having a major wobble

[littlenervous]

im really fed up with everything.
Probably brought on by yet another loser on a dating site.

Ive been single for almost 2 years. Ive been online dating in that time as have not found one single nice man. Not one.

I have, quite literally, no friends. I have a few,maybe 3 aquantinces. But no actual friends.

Going out in an evening is impossible, i cant afford a babysitter and the few family members ( 2) who live near rarely want to do it.

Having just spend the afternoon with an aquanitce we have organised something for a few weeks time, and she is really nice. But she is married and said 'she really feels for me' so i feel its a bit in sympathy.

Ive never had a problem making friends before, and i dont thnk i would have a problem now, the problem is i do not get the oppurtunity to get out and see them. I work and then have DD.

My aquantince was saying how shes now going to a yoga class once and week and leaves her husband with her child. Im so jealous. It must be amazing to be able to do that. The she asked if i had a boyfriend and said she was really shocked when i said no, as according to her im stunning and lovely.

I just dont get out to meet men, or even friends. I dont know how to change this.

I dont know, its just feeling very hard work with no reward.

Oh, poor you littlenervous. I'm in the same boat, no childcare locally either so no chance of going out.

I don't know what to suggest but it's not with no reward, you have your child(ren?).Hard work though, I agree.

Its tough isnt it.
Of course, i have my child and thats wonderful. But im young ( ish) and it just feels so unfair.

Im normally a really upbeat, positive person, but it just feels rubbish today. Its worse because i cant find a solution.

My child was with her father for a few weekends in a row. Do you know what, not one person, bar my mother even text me. Not one.

I send texts to aquantinces, they dont reply. I email aquantinces on facebook, no reply, or a reply with a promise to catch up soon which nothing comes of.

i just want a life damnit!

I know, didn't want to seem trite, obviously you know you have a child! But you know what I meant...
I also feel like I make all the running. I said recently that, despite supporting a friend through a break up, other than to get the gory details she hasn't once bothered to check on me now I'm going through the same. I guess your friends are just as bad.I'd say to dump them but that'll leave you more isolated and I doubt if they're bad people, just thoughtless.

Will your child start school soon? Can you use that time to go to college or work? Or yoga?

They arent even friends really.

I do work already. I think thats part of the problem. im always racing about with no time. Ive no time to meet up with other mums in the day time, and then cant get out in the evening.

Work is useless as i work in an office with just 3 of us and the other ladies are all a lot older than me.

I officially give up. I cannot see what i can do to change things.

I know (I'm really not helping am I? [hgrin]). It's very hard to move friendships up a level when you can't go out in the evenings or at weekends without your child.

Local lone parents group?

Littlnervous, I am feeling pretty much the same as you, I'm feeling quite sorry for myself that I am spending another Saturday night on my own. Yes, I have had a couple of dates recently but I am thinking that he may not be all I thought he was, although definitely not married [sigh].

Long shot, but any chance of changing your job?

What about mumsnet meet ups that they have.

How olds your dd, is she in school yet and do you work full time, sorry a lot of questions, just trying to think of opportunitys for you.

I dont want to change jobs as i have only been there just under a year, and its an almost school hours job.

There are zero local MN meet ups in my area.

I have just ( and i probbably should not admitt this... posted on netmums meet a mum)

I work part time, 4 days a week.

DD is not at school yet. I dont see anyone at all when i do the nursery pick up/drop off. My small ray of hope is maybe once she starts school i might make friends??? but i understand that might be a LONG shot.

Jacquichan. Ive been where you are, ive had loads of dates, all to lead no where. Im so disheartned of wasting my time. 2 years of internet dating. 2 YEARS!!!!! and not one relationship.

But i think if i had friends it wouldnt bother me. I think its just general company and people to do things with that im missing if that makes sense.

netmums is by far the better place for meeting people. I spent today with someone I met 3 years ago on NM and I've never posted there other than to arrange a meet-up.

you will meet more people when she's at school, when DD was at nursery last year I never saw other mums either.

