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Original poster

Thinking of leaving my boyfriend during pregnancy - advice please!

18 replies

salsaprincess · 24/10/2010 11:07

Hi Everyone,

My boyfriend has become increasingly aggressive and abusive since I became pregnant.

I feel it may be best to leave him now as he constantly threatens to walk out anyway and I don't want that to happen when my child is at a tender age.

Also he regularly makes me cry and every time I get upset I feel guilty in case it's affecting my unborn baby.

Has anyone else left their baby's father during pregnancy? What do I need to consider?

(Be as obvious as you like! I won't feel patronised because honestly my head is a mess and I can't think straight at the moment).

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
missindependent · 24/10/2010 12:08

I left my partner when I was three months pg. He was also abusive and violent.

I don't have any contact with him now and I've raised my child as a lone parent. In many ways this has been easier for me and my child, as we aren't struggling with conflict over contact and parental responsiblity. My ex isn't on the birth certificate, so he has no PR and so can't use that to manipulate me or confuse my child in any way.

I never used any DV organisations for support (just rented a flat by myself and worked through the rest of my pg) but I would probably have got more financial support behind me if I had.

Original poster
salsaprincess · 24/10/2010 12:13

Hi Miss Independent,

Wow - that's amazing -well done :)

How old is your child now and can I ask what the hardest part has been?

Also what's DV organisations? Sorry, bit ignorant about all this...

Thanks

OP posts:
Mumi · 24/10/2010 12:52

I haven't been in this situation but I even so I can tell you that it will be easier to leave now rather than after your DC arrives.

DV = domestic violence but means mental as well as physical abuse.

ChaoticAngel · 24/10/2010 19:46

Leave now, as Mumi says it'll be a lot easier to leave now than when you've just had a baby and are exhausted.

Contact Women's Aid, they'll be able to advise and support you. Phone 0808 2000 247. Their website is here

ChaoticAngel · 24/10/2010 19:47

Sorry that should be phone 0808 2000 247.

Don't know what happened there [hhmm]

WallowsInFlies · 24/10/2010 21:46

i left ds's father pretty much straight after finding out i was pregnant. i hadn't been with him long, i already had alarm bells about his weirdo/stalker status and emotional stability and getting pregnant brought things into sharp focus. i wanted the baby and i didn't want him. he couldn't have me so refused contact with my son and he isn't on the birth certificate so i have sole responsibility.

it's been just the two of us through pregnancy and since, my son is 3yrs,8months.

the obvious i'd say is that if you get out now you can go register the baby on your own so he doesn't have automatic parental responsibility which sounds like a good thing if he's aggressive and unstable.

the other obvious is that you and your child will be able to have a safe secure environment that you have control over and bonding, development etc in that first crucial year of your babies life will not be messed up by a chaotic/destructive relationship.

any q's feel free to ask.

WallowsInFlies · 24/10/2010 21:48

oh and yes lots of hard things about being a single parent obviously but for me personally i'd find it much harder to be in a shit relationship and trying to be a good mother at the same time.

TrappedinSuburbia · 24/10/2010 23:43

I split up from my ex and found out I was pregnant 2 weeks later.
I agree get out just now, dv is first experienced by many women when they are pregnant.
My ds is 5 now.
Im in a relationship now, but I don't think I would have been able to cope with a relationship in the first year of ds's life, it really is all consuming but an amazing time as well, im really glad I got to focus on ds completely during this period, it was really special, im glad my attention wasn't being taken up by a shite relationship.

Original poster
salsaprincess · 26/10/2010 23:34

Thanks all :)

I've taken on board all your advice and am pursuing my options but I also want to keep my options open and try couple's counselling to see if there's any way I can give my child 2 parents and a family unit.

We've been offered couple's counselling through the NHS but it has to be during the daytime. As we both freelance, we worked out we'd lose more money than if we paid for private counselling in the evening. And as debt worries is part of the strain on our relationship, we decided against it.

