i had to cut contact - exP MH downturn

[cestlavielife]

backstory of exP depression/violence (not that htey necessarily linked but in his case the violence has come when he also been depressed)

contact had progressed to unsupervised contact but he was showing signs of low again - this week he was displaying tics and kicked out in my house when picking up dds, then they said he ripped handrail off my stairs to basement flat (it was broken anyway but now more broken) and kicked cars i street and pulled dd hair for no reason...
they wer escared - begged me to pick them up from half term playscheme..

his friends confirmed they were worried about him and had been trying to get him to seek help. (i have been doing quick handovers but had noticed miserable looks etc. dds hadnt spoken up til clear signs of "distress". ugh.

sol confirmed in circumstances and given abck story it was fitting to cut contact... i ahve informed all i can think of eg GP but they wont do anything unless he goes to them for help.

hey ho here we go again... but dds sseem relieved they dont ahve to go with him alone ffor a while..how long i dont know? til he gets help?

(his pattern is cyclical lows/highs especially autumnal depression as sure as leaves fall)

i remember your story. imo he has never been fit to have them,from what you've said. and doubt he ever will be.

sometimes its just not in their best intereests..at all

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you in your current situation cestlavie; you have always been very kind and giving with your advice when I have posted on this site before.

I can see how it might be easy to have spotted the signs in retrospect; you were doing the right thing to do quick handovers given the background and so would have been hard fot you to spot.

You cannot change the situation. I am not sure the age of your children but perhaps one thing you could take away from this is to further encourage your children to share their thoughts and feelings about their dad to you in an age appropriate way. It is perfectly understandable for a number of reasons why they did not speak up sooner about their dad's behaviour and maybe they were confused about this (I know I was when my exp started becoming aggressive /moody with me so for kids even harder to comprehend and voice).

During the cycle when your kids do not see their dad, dont dwell on this perhaps but do mention occasionally about him and explain his condition if you cna in an age appropriate way. Maybe explain to them there are other families out there the same situation of them so they dont feel along. Plan some nice things for you all to look forward to. I expect you might be doing all these things already. sorry no real words of wisdom but hope someone reading and responding helps...

useful, tks.

his gp called asked me to go see them will go thurs...

he is now sending text msgs - "hi how are you all? what are you doing? (kinda like nothing has happened msgs?)

i am inclined not to respond.

if he wants to ask to speak to dc he can phone on landline. then if they dont want to speak their choice.

this will be the third xmas since i moved out april 2008 - not exactly a new thing! so once again - with him in a state...the excuses of "cant cope with separation" wear thin...well so be it... i think he has always attributed his "depression" to external factors - well surely the excuses run out? it just "is". but until he addresses "it" - nothing wil change...i might ask GP for referral back to family therpaist/psuchologist - explore around how meaningful contact is when it goes "ok" for a few months only to disintegrate again

psychologist even.

the pattern has been there for years really.