I've only just started on the dating route to be honest, so early days for me. Why not rethink the two years of dating that perhaps you met some nice people, got out once in a while, you just haven't met the right person yet. Perhaps a break from dating would be good. Way to go with netmums, nothing ventured nothing gained.

Why don't you start a thread in meet ups, there may well be some mners lurking in your area? Where abouts are you?

I have started a few threads in meet ups but nothing ever comes of it, so ive given up.

Have had one reply on netmums already so thats good.

I do get every other weekend free, so i can plan things for then.

I supose, yes i have had quite a few dates, and have made some sort of friends ( email contact once in a while) out of it. Its just after 2 years of it... I had all but given up on it before the last guy came along, and i was going to meet up with him before i got all suspicious and then found the sex site.

Its just made me throw my hands up in the air and shout ' ffs, throw me a frickin bone!!!'

lol

i honestly do not know what else i can do.

Great that you have a netmums reply already.

Like I said previously, I would knock dating on the head for a while, if you are disillusioned with it all just walk away for a while. Perhaps concentrate on making friends, building up some sort of social life.

Jacqui, thats what i have decided to do.

But how on earth do i go about making new friends?

I have all but given up on old freinds ( got in contact with a few) they literally just do not reply. I sent out 5 texts last night, and 6 facebook emails. Not one reply. Not one.

I cant just randomly walk into a bar and say' right, i need friends, who will talk to me... and by the way, fancy coming over for a takeway in the week' can i ????

Thing is, yoiu can only try so much, in the end the constant rejection gets to you. so you stop trying.

Just tried Gingerbread. There are no lone parent groups in my county.

Googled lone parent groups in my town and there are none.

My aquantince yesterday did offer to babysit if i ever needed her to, providing she could. ha, thats a joke. Because ive got noone to go out with!!
And, she cant do it regulary, so i cant join a class or something.

Its not like im not trying, its just that i cant see what i can do to make it better.

Where are you roughly?

I second netmums! I have 2 capable teenage dd's who will babysit cheaply, they genuinely love the responsibility and young kids.

Anyone like that in your area??

well, i would assume there would be. Its just i dont know them.

I cant get out to meet people. and becase i dont meet people i dont know people to ask.

Vicious circle.

The few mum type people i have met, have their own busy lifes and dont have much interest in new friends, or are doing family type things.

And i dont know any single people.

The one friend i do have who has no children lives an hour away and is not interested in doing anything ever, ive known her for almost 3 years and never been to her house once, she has never invited me over, or to do anything. So actually i cant call her a friend really can i.

Is your dd at nursery - does she get invites to parties? That's a good way to meet other parents. Does she have a party coming up? Who does your dd play with at nursery - ask the staff if you're not sure and then maybe drop an note to the mum suggesting a playdate. It's just small steps but you can slowly meet people.
When my dd started school and was able to activities I finally got some free time without the need of a babysitter.It was great.
When will your dd start school?

She has a party today actually. But i do know the mum.
Shes a mum with 3 children so is really busy, when i get home from work, she goes to work.

She starts school after christmas so i think there is not much point doing the playdate thing at nursery. Plus at nursery all the children have different picking up and dropping off times so its difficult. I dont have a spare car seat so i cant pick one up and take them with me. Plus the parents are working. I did do a play date once, and beausce of the parents working time i ended up having her for 3.5 hours which was a bit much.

I just find people are really closed off. Its not a large town and people dont really move here. Most people who live here have always lived here and are friends with the people they went to school with. It feels like they dont have room for more friends.

Then you add in the fact that you automatically get a label as a single parent ( because you do) and then the added fact that its difficult to cultivate friendships because of time issues and its just a disaster.

I rarely go out either. Am in a similar position to you. However, to make up for it, I do try to go to a family-friendly pub every Sunday (on my own if the one friend I try to meet up with can't make it). It feels a bit weird at first but you soon get used to it and if the pub is right, then people get to know you too and it's a lovely feeling.

