My 12 year old is driving me crazy!

[littlesailor]

Its half term, I'm broke, my son and I have nothing in common and I just can't motivate him to do ANYTHING AT ALL!!!!!
He gets up, comes downstairs (I'm usually on the computer as I'm studying to get us out of this cycle of poverty) sits straight in front of the TV having first put the playstation on, I jump up and open the 24 hours Cafe called my kitchen and start serving. it is now nearly 2pm and he hasn't got dressed nor even cleaned his teeth but asks how long I will be on the computer.

I've given him PGL, sailing, taken him to years of rugby, judo, endured Chessington. I spend every cent on him and always go without and I am extremely lonely because all I do is work and study. I hardly ever make real friends because we're never in the same house for more than a year because we're in rented accommodation. I'm seriously considering trying to get to go to boarding school. I just wish I could fix it for both of us. We don't get on any more and have started swearing and shouting at each other. What the hell can I do.

It sounds like a really stressful situation.

Does he have any friends that he can go to see or have visit him?

It's quite common for teenagers and parents not to get along, but you really have to be careful about shouting and swearing at him - how can you tell him not to do it to you, otherwise?

I know you need the computer for your work, but many teenagers are on their computers during the day, when they are on holiday. Is there any way you can share it, or is that your only time on it?

What are you studying for?

My DD was 13 in August and she knows where the kitchen is and makes her own food and drinks regularly. Perhaps that's something you can do together - teach him to cook!

He must be bored and lonely too...what's the response when you ask him for suggestions?

Mine is 13 in December - we've exhausted the cooking thing - yes he's bored too and started a new school just after half term and although he's making some friends, its still early days... I so hope we can stay the course until he's 16 -

I don't him using the computer but he spends the WHOLE day on some sort of screen - HE STILL HASN'T CLEANED his teeth!!!

Im taking a post-grad in law and Im a sole financial provider - his father has never been interested let alone even a tenner for his child - also my boy has just decided after the whole week of nagging and incessant reminding that he has loads of homework himself he could have done given how much spare time he's had. We're probably BOTH depressed - me first then he's caught it....HE EVEN still sleeps with me - he gets the best bedroom with en-suite and NEVER uses it.... its all too much. I feel under so much pressure to hurry up and qualify so I can put a chicken on teh table. We've no family either.

Sounds to me like you don't value yourself enough...you're catering to his whims and wishes and giving him the best room and I wonder if the screaming and shouting are related to that.

Do you think he would admit to his friends that he sleeps with you? If you're seriously considering boarding, my DD goes to a state boarding school and that's an avenue you may want to investigate, though it will cost £4k a term.

lilac21 - the thing is, its all been a bit of an upheaval recently as I took him out of a local private school because they were on his back 24/7 and it was really depressing him not to mention the non-stop common entrance trial tests - they were getting tested roughly every 8 weeks and they were doing nothing else.... it was really undermining his self-confidence because he was buying into the thinking that this was the ONLY way forward... I had enough - most schools have their own entrance test anyway... if we were to go BACK to that... he has done some boarding and really enjoyed himself.... I may certainly consider a state boarding school so thanks for that. My only reservation is that from the website they are large in number... some in excess of 1100 pupils - that seems an awful lot... how has it been for your DD (sorry what does that mean?) thanks again.

My DD (darling daughter) started boarding on her 11th birthday as she's a 31 Aug birthday. She is now in year 9 at a non-selective, co-ed school which is also a specialist sports college and a lead school for G&T. She is very bright, but the school has pupils of varying abilities and some in local authority care. The pastoral care is amazing and I have found any issues that arise are dealt with promptly and sensitively.

There's no history of boarding in my family, it was her choice and one neither of us regret. She has a great time, loads of friends and by the end of the holidays can't wait to get back there! There are about 700 pupils in her school, from Y3 to sixth form, and about two thirds are boarders.

There is no entrance test, merely an interview to assess suitability for boarding. That doesn't sound like a hurdle for your son. I've taught in the independent sector so I know how you feel about the endless tests.

Has he brushed his teeth yet, btw?!

lilac, thanks for making me grin, just a little bit tho'. - teeth, afraid not! he says he'll do double tomorrow morning!
It does make me edgy when I hear that some children are in local authority care... I know the children have to go somewhere but do you find that they carry an awful lot of baggage and emotional problems....
Pastoral care is my favourite phrase.... from my experience it simply doesn't exist... it has always been top of my list as I have exhausted myself trying to find male mentors for my son... it dawned on me that the only good examples and mentors my child has had, have all been women! I'd very much like to discuss and chat with you one to one... are we allowed to do that?
thanks.

Sure, you can email me on [email protected]

My son would do this too. Except he now knows that if he wants breakfast he can wait or he can help himself and clear away. He learnt the hard way after leaving the milk out and and then there was none when he wanted cereal later! Same with lunch, he can wait or he can make a sandwich.

Getting dressed and toothbrushing are related to computer/wwi in this house. He doesn't get them until he is dressed and teeth & hair brushed too. Same with picking up his laundry and tidying his room. Could you try a similar thing?

It is tough yes, but you have to put some rules in place here for your own sanity.

gillybean2
how do you do this??? my son simply says "make me!" - what on earth can I say? he's now an inch taller than me at 5.3"!! I've through with the "...right that's it.." it doesn't work anymore. There used to be rules but they've all dissolved over the last sort of 6 months.... now, it looks as if it's time that I actually NEED a proper man, if only for my son's sake - at least that way, he wouldn't answer me back so much.

