Why on earth would he say that?

[HappyWithLife]

Hi
Posting this retrospectively as I am not with this man anymore, it is in the past but was reading the post about the bloke saying that all women are stupid and it got me thinking (this site makes me do far too much of that, lol)
Anyway, I was at the very beginning of a relationship with this man, and he said, out of the blue, that his worst fear is being accused of 'interfering' with a child and he would kill himself if that happened. He also said that he would have to be careful around my oldest daughter (who was about 13ish at the time) as he knew how easy it would be for an angry teenager to accuse a man of trying it on with her 'just to get her own back'.
I thought that was THE weirdest thing to say, and I have to say it made me wary of him.
I'm not alone in thinking this was odd am I?
It's all academic anyway as it's well in the past but as I said, I was just thinking...

Oh blody hell.

You know that is classic grooming don't you? He was setting the scene and warning you...talk about telling you what he's like

How long did he stay with you after that?

I didn't recognise it as grooming, no. But it did ring alarm bells and stopped the relationship from becoming permanent. It actually lasted quite a long time, but my subconscious was obviously working away in the background because I never left him and my kids together without me there. He has tried to get us back together several times, but I fill with an 'irrational' panic every time he tries.
Don't worry, I would never go back with him, it's well and truly over, but it makes you think.

Christ, that's horrible.

Is your area one that's covered by "Sarah's Law"? If so, I'd want to find out whether he's been in trouble for anything like that.

Just out of interest, did he meet your daughter? If so, did she say anything about him?

I know he hasn't been in trouble before as he was checked out for something completely unrelated - me and the DCs escaped DV and the police checked him out as a matter of course.
He did meet the children, yes. My oldest never said he did anything (and she would tell me, we have a very open relationship), but she did say he made her uncomfortable - some of the things he said for instance.

Wow. Shivers down the spine stuff. He was doing groundwork there. I'm sure it's not most men's 'biggest fear'.

Yuk! So glad to read you are not with him anymore.

I'm curently loving the phrase 'when someone tells you about themselves, listen!' So very very true.

WHat was he saying to your dd to make her feel uncomfortable?

Riley...things like when she bought a new top (with a built in bra) he told her to go upstairs and take her bra off and come down and show him. And she got involved with a lad at school (she was about 13) and some fumbling type stuff went on...he asked her how it felt, and did she enjoy it and did it make her feel good.

And reading that back makes me feel sick. God it's scary how easily people can 'normalise' something that isn't normal. And you know what...because he told me what he did right at the beginning about it being his worst fear, I didn't challenge him. I was wary, yes, and didn't leave the kids with him but I never challenged him.

That's why he said it

It's to make you feel 'sorry' for him, or uncomfortable about mentioning it - it's a very clever psychological trick.

People do it all the time but thankfully it isn't usually in a paedophilic context.

I would in fact report this man's behaviour and comments to the police, because he will move on to other girls.

You can do something to protect them. Just log it as a report, they don't need to speak to him if they don't think it's appropriate yet. It's really important this is logged though.

My x did this too. He told me almost the 2nd or 3rd time I met him about all the people who'd let him down and hurt him. I felt sorry for him alright. I thought he'd been very unlucky. Then after 8 years with him when I'd turned to ashes trying to please him for a quiet life, the bar was always SO high and he was never ever content never mind pleased.

I really really agree with this eureka thing. 'listen to what a man is telling you when you first get to know him'.

He was not a paedophile, in case that was unclear thought. He that a heck of a lot of flaws, but that thank God wasn't one of them.

Totally agree with Fright - tell the police.
You sound like a sensible, confident woman who listened to her instincts and protected her child. Not everyone will trust their gut feelings. I don't know what might happen but at least you won't have kept it to yourself and you might help to protect another more vulnerable family.

OP you sound like you definitely done the right thing getting out of that relationship. He sounds very weird.

Cannot agree however that he should be reported to the police. There is no evidence he has committed a criminal offence is there? What would the OP say to the police? That it has just occurred to her that her ex-boyfriend was a bit strange and might be a pedophile?

Hi all

I actually did mention it to the police after the relationship ended. I was friends with a DS from the local police station who had been involved with me and the children in a professional capacity - (regarding abusive exh) and we had remained friends. He was with the sexual crimes dept, so knew a huge amount of stuff about paedophiles/sex offenders. I told him things about this bf's behaviour and he said he did display certain traits which pointed to very domineering/mysoginistic/degrading behaviour. What he did with the information I don't know but the police were aware.
I agree totally - that thread about listening to what they tell you...SO true.

'What would the OP say to the police? That it has just occurred to her that her ex-boyfriend was a bit strange and might be a pedophile?'

Uh...yes

Well done btw HWL, you did the right thing.

That's good HWL .