Ds is a useful distraction when we go - feel less of a saddo with him to chase around after while I try to read the sunday papers and enjoy a pint of cider!! It's not hard once you have started doing it. It is a real break from the house all week.

You could also try going to your local church. Meet people through that? Especially if the church runs a children's group during the service (less stressful)

Finally, the weekends you have to yourself (I don't get these at all) you must organise something well in advance. Go away or use them to join a local yoga group. Really make the effort to have something lined up involving other people. I make sure I have some social weekends organised weeks in advance. They are not that regular but they really are something to look forward to: a friend come to stay (most of my friends live much too far away for me to see regularly or normally!) or I look through the local paper and see if there are any boot sales or craft fairs/xmas bazarres etc on. I plan around them. Pub on sunday lunchtime, taking ds swimming/planning to cook something really special. Gets me out of the normal mundane routine.

Last but not least, can you get a small dog? i have two small dogs and they are a great way of getting me out AND wonderful company in the evenings when ds is asleep. They are my 'family' if you like. House doesn't feel so empty. Some small dogs are fine being left in the day while you are at work.

Just keep plugging away at it. Don't give up hope. And I agree..knock internet dating or dating full stop, on the head for now. xx

I do have a dog already. Im always walking her.

I do get out maybe once a month, once every 6 weeks. I go to festivals and gigs which i love. Or meals out with family. Ntex weekend im going out to a few pubs with my sister.

We do do things, But its just DD and i. Or when im on my own its just me doing these things. ( or my sister, which ihave to bribe her with, because shes got her boyfriend and would rather spend time with him)

Which is the whole point. People say ' get out there and do things and you will meet people' except after 2 years i havent.

Like i was going to organise a party. I emailed everyone i knew to say i was thinking about doing it, and would they come if i organised it. They all said yes. So, i organised it, and guess what, everyone cancelled bar 2.

I just want a friend really. Someone who enjoys my company and wants to spend time with me, someone to have a giggle with, have a moan to, share a glass of wine with and a good natter. Thats all. I just had no idea that was so impossible as you get over 30.

ah - but having ventureed back onto NM i habe found they regualry do mums only meet ups once a month in an evening. I have sent an email and come hell or high water i shall go.

Littlenervous- I can identify with so much as what you say. I think you need to stop contacting the acquintences as it is so bad for your self esteem for them not to reply or cancel at the last minute.
One good thing about a break up is that it allows to to get rid of all that was bad about your old life. Even I you only end up with 1 or 2 people to contact you will not be worse off.

I think it will get better when you dc starts school. There are lots of opportunuties to meet mums are parties etc. There are lots of mums who are married who are need of a friends, husbands who work long hours or work away and SAHM who feel a bit isolated.

The key is to project confidence and not apologise for yourself. There is nothing to be ashamed of being a single parent (took me a long time to grasp this) I have decided hat the people who have an issue which me being a single parent have their own isses - most people have not.

I am still single after 2.5 years - ex has moved on but he hardly sees dcs so makes it so much easier. Not sure how to change that or whether I am ready to move on but like you starting to feel like it is embarrassingly long. I dont think others realise how hard it is to find the time and emotional energy to have a new relationship.

tiddly - thanks.

I think its actually more of an issue that maybe i project too much confidence. Im naturally loud and extroverted, i cant help it, it is the way i am. I think it might put some people off. Also ill talk to anyone.
Lady at my childs gymnastics lessons, ive been chatting to her for 10 weeks. But she barley talks, im asking questions, or how is she, etc.... People dont seem to want to talk.

Im not ashamed of being a single parent, but im not kidding you, you can see the look on peoples faces when they ask what your husband does and you say you are divorced.

after the break up i moved to a totally new area and i knew no one. It took a while but eventually i spoke to one or two older friends. The aquantinces are a mixture of old friends ive sort of caught up with, and new people i have met. But it just feels like a dead end.

