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Original poster

If your ex sent you this text about access to his daughter would you be as enraged as me!!

15 replies

mummytowillow · 23/10/2010 21:32

I have been separated from my husband for two years in December, but only living apart for 14 months, I'm sure some of you will know my story!! Hmm

In brief, I had PND, I was awful but got better, he could't wait for that, got himself a 'friend' and left me three times and came back three times, then went for good. I moved my daughter (2) at the time back to Wales where I grew up and all my family friends live. Its a 280 mile trip for him and I was letting him stay at my house Confused However, he can easily afford to stay in a BB as he earns very good money!

Anyway, he thought he could have his cake and eat it at my house and I declined his kind offer! He really didn't take this well as he thought I was desperate to have him back!! I have never once stopped him from seeing his daughter, I have met him halfway for a handover, drove her down to where he lives and he has unlimited access when he wants providing I haven't already made plans (if he gives short notice) basically I have never said no to him!!

So, he is now divorcing me and sent me this text, which made my blood boil!! Angry

'Firstly and formostly I want unlimited access to ... I want her for two weeks in the summer holidays and EVERY half term'

To me he is making it out that I am difficult with him, which I'm not, yes he can have her for two weeks in the summer hols, but he is not having her for ALL the half terms. What about me, I work full time and I'd quite like to do 'nice' things with her in the holidays, so he gets all the nice times and I'm the one that does all the hard work!!

We are no longer on speaking terms as he has chucked his dolly out, basically because I wouldn't give in to him??

Any suggestions??

OP posts:
JaquiChan · 23/10/2010 21:39

Get yourself a solicitor sharpish, get them to write with YOUR access arrangements not his. If he won't communicate with you because he has the hump then it will have to be done via a solicitor anyway. Do not be frightened by his demands, he is telling you what he wants/expects, in reality it can be a lot different. Sort a solicitor on Monday.

ChaoticAngel · 23/10/2010 21:41

I take it it's the implication that you're being difficult and the tone of the text that's annoyed you.

Contact your solicitor and get him/her to send your ex a letter offering him the two weeks in the summer holidays that he's 'asking' for and the latter half of the half term weeks, perhaps a week at Easter too to show willing.

It sounds like his ego can't take the rejection so he's trying to get at you this way.

MidnightsChild · 23/10/2010 21:42

So, does he just want to cherry pick the time he spends with DD? Or is he actually going to set up something regular that you can rely on? You know, like alternate weekends/one weekend a month (or whatever), or is this just about ensuring that he gets to spend time with DD whenever it suits him?

If he genuinely has concerns for maintaining his relationship with her, surely he would be seeking to make some arrangement with you that will be both regular and clear for all concerned - you, him and DD ... including a fair and sensible agreement on how she will spend Christmas and her birthday.

Original poster
mummytowillow · 23/10/2010 21:42

Jacqui - I can't afford a solicitor and he knows this!! I earn £140 a month too much for legal aid, so I'm stuffed really! Angry

I had thought about sending him a letter myself stating what I want as I am very flexible with him, I let him arrive on a Saturday anytime in the morning, so I can't do anything, then he goes back on a Sunday afternoon, he is alway popping in and out of my house so I never really get a break (I know she's my daughter but I so need sometime to myself)!! Or is that bad to say that??

OP posts:
bosch · 23/10/2010 21:45

What do you think would be reasonable access? two weeks in the summer and two of the half terms?

You don't mention christmas (sorry, he may not have thought of that himself yet) would it be better to keep her every christmas yourself and give up two half terms?

corlan · 23/10/2010 21:46

And tell him there's no such word as 'formostly' - he's a dickhead!

ChaoticAngel · 23/10/2010 21:46

If you can't afford a solicitor then contact the CAB.

No, it's not bad to say you need a break, we all do :)

CarGirl · 23/10/2010 21:48

You can self represent at court don't worry about having a solicitor - just write to his solicitor stating the reason why you do not think his proposal is in her best interests.

Keep cool, composed and show willing to compromise and he'll make an arse of himself.

You could offer him long weekends when there are inset days during term time?

Obviously he will have to do all the collecting and dropping off Wink

If you work full time how are you going to cover all the school holidays anyway surely you don't get enough annual leave and can probably only look after her for half of them?

Original poster
mummytowillow · 23/10/2010 21:53

Well, to be fair he does have a long journey and was coming regularly once a month, however since he chucked his dolly out, he hasn't been for five weeks, my daughter is distraught, she is only three and sobbed twice yesterday and begged me to get her daddy for her Sad I'm heartbroken at this as I don't know what to say to her? I've tried to explain but its not sinking in??

