'Normal behaviour' of child after seperation?

[ParrotandBubbles]

My ex and I seperated 8 nonths ago and my 2 year old has suddenly started behaving odly. She is very clingy to the the point of only sleeping in my bed to be sure that 'muumy stays'. In addition to this, she keeps saying that she has 'lost her daddy'. My ex was a workalhoic (well he was a student so a studyaholic) and she only really saw him on Sundays and first thing in the morning. She has started getting me up in the night to look for daddy and gets distressed when we go to church and he's not there. I'm a bit at a loss as I was expecting this 8 months ago and i'm not sure if this is a 'normal' reaction or something to be concerned about?
She speaks to her daddy 3 times a week on the phone and on paper sees him twice a month - in real life this is dependent on him having the money to see her (which is my fault as I won't lend him money and he has told her this - I don't know if this adds to her confusion?)
So should I be worried? Any tips on helping her through this? I don't mind her crying for daddy when she's in trouble, she did that when I was with daddy, but I find this behaviour quite upseting. Thanks

Hi Parrot, not sure what is "normal". My 2 yo has been fine for months since her dad left but now nearly 3 is going through a really anxious phase (and ends up in my bed more often than not gets frightened when I leave her in childcare). However, she does see X regularly (though he picks and chooses the days to suit him and not them it is regular contact. Sounds like the contact is too infrequent. 2 yo is too young to understand the phone and he is messing with her head a bit too. Have you thought about mediation to sort out the access and to lay some ground rules. Children are more damaged by bitter break ups than by the actual divorce/relationship breakdown. He needs to know this. Can you talk to your HV (long shot, I know but there are good ones). There is something called bibliotherapy which includes books on this area. Some of these have been quite good for us. Is she in any formal childcare? If so have you talked to them - hard I know. So

Sorry about the random "So" - I had finished posting so no idea what that was about

I'm not sure a 2 year old can remember 8 months ago all that clearly, so don't beat yourself up that she is sadly remembering those halcyon days before the split.

A two year old, or nearly three year old would struggle to understand lack of money being a reason not to visit... I would expect that your dd is picking up on stress you feel every time your x rings (THREE times a week!? - how awful for you.

Your daughter is so young that she WILL accept the new routine. Only refer to Daddy's next visit occassionally, in a reassuring way. Daddy's come to see you next week. Don't over analyse every visit. Your dd will be confused but will absorb the tension and analysis that comes with each visit.

What was normal for me was that my children both became happier after the split. So I don't think you should expect there to be inevitable sadness. Certainly not at your daughter's age.

I agree that you need to sort out some ground rules. What your x can afford or not afford is from now on HIS business and don't be going around saying that it is partly your fault!!!! don't discuss it with him. Don't let him make you feel guilty. You can only be a good mother. That's hard enough. DOn't bend over backwards so far that your back breaks while you facilitate his being a half decent father. You can't do it for him and he won't appreciate or acknowledge your efforts I'm betting.

Thanks - we have actually sat down with a mediator (a mutal friend in the police force) and drawn up a formal access document but he doesn't stick to it and its not legal! She is not in childcare - 3 months ago I did try to place her in a nusery but she didn't settle - and sadly I am not blessed with a good HV.
I refuse to discuss anything adult in earshot and ring him once a month to update him on the kids progress (I have a baby too who is oblivous to everything other than her next feed) and discuss any issues to try and reduce any tension. I also manage the phone calls as much as poss by setting up a fun activity (painting, baking, water play etc) that she is doing while Daddy is on the phone so that the focus isn't on talking to Daddy.
I guess this is just a stage and hopefully we'll get through it. Maybe if he gets that perfect job he is holding out for he'll be able to see her more regullarly and that will help.