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Original poster

Advice from solicitor is to keep things completely seperate as will be less confusing for dd, do you agree???

11 replies

happenedagain · 25/10/2010 20:41

Recently broke up with dd's dad after around 6months back together. Ex p is saying we should still do things as a family for dd's sake, but has been controlling etc in the past.

My solicitor said that she thinks it will be eaiser for my 3 year old dd if things were seperate. And exp is still trying to have a hold over me by saying that we should spend time together with dd even though I am very angery with him for the way he has been treating me.

The main problem is xmas. He wants to see dd, I also want to so i was thinking of saying he can come see dd in the morning at my house, but my solicitor thinks it will be confusing for dd id we are still spending time together like that.

Just wanted to hear other peoples experiance really....

OP posts:
bettiboo · 25/10/2010 20:51

I spent years doing lots of 'together' stuff and honestly don't think it's for the best in the long run, in particular if there are 'control' issues. I wish I had set firm boundaries from the offset. Although that's not to say that it fits everyone. I think it's difficult to let go and particularly so when when there are children involved - we want to do our best for them. I don't know if it's going to be confusing for your dd though to spend xmas morning together. You won't do it forever, eventually you'll probably take turns to suit. It's very confusing but I do think boundaries from the off are the way to go.

Original poster
happenedagain · 25/10/2010 21:39

Thank you for the rply, I feel confused about it all myself, so i'm sure dd must be feeling confused...

I think you could be right, boundaries are a good idea.

OP posts:
pithyslicker · 25/10/2010 21:43

To be honest? I'd take legal advice, not relationship advice from a solicitor. What about relate?

readywithwellies · 25/10/2010 21:47

Keep things separate. If either of you get another partner in future, that third party will be seen by your dd as the person who stops the 'family' things.

bettiboo · 25/10/2010 22:03

Well put pithy. I'm not sure I would feel entirely comfortable with a solicitor telling me what's best in a relationship sense. Really they should be sticking to legal matters not relationship matters. I've done relate and I think it's a really good starting point.

doughnutdolly · 25/10/2010 22:10

I agree with pithy.
When I split with my exh I planned to still spend time as a family for my dd and ds's sake and we did a few times. However since then our relationship has plummeted and I can't bear to be around him for any length of time so quality family time is completely unrealistic. But I would say that my dd and ds do have a lot of quality time with each of us seperately and seem to just accept that that is the way things are. (they are young though - how old is your dd?) I think your Christmas day plans make perfect sense. You need to do what is right for you at this moment in time and what you can emotionally cope with. In years to come you may make different decisions but it is early days so you need to go with your instinct right now. No decisions need to be set in stone. Good luck

hairytriangle · 25/10/2010 22:15

You have half a day on Xmas day and ge gas half a day. Fair on the child if not great for the adults.

Original poster
happenedagain · 25/10/2010 22:58

Thank you all for the replies...

I just thought i would see what others think as i feel so confused.

My dd is 3 and I can really see it is affecting her...

OP posts:
elastaghoul · 25/10/2010 23:29

When we first split we did xmas morning together and use to go out for the odd lunch - fortunately we do both get on reasonably well still. We still go to shool events together, much to the dismay of his new partner who turned up at school match day to find me stood on the touchline and then hid in the car Grin

But generally I think its more important not to diss their father than to be friends

BertieBotts · 25/10/2010 23:33

I think if he's been controlling you need to keep things separate, definitely.

Hopefully for a special day like a wedding etc in the future you could both put aside your differences and attend, there would be no need to speak to your ex if you didn't want to, however your DC will be adults by then. Keeping it as simple and neutral as possible is most important when they are young IMO.

cestlavielife · 26/10/2010 10:58

agree withs ugestion for a cousnellor to discuss these issues but also agree that keepign separate times is best.

ok - you mgiht decide xmas this year he comes to you. fair enough. but that is exception.

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