On her birthday I threw a big party for her in the garden, he came with his parents, so I've never stopped him coming to those things, however my parents won't speak to him and my dad wouldn't come to her party as he was there Sad But my theory is its her daddy?? Or do my family come first??

He really is a fool, this is his second marriage he has left and he has two boys with his other ex-wife, she made his life a misery with access, I don't yet he treats me worse than her!!

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytowillow · 23/10/2010 21:56

No I don't have enough leave to cover it all, my parents help out a lot and my SIL and brother have a daughter the same age, so we are going to cover holidays between us?

OP posts:
houseproject · 23/10/2010 21:59

Hi,

Please don't panic - the negotiation of contact can always make separated parents angry/over assertive etc. Contact is for the child's benefit not the parent so this is the first principle to be established. Your child needs good quality contact with both parents, that is what courts will suggest so please don't worry. As you are not yet at the school stage you have a few more years of flexibility but it's worth considering the school years now. Most courts would suggest regular access - EOW and holidays split - 2 weeks summer, alternative half terms, share of Easter & Christmas. Courts would prefer parents work through access through mediation so perhaps this is a route to go down. I know it's so emotive for both of you but it's best to think about what's best for your child, always put this at the top of the agenda and you will not go wrong.
Dads hate to feel separated from their children just like mums, it's never going to be possible to get a balance that suits both people but you have to work at getting something you can both live with. You both love the child and your child will want a good relationship with you both.Dads and mums ofter children different experiences, both are benefical. In your situation the distance makes contact even more challenging - some thought will have to be given about how it will be maintained if/when you both have new partners. Staying in B&B might not be a long term solution, as the child gets older.
Also consider a parenting plan (available on giv sites) It's a useful framework to discuss all the contenious issues separated parents have to face. Parenting together whilst separated is tough but not impossible and hopefully a child can grow up with happy memories of both parents.

Original poster
mummytowillow · 23/10/2010 22:00

I'm having her for Xmas Day and Boxing Day and he is having her for the week after, no problems with this and it was his suggestion.

I'm just really sensitive about the way he treats me and how his ex-wife made our lives a misery, demanding money (which he always gave to her), changing weekends with the kids, saying awful things to them that weren't true about me .... shall I go on, yet he still treats her with courtesy!Angry

I have a friend who is a very good counsellor, she thinks when I'm reasonable and 'adult' with him he feels guilty so therefore treats me badly??

OP posts:
CarGirl · 23/10/2010 22:17

From his point of view though you are denying contact so that your family can look after her instead????

The courts ultimately look at what is in your dds best interests even though he is being an arse towards you.

I would suggest perhaps not giving him unlimited access anymore as he's proved he's going to use it against you. Perhaps he views you as a doormat?

gillybean2 · 24/10/2010 11:27

His text is all about what he wants and not what is best for your dd. I would be annoyed too.

Plus she is only 3 and not even at school so why is the school holidays even coming into it?

Firstly what's the longest your dd had been away from you before? Is she happy and able to cope with a week or two weeks away? Especially in light of his dropping her recently?

If you feel she is is it because she's been having regular contact with dad up till recently and things may be different now?

If he's now only going to see her at half terms and two weeks in the summer she will find this difficult at her age. It is not fair on her and I would suggest not in her best interests.

So I think perhaps you should ask him to sort out regular weekend (every 2 or 3 weeks and then several times a year he can have her for extra days, or a week or two - no need to stick to school holidays at this age is there?) and then as she gets closer to school age and is more settled, he is being regular and reliable then you can talk about school holidays.

Write to him saying you have always made every effort to facilitate contact as you appreciate it is in dd's interest to have regular contact with her dad and to maintain a relationship with him.
POint out that your dd has been confused and upset by his recent absence and lack of contact.
Ask him to resume contact weekends for the sake of you dd. Make it clear he will need to make his own arrangements re accomodation in future given his inappropriate suggestions when you last let him stay at yours.
And advise him that once your dd has been reassured and he can be consistant and reliable when it comes to contact then you will look at extending contact for a week or two where appropriate.

Keep it neutral and matter of fact, don't point the finger or blame, stick to facts but cover yourself should he try and twist things in court.

gillybean2 · 24/10/2010 11:29

Forgot to add, make it clear you want the weekends defined and not ad hoc any more. Ie only every other or every third weekend. Then you all know where you stand.

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