Prospects for meeting someone with small baby in tow

[Yika]

I have a one-month old baby. Her dad left me when I was 8 months pregnant.

I'm struggling to recover from the blow. He left me for someone else and I feel very hurt, jealous and abandoned.

If I didn't have a baby I'd go on a dating spree to distract myself, forget about him, have fun and maybe meet someone new myself! :D

Obviously I can't go out in the evenings though for some months, if not at least a year. But how long will that be and am I doomed to singledom now for years to come?

I would focus on your baby and yourself for now. Meeting men when you're feeling hurt and abandoned is a recipe for disaster. You don't need a man to distract yourself and have fun.

I would look at activities you can do with your child at the moment. If you can get childcare, find something that will make yourself feel better, like a gym or class. Do you have any friends you could share childcare with?

I've seen a lot of single mums bouncing back and forth between dysfunctional relationships and it's usually because they haven't given themselves the time to enjoy being single and liking their own company. It's sad that you're seeing singledoom as something you're 'doomed' to - I really relished the independence of being a single mum and having full control over my life.

I left my child's dad when I was pg and I didn't meet my current partner until my child was 8. It's not because it took me 8 years to find someone, but I wanted to give myself the time to recover emotionally and stability for my child rather than have them meeting men who might drift in and out of their lives.

You are not doomed to singledom at all. But you are getting way ahead of yourself and need to take the time to develop a more healthy attitude to relationships I think. There is no need to go from man to man. Be happy in your own company for a while, and concentrate on your baby.
In fact now I've read cruisy's message, I agree with everything she says. I too have seen too many of my friends bounce from one crappy relationship to another. It's not healthy for anyone involved. Far better to be single and happy than be with someone because you're afraid of being alone. I would also have my doubts about any man who would even consider a relationship with someone so soon after a breakup and a birth, but that's just me

You are not doomed to singledom, but there is no rush to get back ouit there on the dating scene asap.

What you need to do now is spend time building up your self confidence agin, become an independant strong woman and learn to like and love yourself, and spend your efforts bringing up your lovely new baby.

With time, and once you are happy in your singledom and independent and confident, once you don't actually need a man, you will have a chance to date again.

It gets easier once they are no longer babies.

Enojy the freedom that being single brings. Enjoy making all the decisions yourself, enjoy not compromising or discussing things or coming to amicable middle of the road agreements. You can choose what you watch on the telly, what you eat, what you buy, where you go etc etc etc. All things you might have to compromise on in a rlationship.

Being single isn't something that makes you 'doomed'.

Hello Yika, congratulations on your beautiful babby!

I know exactly how you feel; DS is now 9 months old, and at times I feel desperate to get back out there again- partly to heal the hurt of how the baby's father has treated me, partly longing for support and attention, and for someone to just hug me daily and tell me how well I'm doing!

It's difficult to have to wait until we're really, really ready, and not just head off for the vodka-and-casual-sex-athon of our single days(or was that just me?), but I think CruisyFloozy's advice is pretty bang on the money.

I find myself craving someone less as my emotional hurts heal, and thanking my lucky stars I'm a single mum more and more often- so many of my mummy friends tell me how difficult it is coping with a baby and a partner at the same time-sometimes they're a help, and sometimes it seems they're definitely a hindrance!

I find that planning and preparing for that time in the future when I'll start dating again helps with the immediate cravings- for example, I've just started the post-baby diet, now all I need to do is have enough money for babysitters- and an internet connection at home so I can start diping my toe into the dating websites!

Oh, I think I AM generally a confident, independent person and like my own company. I've already spent a lot of time single. I used to be fine with it when I was younger but now it's not what I want.

If I didn't have a baby I feel I'd have a free choice of whether to go looking for a relationship straight away or just to enjoy my own company for a while. It just seems that different rules apply once you have a baby. BooBoo, your comment about having doubts about any man who would consider a relationship with someone in my position says it all. It seems as though it's totally off-limits for me to to even be thinking about it!!

Obviously for practical reasons I simply couldn't meet anyone in the next few months as I can't go out - I can barely get out of the house in the daytime, let alone the evening. But how about in a few months time when I'm back at work, the baby is at nursery and I've stopped breast feeding?

I suppose what I am wondering is if there is anyone out there who has met someone while their child is still small :). I'm over 40 and don't want to wait years to meet someone.

Maledetta - glad it's not just me, and glad to hear that the craving gets less as the months go by.

I'm sure I wouldn't feel this bad if I were back at work, actually, as it's partly the loneliness and boredom.

Maybe I'll go back early :D

I have a 9 month old and a 2 year old and I am dating I enjoy being single but i enjoy male company too - my 9 month old has only just started solids too so it is possible! My exp has the kids two Sats a month so i arrange Sat morning brunches instead - if it something you feel will help (in my case it boosts my low self esteem) then it is possible. And a couple of times I have abondoned dates to go and breastfeed baby and then come back - some guys even wait .

Obviously you do need to wait until you feel ready and that you are dating because you want to not because you need to isym. But it is still possible to have fun

My ex left for someone else when he found out I was PG.

I had nothing, no money, no home nothing. However lots of people offered me work (childminding) and I just concentrated on that. Six months after having DS the best friend of the family I nanny for asked me out.Apparently he'd clocked me when I was PG but thought I was taken. Not a perfect relationship (on here a lot about him)but he's fit,kind and minted...pretty much perfect and just as good as anyone I went out with before my son.
It's not easy finding someone when you're single baby or not is it.You're still doing better than Jennifer Aniston after all

justonemorethen, does he have a brother?!!

Hey great! Glad that it does happen sometimes.

By the way, cruisy, BooBoo and OMDB, I didn't mean to dismiss your advice - in fact in general terms I agree with it - just wanting to know that I still have options even though I'm a new single mum :)

The brunches sound like a great idea. There's a great brunch place just near me... already looking forward to it - yippee!!