Is this enough? - my everyday existenz of nothingness...

[Propinquity]

Two children 3.5 and 15 months, live in rural village, eldest is at nursery 5 days a week for 3 hours, youngest comes homes and sleeps whilst she's at nursery, so I get 3 hours 'to myself' a day during the week.

At weekends walk over to park or perhaps go to a free playbarn (attached to a McD so enevitably not actually free
) I don't drive and manage fine on the bus with both.

But my daily existence is just literally playing with kids, feeding them, cbeebies, household chores, I sell a few things on ebay every few weeks so potter about makin gup parcels for that. I've tried reading, doing other hobbies, but I just can't apply myself and concentrate on anything like that when there's two youngsteres vying for my attention constantly.

They play together now, but as soon as I pick up a book or sit on the PC, they're onto me!

I've been to local playgroups but feel eldest socialises enough at nursery and besides the playgroups are just a bit of smelly dough and a bunch of Boden yummymummies - it's a small village and Pram Envy exists, if youhave no Bugaboo you're exiled from any cliques
and most of them just seem to be there to sell (very expensive) makeup ranges, overpriced Usborne books or whatever else they sell part-time.

I'm not bored, depressed or complaining I have no 'me time', as I'm quite happy to sacrifice my life totally for the next 3 years until youngest starts school, but is what I do enough on a day to day basis? as I feel numb and in a slo-mo timewarp effect each day, I feel as if I do so little each day.

I do have family around for support but I miss having a partner to just reassuringly say,"It's all Alright, you're doing fine, kids are happy and healthy, it's all good, don't worry", that sort of thing. Yes family say this, but it's not the same as having the father of your own children say it.

Any thoughts on my daily existenz?
Should I cram more kids acitivities in or force myself to takeup my hobbies again? Or is this numbness just normal part of loneparenthood?

I get it too, and I work 3 days a week. I just battle with the children before work, do a painfully dull job in a non-chatty office all day then come home to 2 toddlers .

The dc's are very hard to cope with so we never have peace & quiet at weekends. I can't read a paper when I'm with them either as I get jumped on or they squabble.

I'm sure I'm slowly losing the will to live as it's so dull / stressful.

You are not alone.

I live in a busy city and can feel the same as you. I think it's just your life becomes so limited to a very small area. I run my own business and find this to have been a life saver, it gives me a space in my brain for me and makes me feel like i'm not just whittling away the hours. It's a bit of a juggling act to say the least but i prefer it that way!
If you already sell a few things on ebay could you expand on that? Once you start doing something like that it's like a rolling ball, and you feel more motivated.
I do think it's just like this for everyone for a few years, even the ones that have a bugaboo!

Don't know whether it applies to any of you, but Open University degrees could open up a few doors in the future (if you don't have a degree now) and there's no fee if you're on a lower income. It could be a way of getting to know other people and improving job skills etc.

Life can be a grind sometimes, so I try to do the following:

Try something new every day - today I went into town dressed as a cat and it was so much fun.

Learn something new every day - inspirational books - books that make you happy.

Do something slightly silly every day - who cares what other peple think?

Eat yummy food every day. Treat yourself really well.

Don't let what others do affect your happiness levels.

Decide that you want to be happy and stick to it as much as you can.

Could you go to college - meet some new people and learn something new, you said you had family support. That could form the building blocks for you to a change in career when you decide its the right time to go to work. If you don't want to wait until they both go to school what about looking for a job now?

Sometimes I think the hardest thing to do is to know what you want to do with your life. I struggled for years feeling lost and alone.

I started up a tiny business which \i try to do every night when the smalls go to bed. It has really cheered me up and made me start to feel like a real alive person again, not 'just' a mum....

I hope you find something as you sounds really down.

Hi Propinquity

Its very hard when your children are so small to see when things might get easier, but they do.

I've been on my own since I was pg with DD2 and remember feeling the same as you. I went to college in the evenings to do A levels then on to a full time degree. DDs are now 14 and 11 and I have a good full-time job (although I do wish I could afford part-time).

My advice is to take everything one day at a time and try to be content with what you have. This really won't last forever, you'll wake up one morning and have a teenager in the house....you'll look back at the toddler years and wonder where they went!

Ah. it's not that I need things to be easier, it's already too 'easy'. I'm not bored, depressed or requiring more 'me time' either. Me Time would be nice, but as I wrote, I'm perfectly fine with sacrificing everything for 4 years til youngest starts school (Scorpio masochism )

It's just an overwhelming feeling of general numbness, emptiness, I don't quite know. Perhaps it's loneliness, as obviously I miss the children's father hugely, can't really articulate it.

So I wondered if it was perhaps I wasn't doing enough during the day, for example, aside from walking to and fro to nursery and getting a bit of shopping in, doing the lhousehold chores, am I supposed to be filling the time with more toddler acitivites inside or outside the house, I just don't know.. I need to go away and have athink really and come back when I can artiulate myself better

I feel the same. I'm sure my brain is shrivelling daily. I feel as though I do nothing, but wonder if I actually have the time to properly commit to anything else. I am hoping it will all become clearer once ds starts at preschool in January.

Ah Freakoid, it's not even that really, I don't feel in need of distractions for myself, just confirmation I'm doing enough for the children at this stage

Where's the father?

moondog I've posted this on the Lone Parents board ... he's not around.

It's tough. My children's father doesn't contribute and doesn't help (wouldn't help on principle tbh) so I know that feeling that your whole life is children. My youngest one year older than your eldest and it is starting to get easier. Although it has been a long haul to get them to this age. Feel bad that I haven't enjoyed it .... much. Well bits.

Do you know any other single parents? I have one single parent friend fairly locally and another who I made on line! She is great. So totally refreshing to meet up with somebody who gets all the things married people don't understand. It is better than therapy I think!