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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Meeting the boyfriend's parents, properly this time?

25 replies

LadyFantastic · 25/10/2010 01:12

I've been dating a lovely man for 2 months now.

We're both in our twenties, I'm a single mum and he happens to still live at home!
Those facts aside, he made the decision to let them meet me without knowing I am a mum, so that they may get to know and like me, so I've kept quiet.
As a single girl they will see me with someone with very good job prospects and a nice girlfriend for their son. What they don't know/imagine is that their son has met my DS and been out with us on a day trip. I'm trying to see it from their point of view and can imagine, possibly, that his mother/father wont like this idea.

I've visited the house on a fortnightly basis when I don't have my DS.

I have finally managed to make him see sense that they need to know the truth.

We plan to tell them together, I feel it will be horribly awkward, they'll need time to get over the shock of the news maybe, and the shock of being lied to. He is the younger of two siblings and I have a feeling they will be protective of him.

I feel really uncomfortable and embarassed and was just wondering what are people's opinions on the subject, and how best to handle it?

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BarnacleBill · 25/10/2010 01:18

Toptoeing around mummy and daddy like that is ridiculous, he is an adult, yes? He gets to make his own decisions re his love life.

If he has issues about the fact you're a parent then that's fine, but he needs to move on and find someone without children.

You have a child - you haven't killed someone! I think he thinks he's slumming it, I'm afaraid. Otherwise he'd be full of confidence about your relationship.

I reckon you should ditch him. You don't need/deserve for your son to be treated as a scummy little secret.

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Hazeleyedbaby · 25/10/2010 08:21

I mostly agree with Barnacle I'm afraid - he is an adult and free to make his own decisions regardless of any potential prejudice from his parents!

And FWIW I think he should tell his parents and not put you in an awkward situation! You never know his parents may not bat an eyelid, it could be your DP building this into a big deal - good luck :)

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BooBooImpaledOnBrokenGlass · 25/10/2010 08:35

Are you for real?
Why on earth should you be uncomfortable and embarassed about the fact that you have a child? What a rotten attitude

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Expecting06112010 · 25/10/2010 09:38

i agree that this is a rotton attitude.
You shouldnt have acted like your child dosent exist to please your boyfriend.
i think you should read your post again and have a think about how terrible it sounds.
So what if his parents dont like the idea.
If your boyfriends not man enough to tell mum and dad the truth then hes not man enough to be around your son.
and if this was a father acted like his son wasnt there to please a partner there would be uproar! so i dont think you should be able to get away with acting like this.

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Expecting06112010 · 25/10/2010 09:41

and also you say hes a lovely man, he cant be that lovely if he dosent respect you as a mother.

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readywithwellies · 25/10/2010 10:38

Mummy's boy! You are in for a lifetime of compromise and never coming first. Step away from the Mummy's boy!

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LadyFantastic · 25/10/2010 16:15

Hazeleyedbaby thank you.

BooBooImpaledOnBrokenGlass I feel very uncomfortable because I have gone along with a lie, am embarassed that I have effectively lied about having a son (when I am not embarassed that I am a mother) and now when telling them, they will wonder how was I able to be at their house, where was my son.

He says he is very proud telling all his friends about me, its just that from day one he has omitted the truth from his parents so that now it seems like a big deal.

Actually I was looking for advice regarding how to approach the issue of telling them as I don't want to go round to the house anymore until we've told them, but obviously I keep getting invites and since we live a good distance apart I usually stay the night.

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shimmerysilverghosty · 25/10/2010 16:28

Do you know what? I would be ashamed of my son if he did this to a woman he professed to care about.

Quite frankly he sounds like an immature little dick head and I can't believe you went along with it though I do understand how these things can happen.

I went out with someone for a short period after I finished with ex H and he introduced me to his boss who we happened to see out and about. He asked me what I did and I said "I look after my children right now". It was a bit awkward but so what, those are my kids and I won't hid it from or for anyone.

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LadyFantastic · 25/10/2010 16:37

Well, my (nutty, possessive?) parents disowned me for a couple of years after I had my DS and almost every man I meet says their parents would 'disapprove' of their dating a mum, so his line that his parents needed a chance to get to know me seemed pretty much normal to me.