Does anyone know of any low cost/free evening counselling for couples?

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 27/10/2010 10:42

I'm sorry, I don't see the point in couples counselling. He is an abusive and aggressive man who seems to want to leave the relationship.

Why do you want to stay? I know the thought of being a family is tempting, but you and your child can be a family together. Do you really want an aggressive man near your baby?

PaigeTurner · 27/10/2010 18:55

If he's being abusive then he's the one who needs the counselling/anger management.

Bear in mind counselling may not help. I went with my XP every week for 3 months and we still split up after. That was an expensive lesson.

From your OP it sounds like you don't have that time to waste. Please don't stay in a destructive relationship when you don't have to.

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 28/10/2010 11:36

No, SalsaPrincess, NONONO! Do NOT waste time or money on couples counselling with an abusive man. He will just use the counselling to find new ways to abuse you - couple-counselling is about making the coule see that both are at fault and need to compromise; when one partner is abusive, then the problem is solely with the abuser and that needs to be recognized. NO competent counsellor will treat a couple where one partner is abusive. Tell him to fuck off and concentrate on making a life for you and the baby. Men like this, who feel entitled to mistreat you because you are only a woman, and who demand to be placated and obeyed all the time, are not worth any effort, just bin him. Don't put his name on the birth certificate. If he later grows up and turns into a moderately worthwhile human being, you can consider allowing the child to have a relationship with him, but from now on and for the foreseeable future, what this man wants and needs should be at the bottom of your list of priorities.

justonemorethen · 28/10/2010 20:58

Same as Miss Indi although mine walked out with another woman.

You need to be really strong on this one because it will be tempting to do the whole two parent family thing. However if he is abusive then he is asking you to leave really...he's too weak to do it himself but he's not in love is he.

Personally speaking being a single mum has afforded me a whole better way of life. I worked since DS was 2 weeks old and have loved being a mum. I am really glad my ex is not in our life and that he has been strong enough to stay away...I have started again and it's been brilliant.Good luck what ever you decide. As they say "nothing worthwhile is ever easy" and it's right.If it's seems the hard way it's probably the right choice.

Mumi · 29/10/2010 00:35

Listen to SGB. I have been there.

You can give your child 2 parents and a family unit without having to live with him.

lowrib · 29/10/2010 01:03

It's very important you don't put his name on the birth cert - it gives him rights of access. Much easier for you if he's not on it.

I'm sorry you're going through this. If you want to talk it over with someone, Women's Aid are great 0808 2000 247.

Asteria · 04/11/2010 19:59

I have been there too - my DS doesn't see his father at all. He was a violent alcoholic and my negotiations with him ended in threats to bury me in the garden and broken ribs (at 6 months pregnant). DS does have slight overkill on the godparents front to make up for not having that paternal influence and I'm lucky enough to have two younger brothers who are very involved.

My parents were constantly warring when I was a child and as a consequence my relationships with both of them have been very difficult at times. Far better to give your DC one stable parent than two unstable ones.

As an aside - once you get back out there I have found that boyfriends find it far easier to get over the child in tow if there isn't a bitter father hovering in the wings ready to twist the knife.

corlan · 04/11/2010 22:02

Hi Salsa Princess

Another one that left when pregnant. I'm 12 years down the line and my DD sees her dad every week and loves him very much. I still can't stand the bugger but that doesn't really matter!

My advice would be

  1. Don't put the father's name on the birth certificate.

  2. Apply to the CSA for child support.

  3. Bend over backwards to enable your child to have a relationship with it's father (As long as he is not abusive).

  4. Erm... that's it really.

I hope things work out for you.

mrsbigw · 09/11/2010 09:23

Totally agree with shambling, counselling will make the situation with an abusive man worse & can be potentailly dangerous. Think about yourself, if you need to talk to someone about your options then do so alone without his knowledge. Good luck, your baby will be happier growing up without the dramas & you will be too.

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