastating impact.

As much as I love my life now and am happy with my new partner. I must confess if I had to do it all over again and move, I'm not sure I would.

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JeMeSouviens · 03/11/2010 14:44

Coming back to this, from living in a different country perspective.....

We moved abroad for work 2 years ago (Disclaimer: nature of DHs industry, and he worked away while with xW also)

He emails and calls weekly, and Skypes fortnightly. Visits are every 6mthsn either her to us, or DH goes home. In fact his DD has just been. Obviously hard when she/he leaves after the visit.

I will say that while we lived nearby, DH did not have much input into schooling etc. anyway. However now he lives abroad, he has no influence whatsoever on his DD, which is something the parent living away will have to accept.

As an example, he had to have a chat with her about not growing up too fast while she was here. It has been discovered she is wearing full makeup, bum skimming skirts, and high heels, if you please, at the grand old age of 10. As she is very tall, this is concerning as she looks 14/15, but there is not a hell of a lot he can do about it, if her mother chooses to let her do so.

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Leslaki · 03/11/2010 17:34

My dc live 400 miles away from EXH - he is meant to see them 5 weeks of the year and I have facilitated contact so far. he is refusing to help with the cost of travel which will affect the amount of times the DC see their dad as I earn very little (he earns a fortune). It is doa-able but only if you are both amicable and tret each other with respect. If my X paid maintenancea nd met his share of the travel costs I would be happy for him to see the DC when he could. He refuses to pay a penny and refuses to come here - DC have to travel to see him. So He is the one making it difficult but it could be very do-able.

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EMS23 · 03/11/2010 18:18

My DH and I lived 200 miles from my DSS. Every other weekend and some holidays was the arrangement for the first 5 years and whilst it "worked" it never made my DH happy and he always felt it wasn't enough. Plus the commute was killing us.

1 year ago we moved to live by my DSS. My DH is a changed man - happy, secure, content. Parents evenings, school plays, being able to help his ex with adhoc stuff such as snow days, not to mention that we now also have DSS at least one night during the week too - everyone is happier.

However, long distance contact is definitely better than no contact but it does rather depend on the commitment of the parents to make it happen.

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racetobed · 03/11/2010 20:02

Leslaki - interested to hear your views. my dc's dad lives a 5.5 hour train journey away. he travels to us for contact time once a month. however, he is increasingly pressurising me to meet him half way every other month. while this may sound reasonable, i am not prepared to a) because it was his choice to live so far away (he was on a sabbactical contract, which he extended, despite fathering a child at his original work location and b) i don't want to set a precedent of my having to travel a 5.5 hour round trip every 8 weeks for the next 16 years, as I plan to have another child in the next year or two.

my view is, the parent who chooses to live far away and thus abdicates their day-to-day parental responsibilities has to take care of the travel. it shouldn't fall to the dc or the full time parent.

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CakeCuresAll · 03/11/2010 20:52

Thanks for the replies.

The distance is about 500 miles and my DS is 18 months old.

Ds and his father have never had contact but I am hoping it will happen at some point in the future as ds needs to know his father imo.

It was my choice to move this far away when I was pregnant but I have to add that when I did, it was to be close to family and support in my original home town at a time when it looked like my ex would have nothing to do with our child.

It really isn't an option for me to move back as we are finally settled here. Ex will not be moving here either. We both have very separate families and commitments now.

Thanks for the replies. I really don't know how we can make this work but I'm desperate for my son to know who his father is. At the moment, I've offered as much contact as he may want but I'm finding the reality hard to picture over the ideal iykwim?

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elastamum · 03/11/2010 23:18

Its not easy. My ex used to live in the next village then he remarried and moved 2 hrs away. Boys see him one night every fortnight which is probably not enough. Also they are starting to get invites to parties and have sporting events at weekends which mean they dont want to go.

Cant see it working at all in a year or two

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CakeCuresAll · 04/11/2010 06:40

Thanks elastamum.

I was really hoping that since ds would be growing up with this situation then he'd not know any better and it might be ok?

arrrrggghhhh :(

Not sure how to sort this one out - I just want ds to know he has a dad and to have some kind of relationship with him.

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ParrotandBubbles · 04/11/2010 08:02

It only will work if your exp wants to make it work - my ex lives 109 miles away and he rarely sees the kids. I have offered to meet him half way twice a month (my two are 2 and 9 months and he can't have them overnight because of breastfeeding)but he often cancels at the last minute on the grounds that he can't afford it (he works and I'm a single STAHM and I manage to fund my half of the travel costs). To be brutally honest my 2 are young enough to have allready forgotton who daddy is - this Sat will be the first time they will have seen him in a month and my youngest is unlikely to settle with him (last month she screamed for an hour and he gave in a called me to collect her early setting a dangerous precedent). So it can work if yours exp is willing to make it work but not is he doesn't.

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Leslaki · 04/11/2010 21:23

racetobed - depends on the reasons behind the move though doesn't it? Things aren't always so black and white in real life! he forced the move, not our choice. I have set up SYPE etc and emails for the DC - he chooses not to use these. I also paid for all the travel for the last visit which I couldn't afford, no thanks, just abuse...

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hairytriangle · 05/11/2010 21:32

"the parent who chooses to live far away and thus abdicates their day-to-day parental responsibilities has to take care of the travel."

As does the parent who moves their children away from the other parent, thus rendering it very difficult for them.