Am I making the right choices

[bettiboo]

I feel sick with anxiety about what's going on with my ex. It's a really long story but in a nutshell,years of conflict with exP, I used a friend to communicate through hoping ex would be less abusive, friend got very cross with me and told me ex was abusing me and when was I going to see this. Always felt exP was difficult person, decided to go for a consultation at Relate who told me I was a typical 'victim' of emotional abuse. I decided to get therapy so that I could change the way I deal with things and hopefully stand up to exP, which is what I've done. It's all gone a bit too far. ExP now not seeing DS, has stopped paying maintenance and says he's going legal. I should be ok with this but wondering if I've made things worse. All I'm doing is standing up for myself but exP has turned it round and said he's the one that's moving on and I'm the one that's jealous etc etc, he is a very convincing man and I'm starting to believe this myself - well not the jealous bit but maybe he's not so bad and I'm just being over the top! Does anyone else doubt themselves re exP?

Ouite frankly, from what you say you have finally started to stand up to your ex so he is now looking for other ways to control you.

You reaction of taking the blame is typical of someone who has been subjected to abuse - emotional or physical.

You dont own your ex's behaviour - he does. If he wants to go all legal, you can make eveything formal and then claim child support from him anyway.

dont let him grind you down

Thanks elastaghoul. I never really saw myself as a doormat - which is what my friend called me last week. I always thought I was a strong independent woman - I guess I'm not. I still can't help feeling that I'm being unreasonable. ExP said he wasn't having DS until things were sorted, exP was supposed to have DS that night so I went to pick him up from school but exP still picked him up despite his threats. I usually just ignore it when he does these things but thought NO! I'm fed up with his threats, so, told him to bring DS back to mine, he text me back saying he wouldn't and that he was frustrated earlier and didn't mean threat, I stuck to my guns and said if he didn't bring him back I would ring the police. He of course stuck to his guns and said no, get the police. I rang the police and of course felt like a right twat so told them to forget it much to the kind WPC's annoyance. I may have left things as they were but exP told me he had involved 8 year DS in the process and DS was really upset. This enraged me; how dare he involve my DS in this, so I picked DS up and exP hasn't been in touch since. I feel as if I've gone too far now. I don't want DS to suffer but think exP is being really silly. Part of me is also worried about what he'll do next. I did in anger tell him he was an abusive man. I guess I feel guilty about being emotional about stuff.

If he's prepared to threaten stopping contact and stops paying maintenance no court in the land is going to look kindly on him. If he has stopped paying then contact the CSA now. They are rubbish but you'll be no worse off financially than you are now and he will see you are serious.

Document everything. Dates, times, places, who was there, what was said.
And go back to your councellor and get more help with this as he is stepping up the pressure on you and you are rising to his bait. Probably he is attempting to make you appear unstable, over reactionary and un-reasonable. This is how he will want you to appear in court. And he is getting your ds involved in adult matters to which he shouldn't be exposed or used.

Don't fall for it. Be that strong independant woman you want to be and deal with him now for your ds's sake.

Unless you put your foot down and start as you mean to go on he will always control you.

Like already said, when you start off this process, they try every trick in the book to keep that control. Lots of emotional blackmail to the point you do believe it might be you! I know I've been there. Exh still has a go even years later but I've learnt to stick to my guns and follow through with anything I say to him. His 'controlling' has now lessoned considerably because I've made him believe I'm a strong independent woman and wont take the crap any more (even though he can still drag me down on my off days occasionally - but I never show him!)

Courts wont take kindly to him using ds and money as a weapon against you.

Be strong and mean what you say. You CAN do it! Good Luck. :)

stay strong.
keep everything documented.
dont get into verbal arguments - try and keep written record eg email or text messages.

exP has always had DS and always paid, it's only since I've started standing up for myself that things have gone mad. He says I'm jealous of him and his new relationship and that he has now got backbone and that's why I'm causing all this trouble - he is so convincing I'm nearly believing it myself. He's very charming,reasonable and once told me he was the best liar that ever lived - he is a very articulate, well educated and clever man. It wasn't until I had my friend act as a go between that she started to believe quite how bad he is and at last I had someone believe me. I'm really annoyed with myself - I deleted all his messages because I didn't want to look at them again and my friend has moved jobs and therefore does not have the emails either. He sent me literally hundreds - most of which I ignored. I'm just going to end up being the unreasonable one - I just know it. I can get quite emotional about things. I even lost it with the CSA - you'd think they were paying me out their own pocket and they clearly think my exP is a very reasonable man and I'm not - that's what pissed me off the most. From the beginning they were clear that my exP paid over and above what he should and that they had to believe what he said -without even asking me for my side of events. I'm too weak for all this - I can't afford to continue with my therapy now but have applied to workplace therapist which is free but has a long waiting list. I can't afford a solicitor either and not entitled to legal aid. I have started to document things - too little too late I think.

Oh, and I won't check my mail box incase there's a solicitors letter - I don't have the emotional strength. ps. thanks for the support.