I want my husband back :-(

[Marissa1984]

Sorry, long rant coming...

When I was 4 months pregnant my dh started going out drinking more and spending more time with a female friend. Towards the end I was suspicious of their relationship and had accused him of having an affair which he has flatly denied ever since. He was drinking too much, staying out late or going back to hers to carry on drinking then passing out and not coming home. Neither of them seemed to think there was anything wrong in this.

I am a jealous person, for reasons I don't want to talk about, and I was incredibly jealous of all the time he spent with her - but hey, I was pregnant too! And I don't tihnk that any other pregnant married woman would have felt any differently!

My ds was born 5 weeks early and just before he was 4 weeks old things got very bad, my dh said he needed to stay with a friend to get some space and although he said he wasn't going to he of course stayed with this female friend - by which point they now said they were best friends although had only really spent 6 months together. During this period I fell ill one day and went to A&E and my dh wouldn't come over and visit me although he made a brief visit to see our ds at home.

The next day I was back and he came home to pack his things and move out :-( I was gutted and couldn't understand why it was happening. And of course he was going to stay with her again. Coincidentally her facebook status said she was moving out of her houseshare and getting a place of her own, and dh told me before he left that he had a flat viewing that night... of course it turned out that they were moving in together. They do have separate bedrooms but that doesn't make me feel any less uncomfortable about it.

As if that wasn't bad enough I have gone to stay with my in-laws so they can meet ds and on the first day I received a stream of abusive texts from his friend who said they were now in a relationship :-( My dh is 40, I am 26 and his friend is just 24. I know she is only 2 yrs younger than me but it gets to me that he would want to find someone even younger than me. I'm not even sure if they really are together or if it's just a show to upset me, they are both immature and she keeps harping on about their facebook relationship status and when asked by another friend if they were seeing each other she just told them to look on facebook (???)

dh's mum said he told her over the phone that "there's nothing in it" (???) and was screaming down the phone as he clearly didn't want me to be with his family. the m-i-l has made me welcome and all the family insist that I'm not here just so they can meet ds, they want me here too, although this friend/gf of his said I'm stupid to believe that (although I know from a lot of what she said that he most likely helped compose the messages).

whether they are an item or not I'm devastated. Last week was the 10 yr anniversary of when we first met, it will be our first wedding anniversary next month too :-( and I am dreading ds's first christmas as I was so looking forward to the 3 of us having a quiet christmas together as a family, now as I'm so upset I'll probably spend it with my mum and dh won't be able to join us as she is very angry with him and doesn't want to see him ever again.

I already felt like I wanted him back, and now even more so. He has left several times before and each time he wanted to leave, and each time he wanted to come back. I have never ended our relationship or asked him to come back. So I believe that now we are married and have ds that it is even more likely he'll be back, eventually.

I am up against friends and family telling me not to get back with him and how cross they will be with me if it does happen, and although I understand why they feel like that and know I am going to get responses here saying the same I can't shake this feeling of wanting him back. I so desperately want us to be a family, I don't want to be an lp even though I know I can cope with it.

I hate the fact that I am trapped, I can't go out whenever I want, I can't just start a new relationship, he gets to live like he's got no responsibilities and now might even have a new woman on his arm. He didn't even try to talk to me or sort out any issues between us, he just suddenly and unexpectedly left. He told me it was a temporary thing, then said 6 months (to match the length of his tenancy agreement).

I can't cut him out of my life because of ds, and I don't think he'll be letting me go anytime soon if at all. I think that deep down he knows no-one else will put up with him for long so he wants to keep me hanging on so he can come back when he feels like it. I know I probably sound desperate and pathetic to want him back but after 10 yrs together and now married with a baby I'm not ready to just give up. We still haven't talked properly and I know it might not make him change his mind any more quickly if we do, but I just really want to have another go at making this work as I feel he left for no valid reason and keeps telling people how much he loves ds and misses him.

Any advice???

I feel very badly for you, i felt like this until very recently (and still do sometimes). It's now coming up to 18 months since we separated and i'm just about accepting that we won't get back together. Not that i've actively tried to get back together with him - he had an affair so unless he begs for forgiveness it wouldn't happen - i haven't even had a "sorry".

I know what you mean about not having freedom to go out etc, and the next few years with a young child will probably be very hard for you - make the most of your supportive in-laws - they sound great - and if it annoys him so much the better!

I've coped with everything by keeping in touch with supportive friends - and work has helped take my mind off things - will you be going back?

But i think it will take a long time for you to realise that he is a real shit - to do this to you at a vulnerable time and begrudge you and your baby getting support
from family - he sounds like a complete selfish bastard.

You won't realise it now but you're plenty young enough to meet someone new in time. Being a lp is very hard and it's easy to get resentful, but it's also very rewarding and you learn to really appreciate time that you have to yourself on the rare occasions that you get it - and can get very good at making the most of it!

What he has done is bad enough, the timing is even worse. It all adds up to him being a complete nob. When you need a man the most is when they show their true colours. His 'friend' will have all this to come.

What you will do is move onwards and upwards.

Every day as it comes but you need to focus on the fact that none of this is your fault and this bloke will probably continue to get away with this behaviour as long as he lives. The less you have to deal with him the better.

Be utterly, completely selfish and do what's best for you and the baby wish is not having this stress in your life.

You will get over it, it takes a long time, but it is a process and after all the ups and downs one day the ups will be more common than the downs. And then you will look back and realise you were too good for such an utter utter fool.

What a complete knob. You do not need him back and nor does your son.

Let him fly by the seat of his skiddy pants. Big stupid pervy baby.

I strongly suggest you see a solicitor and sort out what sort of maintenance payments you are due.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that if he wishes to have contact with his son then could he please arrange this, and this only, via a solicitor.

Pack his stuff into bin bags and politely text him to say when they are available to be picked up.

Then start celebrating that you are free of such a nonentity knobtoss. Of course, all the while, have lovely steamy hot baths with salts, candles and cryijng. Panic perhaps. Call up friends and family and lean on them for as long as you need.

Book a spring holiday for yourself and ds through travelzoo.com.

Open some fizz and just know that given time and lots of loving feelings for your son (these feelings produce a bodily reaction/drug like serotonin which helps keep you alert and young) you will be just fine

bastard

I totally agree with UA. He has shown his true colours.

You almost had a long marriage to a man who is utterly selfish, immature, cowardly and likes to hang around with women 15 years younger than himself. I'm sure he talked the talk when he met you and you felt flattered, but tbh, I'm forty your husband's age and I would have to think what sort of a man only has relationships with women THAT much younger? Women his own age might see him for what he is a lot quicker. WOmen ten years YOUNGER than he is might see that, so he has to go younger still!! I'm sure that he seems like a smooth operator to a single girl of 24. You've had to grow up fast so even though you look young you're mentally older than he is now. And you will in time realise what a lucky escape you've had. You WILL be fine again. For a couple of years if you don't meet anybody else that's not a disaster. In some ways it'll be a relief not to be torn in two... juggling.

It sounds like the knob's mother is ashamed of him. SHe's welcoming you and her grandchild and cringing at the prattish behaviour of her son. Resist the temptation to take it out on her (sounds like you're not doing that though) she could be a valuable babysitter in years to come. I'm guessing she'll be far more reliable than the baby's father who'll be out chatting up 23 year olds.