Dear If (a ranty open letter to my ex)

[LRB978]

An open letter to my ex (yes, I call him If - If he can be bothered, If he can afford the bus fare, If he has the time....)

Dear If
I cannot say this to you, because you are the one my son calls dad, and I don't want to disrupt the contact he has with you at the present. As sporadic as it is, I know it will diminish even more if you read this. Actually no, it will probably stop for 6-12 months (again!)

However, the reason I am okay about you letting me down today, for the second time in two weekends is because, from the very start, I have never believed you will do what you say until you actually do it. It is only in the last year I have started to tell ds he is going to be seeing you before the morning of contact, before you have confirmed it will be happening. Why? Because you let S down so many times when you were with me, I never believed you wouldn't do the same. And you have, many times over. I will be arranging alternative childcare for next weekend, just in case you make it 3 out of 3, although I hope for ds that you don't.

Also, when I lend you money, if I say I need it back on a certain day, I need it back on that day. NOT three months later (and that is if you get it to me on Friday!). If I say get it back to me when you have it, that is what I mean. If I say I need it on Tuesday then I need it on Tuesday, and yes if that means borrowing it from someone else, that is what needs to happen. you see, if I lend it to be back on a particular day, then I need it for that day, whether for a school trip (still not paid for, they go on Tuesday), school dinners (not currently in arrears, but little money and they will need paying again tomorrow) or just a new coat or new pair of shoes. And if I message you asking if you have the money, the chances are the petrol gauge is on red, or the emergency credit is about to go on the electric. I do not ask for the fun of it, even if I say ok when you say you haven't got it, in all honesty it is not OK, I would not be asking if I didn't NEED it!.

Whilst were on the subject of money, you know what, some maintenance money wouldn't go amiss. Yes, I know you are currently on benefits, but you weren't until earlier in the year and one £2 in the Sale coat from Primark that was several years too big for him does not count. It costs to have a child, and just because I kicked you out does not absolve you from your parental responsibilities. In fact just a birthday present, a Christmas present or even an Easter egg this next 12 months wouldnt go amiss, seen as you failed to get any in the last 12 months (and you even had the cheek to ask ds where your birthday card was!!!)

You offer to help me with the DLA form for ds, but you know what would help, you being consistent in contact for ds. If I had more support, maybe five weeks ago, I wouldn't have been having suicidal thoughts. Maybe if, just once, you took an interest in what my son was doing, made him our son, not my son, attended a few parents evenings, TAC meetings, even sports days and school plays (and not those you attended because your step kids were there, only seeing ds because you were there to watch her kids). I know it is never going to happen, because you are little more than a distant uncle to ds, even though he calls you dad. You wonder why your kids treat you as a cash cow, only contacting you when they want something.... well, maybe you should look at how you treated them over the years, that may tell you something. And I wont stop ds, if he starts refusing contact, or only contacting you when he can bothered, cos you know what, that is all you do.

I know you will never read this, and I know if you did you would deny virtually all of it. I don't know how much it is going to help, getting it all out, but you know what, just for once FUCK YOU. You gambled, lied, drank and emotional abused yourself out of the relationship, and you will slowly lose your son as well. If I could cut you out, I would, but you are doing a pretty good job of it yourself. So once again, UP YOURS, cos you are nothing but a waste of time and have proven it, once again.

LRB978

(and yet, there is still a part of me that loves you, even though there is no way I would ever take you back, and that is why I still give you the time of day, and why 5 1/2 years down the line, it still hurts sometimes when you do, once again, fail to come through)

[cestlavielife]

dont send it and dont lend him money. ever.

try going to a counsellor yourself or divorce recovery workshop?

[bettiboo]

Well done for getting that off your chest. Perhaps the time has come to have a look at why you would find someone with those clearly repulsive qualities even remotely worth 'loving'. Lots of us have been there. Believe it or not there's definitely life after toxic and vile relationships. I learned a long while ago that you don't have to bother trying so hard to make the relationship between your DS and ex work. In fact you have very little control over it. Go ahead, start thinking about yourself and forget the ex - he sounds a complete loser. It's a lot less scary than you think. Good luck. x

[LRB978]

Cestlavie - I was never going to send it, thats why I put it on here, so it would be read, but not by him. As for money, it is rare I lend him anything, if I do it is little amounts (£10), I am now getting angry over the principle of it than an actual need for it (did need it at one point, but got through that). Needless to say he has burnt his boat from now on.
I am also on a referral list for counselling anyway - I had 18 weeks of counselling about 4 years ago, and am going back for more, I am just waiting for it to start. It is not just about him, but am sure he will crop up as a factor.

Bettiboo - Thank you. I needed to say it and I didnt want to say it to him, he wouldn't hear it. Thing is, as everyone in similar situations say, he isnt just those vile quantities. And I didnt kick him out because I stopped loving him, or because I hated him, I kicked him out because it was what was best for all of us at that time. He has moved on in the sense he has had a couple of relationships (including one marriage) since then. I have had a friend with benefits, but have not met anyone else (partially through lack of time to go out and meet people, partly that those I have been interested in havent been available) and so have not got another love to supercede his. And I will always love him a little, he was the one who gave me my son, and my first adult relationship. As I said in my letter I have no wish to have him back, but I still love him despite that.

As for making the relationship between them work, it is actually quite a selfish thing at the moment. In the past 18 months ds has been diagnosed dyspraxic and is now starting to undergo assessment for Aspergers/autism. I have spent the last 5 weeks on anti-depressants and am slowly seeing my way through the fog around me. By having exp doing stuff with ds now, it is taking away some of the guilt that I feel for not being able to cope with doing simple things with ds.

Looking at it objectively, that is probably why it got to me so much last night. He knows how hard I am finding everything at the moment, he has told me to let him know when I need help and he will help me, and yet he has still let me down two weekends on the trot. Oh well, as I said last night, fuck him. If he can be bothered to help, great, if not, I have others who will help.

As for moving on, I am now starting to look for another friend with benefits. I dont want all the ins and outs of a full on relationship, however a friend I can go out for meals with, or go for a walk with, but also have a 'special cuddle' with, would be great. It is just finding someone who feels the same :) It will come.

[LRB978]

Sorry cestlavie, reading that back it sounds really snappish. It wasn't meant to be. I am having real problems articulating at the moment, and I am also still annoyed with my ex, which I think came through on my reply to you. Thank you for posting, and yes, I do need to move on :)

[bettiboo]

I'm sure no offence taken. I appreciate your ex likely has good qualities, don't we all. The fact is he's making you very unhappy and believe it or not, not only do you not have to put up with his shit, you are also worthy of being happy! I think therapy will help. It might be uncomfortable and difficult but you'll come out the other end happier and less caught up in your ex's life. Friends with extras are all very well and good but they're no substitution for the real thing. You sound like a lovely girl and your DC are so lucky to have you. I think some TLC ring fenced just for you is what's in order. Things will get better, I hope you can learn to be kindto yourself because you deserve it. Sending you big hugs and lots of positive energy.