I am getting your opinions loud and clear tho.

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shimmerysilverghosty · 25/10/2010 19:06

No, its not normal. Sorry to hear that about your parents, mine are similar, dropping me and refusing to talk to me for months at a time if I "step out of line". Its what you are used to isn't it?

You can do better, you deserve to do better and so does your ds.

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piscesmoon · 25/10/2010 19:13

I would think seriously about carrying on the relationship. I was single with a DS when I met DH (although older)and I wouldn't have agreed to keep quiet about him and you shouldn't have been asked.
I would actually get DP to do it on his own and tell them that you feel very embarrassed about the situation and it was all his fault putting you in that position.

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ChasingSquirrels · 25/10/2010 19:13

he drops it into a conversation with them, referring to a day out with you and ds, or similar - maybe show some pics that have your ds on?

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piscesmoon · 25/10/2010 19:14

He is too much under the influence of his parents-it isn't up to them to disapprove and if they do they should keep it to themselves.

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Hazeleyedbaby · 25/10/2010 22:29

Just a thought perhaps the reason he didn't tell his parents and this has become such a big deal is because he really likes op and wants this to work, let's face it if he was not bothered he wouldn't have made such a deal of this!
I hope it goes well for you, update us when he has spilled the beans :)

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piscesmoon · 25/10/2010 22:35

I would expect that that was the reason Hazeleyedbaby, but if he really loved her he wouldn't have been ashamed of her in the first place. I would be furious if anyone had hidden my DS from their parents! They were very lucky to be allowed to meet him.
I would keep well away and let him tell them and make sure that they knew it was all his doing.

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Hazeleyedbaby · 25/10/2010 22:53

I do agree Piscesmoon and as I said in earlier post defo he should go it alone in explaining this one to the parents as it is his doing!

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piscesmoon · 26/10/2010 08:02

Hi Hazeleyedbaby-I read back and see that you agree with me. He is an adult-he forced her into the whole silly mess and so she must let him sort it out. I would stay well away and let him explain that he was worried about telling them and that it was his idea to keep the DC from them. I don't see why OP should get involved. He should make it quite clear that she didn't want to hide it in the first place and she isn't ashamed of her DC. If he won't clear it up in a adult fashion then stop seeing him-it will be problems all the way.

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gillybean2 · 26/10/2010 08:18

You can easily avoid their invitations, simply say 'Oh I can't get a babysitter for my ds and your son doesn't want you to know about him yet so I can't bring him with me'...

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piscesmoon · 26/10/2010 15:15

If he won't tell them by himself then I think gillybean has an excellent plan B, (plan C is dump him as too immature and too much under mother's thumb).

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allgonebellyup · 26/10/2010 18:00

i have been seeing my new bloke for 6 weeks and i would be FURIOUS if he even suggested i met his parents and omitted to tell them about my DC.

Why on earth would you even consider agreeing to this?????
Are you or he embarrassed by your ds?

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LadyFantastic · 29/10/2010 14:38

OK well I am still waiting, his parents had a big argument this week and he stayed with me for a few nights.

He now says he thinks it will not be a big deal to them and he will tell them. He realises that he has to tell them and that he put me in an upsetting and awkward position. Obviously the first time I went round to his house I wasn't formally introduced to the parents, he has friends around all the time after work etc.

I can either wait, or ask him again to tell his parents.

I will probably ask him when he calls over the weekend how it went.

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BooBooImpaledOnBrokenGlass · 30/10/2010 13:22

He sounds a complete tool tbh. How old is he that he panders to his parents this way? It's disrespectful to you

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overmydeadbody · 30/10/2010 13:54

pisces they have only been datin g2 months, surely he doesn't love her yet anyway? And the same goes for her.

Even so, horrible situation but better to come clean now, as the OP and her boyfriend want to do.

I'd say the best way would be to drop it into conversation, take photos etc.

LadyFantastic good luck, I'm sure it will all be ok, if your relationship becomes long term his parents will probably forget all about the initial lies.

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overmydeadbody · 30/10/2010 14:03

I do agree with you though pisces, about everything you said, just doubt that either of them love the other one yet.

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LadyFantastic · 01/11/2010 23:01

He has told them! And they seem to have taken it on board pretty well. So that's good.

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