I really am hoping to get chatting to mums at the school gate, and then parties and things. Who knows.

Little this is quite a common situation. I had no friends for several years. The clicky mums at playgroup were impossible to break into. Plus they were constantly out drinking and socialising and spending money like it was water - I simply can't afford that. They can't undertsand my life, much like most of the people at work can't.

But I agree with the other poster who said you do need to drop the 'friend's' who are pulling you back. Honestly stop. It is so liberating when you finally ditch them and realise well it's just me and I'm fine thanks and better in fact because of not waiting for them and being depressed and upset when they let me down again and again and again...

They are dragging you down and eating your self confidence. When I ditched my one sided friendships it was tough and scarey, but I am so much better off emotionally. And it has freed me up to find other friends.

It has taken a long time, I can tell you. Especially when you have to say no to evening stuff through lack of babysitter and money. I find it hard at work saying yes to the xmas party even. No-one understands what it's like having no fancy clothes, no money for petrol there and back, no babysitter....

I finally made some friends through school, though again not good friends but it'a a start. Again seemed to be me doing most of the running about and mostly so my ds could have friend's after school etc. And then the PTA gave me an outlet. People to chat with, things to fill time with, make myself useful without it costing me too much other than time when ds could be there too.

So I made some 'friends' through that, though again not good friends, more what you would call acquaintences. But it's a start.

And I now have one person who I can ask for a favour sometimes, another friend who will have my ds to sleepover (though I have to reciprocate by having both her ds's over), and my neighbour (who's dd spends most of her time round here) I could occassionally ask to help with school pick up if I was running late from work. (Though her partner doesn't like other kids in the house when he gets home from work so not for long). Plus again very one sided as her dd practically lives her yet ds rarely goes there. At least he gets some company though.

Do make yourself go to places, even if it's just to the park, soft play, coffee mornings etc. And take a book with you incase you do find yourself feeling like billy no mates. And when your dc is old enough sign them up for scouts (or whatever) to get yourself a little bit of you time. PLus you can offer to help out on the rota like I did and meet more people that way.

Oh and it's not just us lone parents that get cancelled on and forgotten. I forced myself to go to Jamie Oliver party I was invited too. More than half the people invited forgot or canceled at the last minute. Felt bad for the host, and felt more sick at the prices they were asking for stuff! Fortunatley I had to leave early to get ds from scouts. Still ended up getting an unwanted xmas present at a hugely inflated price. I don't know how people can have that kind of money to waste. £14 for 4 wooden spoons!? I digress..

And I was invited to a NY eve party at my sisters a few years ago, but a (now ex) mate wanted me at her party too. Felt torn and unable to say no to either given I rarely get invited at all. So went to my sister's saying I could only stay a while. She was desperately trying to make me stay as only 1 other couple turned up.

Also note I have now stopped running round after my sister helping her with her child care, taking her children on loads of days out, swapping my hours at work to help her with child care etc (she is married btw) while getting almost no support from her and almost having to beg her to have ds on the few occassions I have asked as I have to work on the weekend. She would happily say no, I found it impossible. But now I've said no it's so liberating. All that weight of expextation to reciprocate, help because I'm on my own and to include my ds as he has no other family has now gone and I no longer drive myself crazy wondering why or what I did to end up with so little help and support.

So drop those useless people in your life and move on. Stop worrying about finding love and instead concentrate on finding yourself and making a life for you and youd dc until you can afford (emotionally and economically to do otherwise).

gilly - thanks for that. It does make me feel better to know im not the only one.

Ive found and joined a socialising club in this area. I was all excited until i saw there were only 5 members! lol

I too got invited to a jamie oliver party, and was going to go, but then i was actually going out for my birthday meal that week ( that i had to organise) so couldnt go.
Mind you that date had changed about 6 times last min, probably due to people cancelling.

Its just really diffiult feeling loney a lot of the time and i think people dont understand that as they think im always out doing things. which i am. But its normally on my own or with my child. ( and/or dog) which is not the same.