My son won't make a sandwich unless absolutely necessary ... ah, boarding school and CCF should sort him out but I am fifty fifty about it because I would miss him soo much.

you probably already know this - but sounds like youve let him get away with too much for too long, and now he's got used to it. isnt really his fault - he's only human.
you do have to lay down some ground rules and soon otherwise puberty will have kicked in full time and youll have allsorts of problems. without a man about the house he'll be assuming the role. is your choice of course - but dont see that sending him off to boarding school as the best option, is a bit like passing the buck.
just start and introduce some basic rules - getting up, getting himself ready, breakfast etc before the tv goes on. and give him chores to do, his own personal stuff and general household stuff. in return he gets the priveledge of xbox, going out, being taken places etc. you will struggle as he already gets it all so will feel he's being punished/put upon. thats just hard luck, but the longer you leave it the harder the more bother youll have.
and dont mother him so much - youre in your 30's and he's a 12 year old boy - dont expect to have everything in common with him, wouldnt be normal - certainly not for the next few years at least. just be sure youre aware of whats going on in his life and be there when needed.

and did i read it right - does he really sleep with you? surely thats a typo?

lecture over - sorry if i went on a bit.

just noticed the shouting and swering bit aswell - you must stop that and now as respect is a very much a two way thing in any relationship.

When my ds say he can't be bothered or 'i'm not going to do that' I simpy say ok, I won't bother cooking your dinner tonight then, or I won't be taking you to [activity/friend] you wanted. He usually does it then.

We also have one computer and it is mine. So if he wants on it he has to let me finish in peace and needs to be dressed, have breakfast and brush teeth and hair before. Hoever he always asks when he's not, and I always say not until. He then rushes off to do.
I don't always give it to him right away as I have to use it and do have to explain every so often it is a work tool, not just a game tool and he needs to wait.
But I do usually give it up fairly soon afterwards so he's not waiting for ages wondering why he bothered.
I do sometimes get fed up when I have stuff that needs doing and he's playing games on there. But I also have chores that need doing so I go off and do those for an hour and then it's my turn again.

Have you put a password on your screenlock for the computer? Same with tv if it has one. Or simply hide the remote or remove batteries if he automatically switches it on.
My ds has always had to ask for tv to be on and it's rarely allowed before 8am.
And he has always to ask for everything, tv, wii, computer. Because I have always dine this he never switches things on without asking first. We have a small house and using this stuff effects everyone in it. You'd have more trouble enforcing that now if you've never doen before though.

Recently I have been restricting the computer time as he'd be on all day given the chance. So I say ok you can go on for another an hour this afternoon but only once we've been out for a walk without fussing about it. He doesn't like it but that's how it is. Bad behaviour is dealt with by removing a privelage. And tv, wii, computer ARE privelages not a right as he sometimes seems to believe. So if he moans about going for the walk then I simply say 'any more and you'll be losing 5 minutes off your time'. Doesn't always work in stopping him, but he now realises I mean it and is more likely to listen after the first warning.

It's tough especially when you try and install new rules or change how things have got to. He will fight and push you very hard to get them dropped and back how he wants it. But you mustn't give in as he will know that he simply has to up his game next time and you'll give in eventually...

Like when I tell ds his time is up on the computer after giving him 10 and 5 minute warnings and i get 'but I just need to finish this level'. I say it's his choice but he's using up his afternoon time now and 5 minutes extra counts as 10 minutes off afternoon. He pushed this, but after he lost a whole weekend as a result he tends to rapidly finish but it does give him some choice and the chance to finish off.

Actually I quite enjoyed that weekend without the computer. He moaned and complained and went to his room to sulk and came back a while later with his battleships game asking if I'd play that with him. Can't remember when we last did that!

I suggest you sit down and have a frank talk with your ds. Talk about the things that upset you and make you shout. Ask him what upsets him and makes him shout. Tell him what new rules you'd like to introduce which will help stop you shouting, and ask him what rules he'd like to see which would stop him shouting too. Be neutal, unblaming, but honest. Explain you are tired and stressed and that you have to do your coursework, just like he has to do his homework. I did this a couple of years ago and it did help us.

Agree on a plan of action and some rules (you have final say on these if he comes up with something thats not going to happen but make it a give and take thing where possible). My ds said he wanted me to shout less, I said I wanted to shout less so he needed to listen and do what he was asked and keep his room tidy and get his own lunch if I was working. He understood this more when I explained it.

So write up your rules so you both know what they are. Rules for both of you. Ours included less shouting, more listening, more family activities together which we take turn in choosing. And write on there too that computer etc are a privelage and are not to be automatically expected.

Apologise if you shout and swear again, explain why it happen (you nagged me for breakfast while I was trying to do college work and I asked you to wait or get your own and you didn't - so he can see cause and effect) and explain as per your rules that he will now get his own breakfast which will mean you can do your work and the shouting will not occur as a result.

Things may get worse before they get better, but he needs to see you mean business. If you give in or say that you can't handle him because you're not a 'man' then you're simply giving him free reign to walk all over you.
He doesn't get away with that at school, why should he do it at home.

I also wouldn't jump up and make food. I have meals at set times, and if my kids can't be bothered getting out of bed, then they don't get a meal.

At 12 he is capable of making cereal and toast himself.

It is really hard knowing what kids are capable of, but think of it in terms of the law.

In 5 years he can take driving lessons.
In 4 years he can get married, with your permission.
I think at 16 he can join the army.
At 16 he can stay alone overnight.

So I think of it as my job to help them get ready for these. This helps when giving them jobs around the house.

That's something else I do, they have to do jobs around the house to earn pocket money.

Is there a possibility of leaving him alone for short periods while you go for a walk around the block? this will help when you enforce new rules, give a rule, listen to the moaning and then go out!