Should I just wait...or call him?

[xmumzix]

Split with H in july and it was supposed to be amicable..just a loveless non relationship come to an end!. But he has major communications issues (major part in breakdown) and if I ask him something that he doesnt want to discuss he turns into a raving loony! fastforward to yesterday and I was very happy that he had taken a couple of days off work to have the kids and planned an outing to a lazor zone type place. When the kids phoned me from his place last night they told me he had taken them..just as he said he would,BUT he then left them there alone for 2 hours and wondered off round the local town. I asked to speak to him straight away calmly and as soon as I asked(main concern being was it a safe place to leave the kids?) he lost the plot yelling down the phone that it was none of my business and I was being over the top! He then put phone down on me and switched it off.I was so angry I got in the car -and picked up the kids. I didnt even speak to him. I feel guilty for picking the kids up now but just could not believe his attitude. Since then he has made no attempt to contact me even if just to say what am I playing at!! Its the complete lack of responce re his kids that bothers me most. Should I just sit back and wait...the last thing I am looking for is a row btw. Sorry this is so long but its complicated!

Sorry I should add that the last time he took them out (before this) he left them alone in pizza hut and went outside for a cig..He didnt think there was anything wrong with that either!

How old are the kids?

They are 14,11 and 10 . I know they are growing up but I still feel I have the right to know they are safe when he is looking after them..all I wanted to know and all I asked yesterday was that what was the situation at this place. He went into auto rant. He is a very irrational (and tbh stupid at times)person who has no common sense! I sound like I am being a bitch dont I! But he really does have issues..

I don't think you sound like a bitch. It does sound like both of your behaviours are exacerbated by the impasse in your attitudes to childcare/communication tho.

Your ex is behaving very poorly re refusing to discuss things calmly and in an adult manner, but it's possible you are responding in kind - picking the kids up early without talking for example, is a similar type of behaviour to the outside eye. That's not to say I don't think you've been provoked! But I wonder if from his side of the table you seem as unreasonable as he is to you. For example, leaving a teenager and two almost-teens alone in a family-friendly restaurant for 5 mins isn't such a massive deal is it? I'm sure you wouldn't worry about nipping to the loo and leaving them at the table for the same amount of time if you were with them. I mean, assuming one of them isn't particularly vulnerable due to disability or illness.

It's not bad for your kids to learn to be safe for limited periods without parental accompaniment, but the issue seems to be that you don't trust your ex to know the line between safe and stupid. Really the issue is that you don't trust him or his opinions any more, isn't it?

If this was a perfect world, potentially using somebody as a facilitator to a calm and serious discussion about agreeing ground rules to childcare, that you both agree to abide by - which means you may have to make concessions that are reasonable too (something you might need to appeal to a trusted facilitator to help with). Do you think he would agree to this?

Thanks for your kind answer. The simple answer to him agreeing is no! He would not try councelling, relate etc over the years that I tried to save our relationship and believe me I tried. He is damaged goods in so many ways ,having a had a traumatic childhood ,which has affected him in more ways than he will ever admit. I know I could have just let it go, but I cant help reacting when he shuts down on me like that (he literally sees red in an instant).. I think its just that I am not with him now so I cant take it anymore. Years of not being able to discuss anything with him and his horrible attitude and outbursts have made me ultra sensitive I suppose.
Everything is ok with him as long as I dont question him...but how can we come to agreements if he refuses to talk!

The answer is that you can't control his behaviour, only your own. Perhaps you should seek some support on your own, as you sound like you've always wanted to anyway, to help you interact with him. It's possible (not necessarily a sure thing) that if you can find a coping mechanism for yourself that means only one of you is seeing red, it might help defuse situations. I sympathise with you feeling you've had enough of him tho...

Mediator doesn't have to be a professional btw - does he have relative whose opinion you both trust, and who understands parenting of teens for example, whose opinion you could ask and both agree to follow it, whatever it is (so it's objective and not about you agreeing with him or vice versa). I know quite often toxic exes mean toxic families tho...

He is isolating himself ..which I dont think is doing his mental health any good tbh. he took offence when he asked for help from his(adoptive) family when we split, they refused via text. His family issues have been another wedge between us and he has given his family the impression that I hate them all for years (to protect himself in a weird sort of way) without my knowledge , so they havent spoken to me since we split. I only found out last year that his father had made several attempts to try and help H resolve the issues (over a period of 15 yrs)but he didnt feel that I needed to know! So I think he is making sure he is alone sadly. As for me ..it is nice to have someone elses opinion and yes I can see just what you are saying ... I can see how that would look to him now! I was thinking of sending him an email , i know it sounds cold but it could be one way of communicating with him without him shutting down the minute i open my mouth (he will rant over every word i say and doesnt give me chance to get anything out)..
Sorry this is so long again

emails can be good as you say if talking isn't working. sorry to hear it's a complicated situation all over.

what do the kids think about their dad's care by the way? were they worried about being left alone/ do they trust him? 14yo must be pretty clued up

The kids love going over and staying with him and have handled the whole split amazingly well. I am so proud of them.
I think he lets them get away with far more than i would..but thats the way he always was. They could have been burning the house down and he would have just sat there and expected me to deal with it. So they sometimes come back with a bit of a cheeky attitude..but soon calm down. Maybe thats my problem too..I was always the responsible one, he was the one sat in the corner not contributing unless dragged kicking and screaming into family life.
I think my 14 yr old finds him frustrating because his dad does not understand emotions, he will for example not realise he has offended or upset one of the kids and doesn't do affection. Like I said its complicated (or should I say he is)

This might not be what everybody might consider an ideal solution, but I wonder if you maintaining that positive rel with the kids will really be what sorts this out. If you trust them to tell you what's going on, and they know what you think is acceptable, and trust you, then that's half the problem solved. As long as it's not too much like them reporting on dad, but more that you 4 trust each other and can express yourselves honestly, you'll have some handle on the situation.

I know things get tricky when teens rebel/get sullen etc, but they may well self-police - if they know dad's a bit out of control, be more likely to stay in control themselves in his care? Keeping that open communication and understanding with them and being able to discuss 'dad' as something you all have to deal with, without it being about you hating and blaming him, could be a way forward.

I guess if it's as extreme as you say, you do have to keep an ear open for when some final line is crossed that might affect access, but perhaps try and stay calm up to that point?

Thanks again so much ...a voice of reason now I have calmed down I know that me reacting doesnt change anything...he is the way he is , and thats that!
At least he wants to be there for the kids and I dont want to ruin that at all.
I think its time to hold out an olive branch to him and see if he takes it. I need to explain to him why I reacted the way I did and put this behind us hopefully. Writing it down will be the only way I can get through to him , I think.
You have been a big help!

Glad to hear comments were helpful, you sound like a pretty self-aware person IMO, hope things geta little bit smoother for you all x